Over the years since losing Aiden, I have received many signs from him. Signs that I know deep in my heart, are not coincidences or quirks, but true signs sent from my sweet boy.
Some of the signs I have always felt came from Aiden are heart shaped rocks and feathers. I had never before in my life noticed a heart shaped rock, but since losing Aiden, I find them everywhere. So blatantly obvious that I can’t help but notice them. I also find many tiny, beautiful white feathers that I know are signs from Aiden too. I find them in the strangest of places. Places where I have no idea where a feather would have come from.
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Last spring I found myself in a good place with my grief. Grief tends to ebb and flow. Sometimes nearly drowning you with wave after wave of sadness and pain. Other times giving you some reprieve and allowing you moments of contentment and happiness. I realized I was in one of these moments of reprieve, where my heart felt lighter than it had for quite some time. I felt happiness. The grief was still there, but in that moment, my life felt good. However, this realization was difficult to accept. Accepting that I felt more happiness than sorrow made me feel as though I was leaving Aiden behind. As if my grief and pain were what maintained my connection with him.
One night, when the house was quiet and still, I whispered to Aiden. I asked him if he knew how much I still loved and missed him, and how much I always will. I told him that I felt lonely for him. That I was feeling sad because I didn’t want him to feel as though my happiness meant I was leaving him behind. I told my sweet boy that his mama needed some reassurance that he still felt my love for him.
After this late night conversation I had with Aiden, I began to find hearts everywhere. It started with heart shaped rocks. They were coming to me in ways that stood out, impossible to miss. As if someone had placed the stone right for me to find.
A few days later, I was pushing my youngest child on the swing. I looked down and a perfect heart shaped rock was sitting on the patio stone at my feet. No other rocks around, no rocks at all in the backyard. But there it was, waiting for me to notice. This happened more times than I could count. I suddenly had a jar full of perfectly heart shaped rocks.
Then, as if Aiden wanted me to be very certain that he heard me and felt my love, I began finding hearts EVERYWHERE. Not just rocks, hearts started appearing in anything. I looked down and there was a heart in the foam of the latte I was drinking. As I cooked, a piece of chicken in a perfect heart shape flew out of the pan and sat on the counter. A heart shaped puddle on the ground right in front of me. A crumble from the top of my pie sitting on the plate all by itself in a perfect heart shape.
I didn’t go a day for months without finding a heart. Not even looking for the hearts, they would just find me. Too obvious to miss or ignore. It was wonderful. I looked forward to the hearts that would find me.
Even friends and family members begin to notice how many hearts seemed to find me. People who don’t even believe in the idea of signs from angels. One friend admitted she didn’t usually believe in the idea of signs, but after seeing the hearts that found me, she couldn’t help but believe that there was something to it.
One day in the late summer I hung a group of shadow boxes in our house. One contained an ornament in the shape of angel wings, one contained the moulds of Aiden’s feet and another a photo of his special lion toy. They hang in the hallway between my two living children’s rooms. I wanted to represent his “room” right along with my living children’s.
After hanging the pictures, I stood back to see if they were straight. I looked down and I noticed a small white feather laying on the ground right underneath the frames. I have no idea where a feather would have come from, but there it was. Aiden letting me know he saw me make sure his place in our family will never be overlooked.
A few days later I was walking by the frames again and laying on the floor exactly where the feather had been was a piece of fuzz in the shape of a perfect heart. When I saw it I knew it was Aiden sending his love and making sure I knew he felt my love.
I am so grateful for these signs. I know in my heart that they are signs from Aiden. Signs from my angel when I asked for and needed them. Finding all of these hearts reassured me that grief is a journey. Although I am finding myself in a good place, where I feel more happy than broken, it doesn’t mean I love or remember Aiden any less. It just means that as I walk through the grief of losing my child, I am in a good moment. And it’s ok to feel happy. It’s ok to feel more happiness than pain at this moment. It’s ok to be where I am in my journey, my sweet Aiden will always be right there with me.
I’ve been collecting the hearts I find from Aiden, saving the ones I can and taking pictures of others. If you would like to follow along with the amazing signs I’ve been receiving, I’ll hashtag them as #heartsfromaiden on Instagram here.