The Heartbeat Obsession- Pregnancy after Miscarriage

September 1, 2017

The Significance of a Heartbeat.

If you are a pregnant woman, you will likely wonder when your baby’s heart will start beating and will look forward to hearing the sound. When you hear those muffled fast pace beats for the first time it might bring tears to your eyes, excite you, or finally bring a sense of realness to your pregnancy.

If you are a pregnant woman, who has had a miscarriage, like me, then hearing the sound of your child’s heart beating might take on an even greater presence in your life. In my case, I frequently have vivid dreams that I will never hear the sound of my baby’s heart beating.

Pregnancy After Miscarriage.

I am nearly 12 weeks pregnant now. Statistically, my chances of a miscarriage are now less. However, I was exactly 16 weeks when I found out that my baby’s heart was not beating during my last pregnancy. I don’t know if my baby’s heart ever started beating and I often wonder if I missed it.

Now that I am pregnant again, I have met with my midwife once. I set up an early appointment only because I was desperate to hear the sound of his or her tiny heart beating. My heart sank when we couldn’t find it. My midwife did her best to reassure me that it is very hard to find the heartbeat with a fetal doppler at 9 weeks.

I want to trust my body again but I am not sure how I can. There is a tiny voice that comes from somewhere deep down every time I worry that says, “I’m okay mama,” but I am too terrified to trust it.

The Fetal Doppler.

One of my most frequent thoughts is whether I should purchase a fetal doppler or borrow one from a friend. I don’t like the idea of using a fetal doppler too frequently because of the risks involved but I also feel a sense of desperation. Fortunately, I know myself well enough to understand that I couldn’t handle having a fetal doppler in our home.  It would be the gateway that would allow the heartbeat obsession to take over my life.

Waiting to Hear a Heartbeat.

My next prenatal appointment isn’t until October. This is terrifying and comforting at the same time. Terrifying because I will continue to feel insecure and wonder about the heartbeat constantly but comfortable in the sense that I get to continue believing that I have a tiny baby is growing inside of me.


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