To my pregnant friends…
I know you didn’t want to tell me – I know that must have been a hard decision. It kills me that you had carefully and delicately tell me.
I know that it was hard for you because it was hard for me, too. It was hard to listen to the careful tone in your voice – because this should be celebrated – but my heart ached and longed for what you have now.
I mustered the strength to congratulate you. It took everything I had. Then I carefully, delicately distanced myself from you.
It doesn’t make sense to you.
There is no hatred or animosity.
I don’t wish any ill will upon you.
I will, however, grapple with feelings of raw, real jealousy.
I will have to ask myself why this happened to me when everyone else is entitled to a normal, healthy pregnancy.
I will wish I could explain to you why I feel the way I feel. But I can’t.
And I don’t wish you could understand.
Because the only way for you to truly understand is to go through what I went through.
I don’t wish that on you. I don’t wish it on my worst enemy.
Instead I choose distance.
And while you may find me selfish – I’m doing you a favor. You are free to celebrate your new life – as you should. You will not have to worry about hurting my feelings, toning down your excitement, you will not have to worry about what you say to me.
I avoid you because I care too much about you to make you feel uncomfortable in my presence.
I avoid you not from a place of anger but from a place of pain. It’s simply too painful to watch you live the life I had planned. It’s too hard – and just too soon – to be present in your happiness while I’m still deep in my own sorrow – longing to hold the child I no longer can.
I know you want me to be happy for you. And I am. But there is a difference between being happy for you … And being sad for me. It takes time to work that out.
It takes time to come around.
And if you love me and care about me like I care about you – you will give me the space I need and understand I will come around when I am ready.
Guest post by Miranda Heintz