Editor’s Note: While looking into current statistics of the divorce rate for parents who have lost a child, we found this study done by Compassionate Friends and referenced in When Children Die: Improving Palliative and End-of-Life Care for Children and Their Families that, “72 percent of parents who were married at the time of their child’s death are still married to the same person. The remaining 28 percent included 16 percent in which one spouse had died, and only 12 percent of marriages had ended in divorce.” We still feel that the original article holds excellent information about coping with the loss of a child alongside your partner, and hope anyone who found us looking for the statistic on divorce rates after loss will take heart knowing 80% seems not to be the case.
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Guest Post by Paul
One of the scariest statistics I read after our daughter was stillborn was that up to 80 percent of marriages end in divorce after the loss of a child.
I remember reading this percentage and then re-reading it, to convince myself that I’d read it correctly.
80 percent?! Was that even possible?
Did that mean my wife and I had only a 20 percent chance that our 12-year marriage would make it?
What side of this horrifying statistic would we end up on?
These questions raced around my head making me dizzy.
My wife, Nicole, and I are thirteen months removed from the day we lost our daughter, Bella.
For the most part, we have circumvented the events that have challenged us.
We have taken it one day at a time, moving along at a slow, but steady pace.
In the beginning, however, it seemed as though several situations would send us into a tailspin resulting in arguments.
Situations that before would never have fazed us had developed new strategies to penetrate the defenses of our relationship.
As the possessor of the husband role, I tried to be the strong one.
I held back tears at the doctor’s office when they told us our daughter’s heart had stopped.
I fought off moments of weakness in the delivery room as we delivered a silent baby.
I made it a priority to get my wife on the path of recovery.
I didn’t do these things because I’m a hero but rather because that was the only way I knew how to react.
I was not prepared to face this tragedy, but I knew how to love my wife.
I grabbed onto the familiar habit with a feverish grip.
The main struggle comes from the unfamiliarity of the situation.
As common as it may be, losing a child will never be the norm.
We had no point of reference.
There was nothing my wife and I could look back on and remember, ‘Oh, that’s how we fix this.’
We seemed permanently stuck in a cycle that was repeating itself.
From the moment we lost Bella, I instantly realized how close to the surface our emotions had become.
A dozen years of marriage had created thick layers of trust, love, selflessness, and respect.
These layers were peeled away and now revealed nerves that were there; raw and unprotected.
The heartache of losing a child had subsequently unleashed a series of secondary losses that shook the very foundation of our marriage.
Bella’s death began to unravel the seams of all Nicole, and I had built together; as if the twelve years of our marriage had been reset and we had just met.
We had to relearn how to interact and handle even the most mundane problems that arose.
We had to learn to handle these moments; it was either that or become a statistic.
The key was, we were both willing.
Attending 13 weeks of grief counseling helped us magnify the areas where we needed to focus.
Even though every part of your grief screams that you are alone, it isn’t true.
This was one of the most liberating moments of our grief journey.
Not just the head-knowledge, but the heart-knowledge, of this fundamental truth, loosened the grips of pain.
The feeling of isolation is more devastating if you feel you are alone in a marriage after the loss of a child.
You don’t have to be.
You may be experiencing some new difficulties in your relationship since you have lost a child — you are not alone.
New problems can arise.
New emotions will be felt.
New techniques to solve them may be needed.
While the exact anecdote may vary per couple, I do know that the same love and trust you had for your spouse before the pain you are going through now, is still there.
The pain buries it, and you have to dig deeper to find it again, but it’s still there.
No one wants to end up in that 80 percentile statistic.
I can’t even imagine what my life would look like without my wife in it.
I don’t want even to try.
Every burden can be a blessing.
This can strengthen a marriage.
We can fall in love with each other even more.
We can reach a new level of trust and respect.
A conscious effort is required.
Make this your goal.
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Rosalyn Voigt says
The statistic of 80% of marriages end in divorce after the loss of a child…that I believe originated from a study done on parents of children who died from leukemia. It was a study done way back in the late 1970’s /early 1980’s. It’s a grave (no pun intended) statistic and is one that really needs to be out there for the public to ponder (perhaps there are newer studies but I haven’t wanted to look…the only reason I know about this was that it was part of my graduate studies back in the mid 1980’s). It will be 35 years this week since we lost our first baby. All I know is that along with the loss of that child goes the loss of everything I once knew to be..my whole world died, past, present and future, and so did the marriage as I knew it. When your world is shattered into tiny pieces, there is no way to put it back together again the way it was. Marriages survive but they are never what you once knew or thought you knew. Sometimes they can be better. Sometimes they can simply be shattered and you limp along. Sometimes there is just something that is too innately damaged, now exposed, that there is no reason to try to hold on. Best wishes as you hold on and try to create something new out of the ashes…for those who make it…life carries on new meaning because you are now focused on what really matters, the trivial has been washed away!
Daniel Newman says
Our daughter was 18. I don’t know how to continue. I want to just go away alone. it’s been 15 months and actually, very sad to say, Funeral week was easier than my every day now. We are still married. We demanded that our 24 year old daughter move back home. more like begged. I was a police officer who had his partner killed. I have gone through plenty and made it. This is different. I know why people give up on marriage. My brain can’t seem to focus on anything else. I go to the cemetery and just sit there. I bring her moped and park it there. Beyond the statistics the personal toll is simply overwhelming. I feel an intense crushing affect. It’s quite hopeless and will never change. Addicts who lose their kids have a plan to get their kids back if they get clean. No scenario will I ever see Aren again. I can’t handle that. I have no idea how you can focus on building the marriage while always thinking what could i have done differently?
Daniel Newman