{10 Years Later} Trying to Remember

September 21, 2016

It’s the little things. The details. It’s the sounds and smells and little moments that I can’t just can’t seem to pull up from the memory vault.

I’m sure that’s normal 10 years after the birth and death of our son.


In a few weeks, on February 24, I’ll be running a half marathon in memory of Charlie. I’ve been raising funds for the Ronald McDonald House of Central Georgia and have reached my lofty goal. To celebrate the amazing support I’ve had, from those who have known me since “before” and those who only know me “after,” I decided to present #24DaysOfCharlie on Facebook and my blog.

That’s easy enough, right? Come up with 24 things about my son who lived only 24 days?

It feels like just yesterday, so it shouldn’t be hard.

Not true.

It’s been very difficult emotionally to realize how much I’ve forgotten. With the healing of the gaping wound of grief, though never fully healed, the memories (especially the acute ones) have been sealed up, away from accessibility.

Grieving never goes away. It’s always present, ever-changing.

So much of life “before” is hard for me to remember, and that unfortunately includes Charlie’s very short life. If only I could trade some of the seared-into-my-brain memories of his last few days, life support, and planning a funeral, for memories of sitting on the sofa cuddling my tiny bundle of joy.

I wish I could remember those moments that I took for granted, knowing that there would surely be years and years to collect them in my memory vault.

Searching my brain for any and all little memories has been exhausting. But so has ten years of grieving.

  • An Auburn football fanatic and bourbon lover, Jana Anthoine is a true Southern Belle who thinks writing is so much better for her soul than paying a therapist. After the death of her first son in 2003, she opened up her heart to help others who are grieving and to advocate for Group B Strep awareness, with her husband and son as her biggest supporters. She has also served on local boards for the Ronald McDonald House of Central Georgia and the Children’s Hospital at the Medical Center of Central Georgia. In addition to being a contributor to Project: Underblog and full time plant salesperson, Jana writes about life, loss, and laughter at jana’s thinking place and in shorter snippets on Twitter.

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