Baby showers are a painful reminder

October 16, 2017

For quite a while I have resisted sharing my thoughts on baby showers until now, for fear of upsetting others. When in actual fact baby showers are a painful reminder of my loss.

I choose to avoid baby showers now, I say the word avoid because it is true, I tend to avoid attending one. I’m more than happy to listen to people discuss them and of course buy a gift or contribute towards a baby shower gift, but for me I don’t need to be there. The event is a reminder I really don’t need. You could say, I haven’t moved on, and maybe I haven’t, but as long as I am at peace with my decision thats all that matters.

I have had three children, two whom I am raising and Alex in lives my heart. I have felt since I didn’t experience a baby shower with my first baby,  it didn’t seem right to have one for other children. I was given the opportunity to have a baby shower for my daughter who was born a year after the loss of Alex, but I was happy not to have one.

I have been to one baby shower, which was 11 years ago when a dear friend was having her first baby. 11 years ago I was studying for my Nursing degree and not in a relationship so having a baby was not even in my thoughts. It was a fun event, and I enjoyed seeing the different gifts she received for her baby and loved seeing her excitement and nervousness of becoming a mother.

Fast forward to 2011, this was the year I was pregnant with mine and my husband’s first baby. Baby showers were appearing to be popular events and I thought I would like to have one for myself and my baby. A friend at the time offered to arrange the party for me and I happily accepted.  We decided on a date in the July would suit because I would of been on maternity leave from work.

During my pregnancy, I looked forward to having a baby shower, they were becoming more and more popular and I loved the idea of having one for my baby. However, at the beginning of June everything changed. During a routine check up we found out our baby had passed away during pregnancy, I was 27 weeks gestation.

Over the next few weeks after the loss and birth of my son Alex, plans had to be changed for upcoming appointments and events that had been arranged. One of these was my baby shower. When the date in July came for what would of been my baby shower, I woke up in tears, wishing I could skip the day. It was another day I had to experience, when I really didn’t want too. Yet again I was thinking, “why did this have to happen to me?”

I felt even though I wasn’t having a baby shower, I couldn’t not acknowledge the day. Myself and a few friends went out for lunch, which was lovely. It wasn’t what I had planned for my baby shower, but it felt right to do something on the day instead of it being just another day.

I am happy with my decision to of not had a baby shower, I am at peace with it. At the time not having a baby shower during my preganancy with Alex,  broke my already shattered heart, I was devastated. I felt angry for quite a while knowing I had missed out on my opportunity to celebrate the impending arrival of my newborn, just like a lot of people get to do.

As time as moved on, I however ok with my decision, sure I would of liked to of had one but for me if I felt I couldn’t have one for my children post Alex, as I felt like it was another thing I didn’t get to have for him.

So if you are reading this and you know me, please don’t take offense, enjoy your baby shower, why shouldn’t you? I know if I had one I would enjoy it too. It’s my choice to not attend and to miss out and I’m at peace with that. I know of other Mothers that after losing their own baby they have attended baby showers for family or for friends, I have so much respect for them because they have done what I cannot.

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