September 19, 2016

by Beth Morey

Let me tell you a secret.

Sometimes I want to forget that I have a daughter that died.

Not because I don’t love her or want her or miss her terribly (I do). But because this road can be flat-out exhausting.

Sometimes I want to pretend that our rainbow son is our first child, so I don’t have to fumble for an answer that doesn’t hurt when people ask if he has any siblings.

I want to pretend that once you get pregnant, you always go home with a baby. I’d like to pretend that getting pregnant is easy. I’d like to pretend that pregnancy isn’t a terrifying ride with no guarantees. I’d like to regain that innocence.

I want to pretend that I don’t know how silently and swiftly death can enter in.

I want to pretend that I don’t know the fear that seems to come along with loss. I want to forget how easily my son could die, or my husband, or my other loved ones. I want to pretend that love isn’t that big of a risk.

Sometimes I feel exhausted from all this knowing, and I just want to forget for a little while, to rest before coming back to that empty place in my heart, renewed.

Do you ever feel that way, too?

It’s okay. It’s okay to be tired, to want a break. Grief can be a battle, long and unforgiving. Let’s be gentle with ourselves, together.

  • Beth

    Beth Morey is the mixed media artist behind Epiphany Art Studio . Her soulful and whimsical creations are born out of the griefs, joys, and not-knowings of life. She is also the founder of Made , an online course exploring the intersection of faith and art, and the author of the creative healing workbook, Life After Eating Disorder. Beth loves meeting new friends through her blog , where she writes about faith, creativity, and life after stillbirth. She lives in Montana with the Best Husband Ever, their rainbow son, and their three naughty dogs. You can find Beth at Epiphany Art Studio — or at her blog, You can also see her work at Life After Eating Disorder --

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