By Jessi Snapp of Luminous Light Studio
I just miss you. There really is no other explanation for the heaviness felt in my heart.
It is as simple and yet as complicated as that – I just miss you.
What I wouldn’t give for one more moment.
One more moment to hold you.
To look into your eyes and tell you how much you are loved.
What I wouldn’t give to go back in time to the moment where I last held you. Where I was able to kiss you and where I was forced to say goodbye.
Because I would relive all the pain of what came after – for just one more moment with you.
I would hold you close to my warm skin, with my arms wrapped tightly around you and I would breathe you in.
I would soak in that moment all over again, even knowing it would be our last.
What I wouldn’t give to have a second chance. A chance to do things differently even though I know those things couldn’t change the outcome.
But I’d do them anyway because I would do anything to try.
There are a thousand different versions of how our story could have played out – and this version is the one I didn’t expect.
I cannot undo what has already been done – but what I wouldn’t give to try just one more time.
I never knew missing someone could hurt so badly.
I never knew that missing someone would change me so irrevocably.
I never knew how deep and wide love could flood into my life.
I never knew how precious this life was until I met you.
I never knew just how much love could hurt until you left.
And I never had a clue that the cause of insuperable pain could be narrowed down into four little words – I just miss you.
Your absence has flooded through every part of me. And like a flood, it has left cracks in my foundation.
The flood of your absence has obliterated the core pieces of who I once was. It has cracked my heart wide open and my heart has bled with nothing but undying love.
And it left me fighting to survive it all.
But I would do it all over again.
Because our love is so much more than a flood of your absence. Our love is like lightening that rushes through me.
It has illuminated the darkest parts of me. It ignites my soul and has thundered through my life – pushing me to live a life full of you.
For you. Because of you.
You – the one who has changed me. The one who has taught me so much about this life and my ability to love with every cell in my body.
For you – I keep breathing, I keep fighting, I keep living.
For you – I love more deeply and laugh more freely.
For you- I cherish this one life I’ve been given. No matter the amount of pain and heartbreak.
For you – because you exist in every corner of my soul. And your name has transcended from the title you were given while you were still here and into a feeling that describes your absence.
Because on the days where I just miss you all I can do is utter your name.
And when someone asks me what weighs heavy on my heart yours is the name that flows out.
Nothing more is needed to describe what it is I am feeling because you are that feeling. The feeling of missing you, loving you, longing for you, and all the feelings in between.
You are the reason they are there and you are the reason I feel them so profoundly.
I never wanted any of this. No one ever wants this. But I wanted you.
And sometimes no matter how much we want – it isn’t enough to stop the waters from rising and the flood from sweeping into our lives.
So much time has passed and still some days there is a heaviness that weighs me down.
I keep searching for the words to explain where it comes from or why it’s there.
It feels so complicated yet the only words I can muster are – “I just miss you.” I miss you more than words can say and emotion can express.
Everything I do has been washed by the waters of your absence. Even my heart beats to a steady rhythm of you and its echo rings through the space where you used to be.
I have never known so much love, so much joy, and so much heartbreak, until you.
And some days the only explanation for the suffocating pain that still lingers on is…
I just miss you.
Diana is owner and editor-in-chief of Still Standing Magazine and blogs her own life story at Diana Wrote. She and her military retired husband have two girls and three sons who passed away after birth; Preston and Julian, identical twin boys who were born at 20 weeks, and Kaden, who unexpectedly had cardiomyopathy due to a rare virus called ciHHV-6. He died in her arms at 3 weeks old.
In 2014 she traveled with World Vision to learn about maternal health and infant mortality in Zimbabwe, and is now working on her Master’s in Mental Health Counseling. You can also find her work on Babble, Liberating Working Moms, She Reads Truth, The New York Times, and The Huffington Post.