I’ve come to realize something.
I’m that woman.
You know her—heck, you may even BE her too.
The one who thought life would be so different.
Get out of school. Get married. Have three or four (or more!) children and two dogs and a white picket fence and yearly family vacations at the beach.
That’s what I had planned, at least.
And SO not how things are.
Instead, I am the woman I somewhat pitied for years.
In the beginning of my childbearing attempts, I was still optimistic. I’d read about or meet women who had been through treatment after treatment with no success…IUI or IVF cycle after IUI or IVF cycle and still no baby.
Early on, at least I wasn’t her.
Then, after I WAS her, I’d read about or meet women who had lots of infertility treatments, but even when ‘successful’, there was pregnancy loss. Oh, how I felt for those women.
When I finally got pregnant with Matthew, I truly felt like the hard part was done! I wasn’t going to be that woman. My pregnancy was great, and I went past my due date! I would be the woman who struggled, but who brought a baby home!
It didn’t happen that way. I was now her. The woman who lost a baby.
By the time we got to Luke’s IVF cycle, I’d already been through two embryo transfers—neither of which allowed me the ultimate joy of a 3:00 am feeding. I was starting to feel ‘seasoned’, even then.
And yet, I was not even close.
When I began the process for Trey’s cycle, and then found out I was once again pregnant, I kept telling myself that most babies come home. Losing Matthew was such a rare thing; Luke’s pregnancy was so great. Sure, I knew many women who suffered multiple losses, but again…that wouldn’t be me.
Until it was. Losing Trey put me in that world…the one where women have more dead children than living. Again.
The last Frozen Embryo Transfer we did in June was our fifth transfer. It was unsuccessful.
So, here I am again…that woman…the one who is attempting her fourth fresh IVF cycle and her sixth embryo transfer and is pretty convinced that the worst will happen, but is again praying to be inexplicably and pleasantly surprised.
I’ve turned into the woman that I would read about or know of and think, “At least what I’m dealing with is not what she’s dealing with,” and I’m not quite sure of how I feel about that. Being the woman for whom my heart would ache when I’d learn of her life’s story…
The woman people pity.
I don’t want pity. I have a great life. I have an amazing husband and an amazing little boy to raise and the most amazing honor of being the mother of three little boys. If this next cycle is to bring us another little one to raise on this earth, Hallelujah!
If not, we are done. That’s where I stop being that woman and become this woman.