I Can Never Be The Me I Used To Be

August 10, 2017

In the Beginning

I met the man of my dreams and my single self, became the self I never thought I would be. A wife. I became a woman that wanted to be a gentle, loving being. I was ready to experience any and all of life’s struggles with the man of my dreams. We had no idea what was to come.

New Journey

We unexpectedly become pregnant after 6 months of marriage. We were more than eager to start this journey of becoming parents together. Thus all the pre baby planning began.

24 Weeks Gestation

I make the 911 call from the floor of my guest restroom. I was actively bleeding and it was then that my world started to end. It was then that I was told my pregnancy was not viable. NOEL had an unknown heart problem and hydrops. The doctors couldn’t tell me why I was bleeding so heavily. I was given the option of an abortion or carrying the baby until I became ill from the hydrops or until the baby passed away, whichever came first.

The Realist

I prepared myself as best as I could for what was to come. While I come from a family who has faith, and I too have faith but my faith wasn’t enough to help me get through this. I really had to be honest with myself and prepare myself for the loss I was about to face.


Every day my family prayed for the doctors to be wrong. For a miracle to make NOEL’S heart function correctly. While my family prayed for these things over me I was praying for STRENGTH. I was praying for NOEL to have the most peaceful journey in whichever direction was meant for him.

The Last Two Weeks

I had Noel with me I tried to enjoy him the most. He moved a lot, we played music for him. We spoke to him and prepared ourselves to survive the awful card that was handed to us. My husband became my caretaker those two weeks. I couldn’t move much and needed help for everything. Our love faced many challenges but remained so strong.

26 Weeks Gestation

I began to bleed again but this time more heavily. Like an open faucet. It was the most horrific thing ever. At this point my life was in danger and labor was induced. At 11pm on May 28th NOEL was born sleeping. This was the death of the me I used to be. Yet I had to remind myself that I needed to go on.


This was the only thing that kept me going. I owed it to my husband to remain somewhat the person he fell in love with. So our journey, to continue life after NOEL, began.  We had to learn to feel happiness and learn how to not feel guilty for the happiness. Our journey still continues and will until we see him again.

  • Jeanette Esquivel

    Jeanette is an angel mom to Gustavo Noel and a wife turned artist. Drawing and writing about her experience in her blog became her way of coping. Her goal is to touch people and help them through the battle of life after stillbirth. All she wants to do is be the person her son would be proud of.

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