To The Mom Who Just Miscarried Her Baby

June 27, 2016

I wish there was a ‘How to’ book on how to deal with everything that has just happened and guide you on what to do next. Do you cry? Do you scream? Is it ok if you tell everyone about what happened or do you keep this to yourself and a few close friends? There is no such book out there, but instead I am writing to you today because I hope my words will bring you comfort and let you know that you are not alone.

Your time with your baby may have been brief. You probably didn’t even show or let others know about your news yet. But I want you to know that for every moment your baby was here on earth, your love and protection was all it knew.

There will be people who will say things like, “You’ll get pregnant again” or, “Maybe the baby wasn’t healthy—you should be happy that the baby did not live to suffer.” While I know how hurtful those sentences can be, people will try and console you the best way that they can. And here’s the thing, they don’t know how to do that very well. So my friend, please forgive them.

There will be things that will suddenly be difficult for you to do. One day you might hear about a friend’s pregnancy announcement  and all the pain will hit you like a ton of bricks. It’s not that you aren’t happy for them; it’s that you will now come to realize that innocence and naivety is among the many things a miscarriage took from you.

A few weeks and even months later you might feel like yourself again. Yes, you lost your baby and that fact is never far from your thoughts, but you may find yourself being able to smile and laugh a little more easily. But then one day, you may walk around as if there is a dark cloud hanging over you. All that pain that you thought you had left behind is once again a fresh and open wound. This is grief, my friend, and it comes in waves. Sometimes it will drown you; sometimes the tide will recede to show you a beautiful horizon.

One beautiful day, you will look down at a pregnancy test and find that you are pregnant again. Jubilation might be your first emotion, but fear might make it there first. I want you to know that it’s okay to be scared and fear that you might lose this baby. But I also want you to know that you might bring this baby home too. The only thing you can control among all of this uncertainty is how you feel. If you feel afraid, go ahead and feel it—but this baby deserves to be fearlessly loved and I know you have it in you to do that. You experienced the worst when you lost your baby, so I know you are in possession of so much courage.

You will always be your baby’s mama, and nothing will ever take that away. One day you will wake up and whenever you think of your baby you will no longer cry, but instead you will smile because of all the joy your baby brought you. Losing your baby is probably one of the worst things that will ever happen to you, but don’t let this scare you from living a happy and fulfilling life. You are strong.
I promise.

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    Malka Ahmed

    Malka Ahmed is a writer, and book critic and newborn photographer. She lives in Boston, MA with her two children and her husband of ten years. Her daughter Aurora was stillborn at 20 weeks, and things just haven't been the same. 

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