Am I better? It’s a question I feel myself asking a lot recently. I find myself having more good days than bad. I hear other loss parents talking about how they are still crying every day. I think to myself is that what I should be doing? Should I still be in that place each day?
The reality is that I can’t. There’s some days where I am totally at peace with knowing he is with Jesus. I can feel all the surrogate parents I have watching over him. I think of my grandparents there and my friends’ parents who have passed on and know that they helping watch over him until I someday join him. It’s a weird conundrum because other days I think I wonder if because I’m having more good days that I’m “over it”.
For me I have more good days than bad now being closer to the year from our loss. I catch myself laughing and sometimes just enjoying the fact that I am alive and what a miracle this is. I am a mom who can laugh and cry about laughing all in the same moment now. I still will sometimes have to stop and catch myself looking into the review mirror and only seeing 1 car seat. I am more alive and more aged than I ever thought I would be at thirty.
I think I will always have this struggle between being present with both my children at the same time. There is a weird mixture of joy with the hurt. It is okay to be grieving and smile and laugh and think today was good. Today I will live in the sunshine. I will stand in the breeze with open arms. I will never be over it, but I will be living in the light.
Today I am choosing me over grief.
Guest post by Sara DeVoto