Babies aren’t supposed to die. It goes against everything in the natural order of things.
When it happens, it shakes the foundation of the entire family and often the close friends of the parents.
I stand at the hospital bed of many of those families as a perinatal loss support companion.
Time and time again, I see the devastation in the eyes of the grandparents, as they feel broken that their grandchild has died and helpless in the face of their child’s pain.
“What do we do?” grandparents will ask with agony in their eyes.
There’s a strong desire for grandparents to protect their children, to fix this broken, to make the pain better.
Only, we all know there’s nothing that can heal this. There’s no kissing away this “boo-boo,” no band-aid big enough to cover the wound.
“I’m so sorry,” I will often whisper, “This is a double dose for you as a grandmother. You have your grief for your grandbaby.
But, also, that’s your baby (referring to the mom) in the hospital bed. She is in the worst pain of her life.
And, you can’t make this better… you can’t protect her from this pain.”
Here are some ways to support grieving grandparents:
1. Validation and Acknowledgment
As in most support situations, recognizing and validating a person’s struggle or pain helps to give it a name.
It also helps them understand their helpless feelings, to know that what they are feeling is a “common response” under the circumstances, and it helps them to know that they are not alone.
Someone sees them. They need support, too.
2. Understanding Perspective
Grandparents may grieve differently than parents. That can make it hard for them to understand the choices of their children (the parents of the baby).
They may come from a generation that doesn’t believe you should see and hold your baby or get pictures.
They may or may not understand the importance of doing so.
Grandparents often filter what they think is best through the lens of trying to protect their children, sometimes thinking that if they can shield them from all of this, it won’t hurt so badly.
Parents spend their entire lives protecting their children.
It makes sense that at the moment when their children experience the worst pain imaginable that they would want to find a way to protect them.
Years ago, when I lost my twin daughters and later our newborn son, my mother struggled in the weeks and months after our loss — wanting me to get better quickly.
It was very hard for her not to be able to fix my pain. She worried that I was not healthy when my grief took some time.
She needed to understand that my pain was a healthy response to grief, and I needed her to be patient and present with me instead of trying to fix me.
Communication on both ends, and giving one another grace can help keep relationships intact.
First You Cry Twice (A Grandparent’s Grief)
3. Be Sensitive to a Grandparent’s Compounded Grief Story
The experience of watching their child give birth to a baby with a brief life or one who is born still may trigger memories of their loss and missed opportunities.
If you are present with a grieving grandparent, please be sensitive to their own stories.
They may be processing grief that’s been repressed for years as they hold their grandbaby.
Allow them an opportunity to process their grief for the child they lost as well as the grief they’re feeling for the loss of their grandchild, and the pain their child is feeling.
4. Include Grandparents
Feeling helpless as your child is hurting and grieving is crippling. If you are a parent, caregiver, support person, or even a family member reading this, include the grandparents.
Include them in the care of the baby if you are in the room with the family.
The baby’s mother is sometimes not feeling well or up for all the baby care… bathing and dressing of baby immediately after she gives birth (although if she is, please allow her and baby’s father to do this! Always offer parents the opportunity and give them the options to decide about baby care).
If the parents are open to it, include the grandparents in this healing time of memory-making.
Parents can still bathe if they would like, and grandparents can help in another way. Perhaps applying lotion to the baby after parents wash.
When parents and grandparents are offered options and given the opportunity, baby care, and memory-making will naturally and beautifully flow together.
If you are the grandparent reading, please understand if parents don’t know how to include you in this time.
They have never done this before, and their pain is more prominent than anything else.
They may react with so many different emotions, and because you are their safe person, you will likely see them all.
Find ways to gently stay involved… ways to help they may not know they need, while also respecting the space of your grieving children if that’s what they require.
Perhaps making a blanket, buying or making an outfit, offering to make phone calls or help with funeral arrangements, sending over some homemade meals or gift cards to restaurants they like for when they are feeling up to going out.
My First Grandchild: On Finding My Voice In Grief
Offering to watch their other children – these are all ways you can provide tangible support to the parents.
As time goes by, know that it will mean so much to the child’s parents if you continue to find ways to honor and include the memory of your grandchild in family celebrations and when you are doing things for your living grandchildren.
It is typically a comfort if you remember with them.
5. Allow Yourself Time to Grieve
Grandparents can be so concerned with the pain their children are feeling, that they don’t allow themselves time to grieve.
If you are reading this as a grieving grandparent, know that you have your grief that will need your attention at some point.
Please have someone in your life to go to with your pain.
Taking care of you is essential so that you can continue to take care of your grieving child.
Grieving Grandparents, please know you are not alone.
We see you, and the way you quietly carry the pain of grief for your grandchild mixed with the pain of watching your child grieve for their baby.
——–
Online Support for Grieving Grandparents
Walking With You Support Group – available for parents and grandparents grieving the loss of a baby or young child Grieving Grandparents There are also a few more Facebook support groups for grandparents if you search.
Books for Grieving Grandparents
Grieving Grandparents
A Grandparents Sorrow Healing a Grandparent’s Grieving Heart
Memory-making and Support
Kelly Gerken is the president and founder of Sufficient Grace Ministries, an organization providing perinatal hospice services, bereavement support and Dreams of You memory-making materials to families facing the loss of a baby through miscarriage, stillbirth, infant death and the death of a young child. Kelly has walked through the loss of three of her five children, and now reaches out to walk with other grieving families as an SGM perinatal loss support doula and SGM Remembrance Photographer. She is a creator and facilitator of training for birth professionals on compassionate care for bereaved parents facing perinatal loss. Her memoir, Sufficient Grace, was published in 2014. You can read more about Kelly’s journey of grace, hope and healing and the outreaches of SGM, order resources or find her book here: www.sufficientgraceministries.org.
So many excellent thoughts here. I’m very blessed by both my mom and my mother in law. My “baby” was 17. Alex died suddenly in a mowing accident – he was mowing his grandparents lawn and the mower rolled in the ditch on July 22, 2019. This is impossible for all of us, but we are getting through it together. I know that they hurt with us and we all have a special respect. I also have 2 daughters (Alex was in the middle, so he was close with both of them). I hurt for the pain that I see them feeling as well, and so do their grandmas. Grief is deep and dark and overwhelming, but we are pressing on together. Some special things – once a week my 16 year old goes to grandmas and makes dinner. Grandma (MIL) enjoys shopping and picking recipes, both of them enjoy making the food, and I am blessed by having 1 less thing to think about. My mom made “tshirt quilts” for each of us – including my in-laws! It was a labor of love and an act of grief. She cried through each of them, I know. We cuddle with them every single night. I know it’s hard for them. Moms should never outlive their children, and the same goes for grandparents. Thank you for an article that recognizes that.
Regarding the baby care, the parents will only be thinking about themselves during this excruciatingly painful time, they are the ones who have lost their child. If ever there is a time to just grieve and not consider anyone else’s wants, this is it. They have one small window of opportunity to get some precious firsts with their child, they should be able to bathe, lotion and diaper their child in peace without feeling they have to share this with anyone else, even grandparents. Firsts belong strictly to the parents, if they offer then fine, otherwise it’s not a grandparent’s place to expect or ask. Of course grandparents will be devastated but they must remember this is not about them, it is about supporting their child as best they can as they grieve the loss of their child. Let the parents know you are there for them, step forward if asked and step back if asked too. ALWAYS take the lead from the parents.
My second baby, Emily was stillborn at full term. A year later I had Amy. She was never a replacement. I have found it difficult watching my children become parents as I never wanted them to experience the pain of loss. In reality I was afraid of more loss in my life and the tearing open of my heart. My daughters first loss was an ectopic pregnancy. She went on to have a healthy son but her third pregnancy a daughter ended at twenty weeks. The hospital was amazing allowing her and her husband all the time they needed with her. I wanted so badly to hold my grieving daughter. But I couldn’t. We were in a pandemic and I was in treatments for my cancer and very immunocompromised. My heart was torn to pieces and remembering my loss but I could not make this about me. My focus was my daughter. It was several months when I could finally see my daughter. I held her so tight. I cried with her. We talked about her daughter. I never wanted my children to ever know the grief of losing their child.