Coming out of the fog of the first year of this journey

August 14, 2016

A new part of this journey has begun. There are no more firsts.

 I know that everything changed, but I’m really experiencing it these days. My life is divided. Everything in the past year has been post Aidan. Every decision made is made with him in mind. My frame of mind is different.

This weird phenomenon has started. People talk about what was going on this time last year and I have no idea. Looking back, I truly lived in a fog. I was merely putting one foot in front of another, just hoping to survive that particular day.

Slowly, I have started to rejoin the world. I can’t tell you when or how it happened, but I can feel the shift. Everything is still after Aidan, but there is a future here as well.

It started before our trip, but the trip was a huge forward movement. If you are newly on this journey or struggle with your child’s birthday/anniversary; I highly recommend taking the time and going away. We have so much pressure to “perform.” There are so many expectations put on a grieving person. Sometimes, you just have to get away from it all.

It was hard to be away from this world that knows Aidan. At the same time, we spent a week together remembering why Aidan existed at all; because we love each other without the expectations and demands of the world. Because we are two people who were blessed to have this child and our hearts were broken when he left.  It was liberating to just be. We could finally feel the peace we have been looking for, for a year. The last time I felt such peace was the night we spent together in the hospital.

It’s not the right choice for everyone. It is however, a wonderful option. One that I am so glad we took. I am a people pleaser. I want everything to be perfect, especially when it comes to Aidan. For once, I let myself choose the best option for me and for Evan. We needed to reconnect. We needed to remember and just be.

If you have a hard day on the horizon, look inward. Weigh your options and choose what is best for you and your family. Choose what will make that a day a little bit easier. You have that right. You carry the heaviest load every day of the year. It is totally ok and even right, for you to take care of yourself. Ours just so happen to mean we celebrated Aidan’s birthday on a ship in the middle of the Gulf of Mexico.


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