Post by Still Standing Contributor Lindsey Henke of PALS and Still Breathing
Here are 20 things I do that only a fellow loss mom (or dad) understands. I’d love to know what yours are in the comments, because even if they aren’t mentioned, I probably will relate to most, if not all.
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I decided to get a memorial tattoo when I was in my thirties even though I never thought I would get inked.
I keep a special box in my closet I pull out on her birthday to spend time remembering her.
I take family photos each year with a picture of my stillborn child in them.
I post memes about grief and loss and love for my child that died on my Facebook feed.
I keep an urn with a ceramic teddy bear on it on my dresser that I touch every night before bed.
I take the same day off of work each year in order to spend a day celebrating her birthday.
I buy or make a birthday cake for my dead child.
I hang up an extra stocking with her name on it at Christmas.
Related: 10 Simple Reasons the Holidays Hurt
I light a candle every October 15th.
I ask my husband to sign my Mother’s Day card from both my daughter that lives and my one that died.
I share my story and help others.
I become friends with complete strangers on Facebook if I see a pregnancy and infant loss ribbon in their profile.
I ask others to do an act of kindness in her name if they would like to honor her too.
I say I have two daughters when you can only see one.
Related: What It Means To Never Have Your Family Whole
I dress my younger daughter in clothes that say she is a little sister.
I count her sisters’ breaths every night before I close my eyes to go to bed.
I share my dead child’s photo on social media.
I talk to her in my head when I’m scared or worried or need to make a tough decision in life.
I believe birds are her spirit coming to visit me.
I say her name every chance I get.
Thanks for understanding. What would you add to the list?
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Sue Myers says
May 16, 2016 at 1:44 pmI will add one to the list. My daughters used to sit in her carseat in the front with me. (It was allowed back then in the early 90’s) She used to tell me, “Mommy, hole ma han” and I would hold her hand and we would drive down the road. Now while driving I ask my angel to “hole ma han” and I hold the strap to my purse and pretend it’s her hand.
Sandi says
May 17, 2016 at 9:45 amWe lost my son 6 years ago he was 40 years young. The hurt never goes away. We also decorate for holidays and use his belongings too. It was helpful to read these posts. Thank you.
Priscilla says
May 17, 2016 at 11:53 pmExactly right! So many of these things I do and catch me off guard, but seem normal to other grieving mothers xxx Thank you. I’m glad I saw this and plan to follow your blog
Michelle says
May 18, 2016 at 8:53 amMy daughter is a tattoo artist. I am so proud to say that she has created some incredibly beautiful, meaningful pieces of art for parents that have experienced the loss of a baby or child. It is very hard work emotionally for her, and very rewarding at the same time. She tattooed a sweet little purple butterfly for me to honor my granddaughter that was stillborn at 39 weeks. I will be sharing this article with her. Thank you so much.
Jaime says
May 18, 2016 at 3:09 pmReading this helped. I wonder if the things I think and do are normal (like reading to his urn every morning).
I lost my son at 39 weeks almost two weeks ago with no warning or prior concerns. I plan on doing these things every year for him with his (hopefully) future siblings.
Paula says
June 29, 2016 at 6:39 pmMy niece took our sons clothes and made a wall quilt from his first blanket, sleepers, pictures of him, etc. it hangs in my bedroom as a daily reminder of him. He would have been 20 this year. Sorry for your loss.
kyndra kittleman says
June 30, 2016 at 9:39 pmI would add that every time i go to sleep i not only tell my daughteri love her buti also tell my son(who passed) that I love him as well and good night. I also always talk to him and help myself get through tough things throughout my day, job or home related sometimes even relationship problems. I agree with every single thing you listed on here though. I’m sorry for your loss and every other parent that has the loss we do.
Angel says
July 2, 2016 at 2:12 pmI lost my son when he was 7 years old his heart stopped at the hospital he had.severe asthma to this day it’s hard.to understand why him I hardly can look at his pictures or speak his name without going into tears I post his pictures all the time on my.Facebook I miss him and wish he was still here its been almost 5 years since he passed away in October 2 of 2011 his birthday was august 18 2004 I haven’t been the same person since he died and the only thing that keeps me going is my other 5 kids otherwise I don’t know where I’d be today I was 6 months pregnant with my now almost 5 year old son when he passed it felt like my whole world was taken from me and it feels like all my friends and family doesn’t understand my grief and I feel there tired of hearing it and they all havery pushed me out of there lives it’s the hardest thing I ever been through as a parent
Kal Smith says
August 25, 2016 at 11:59 pmI lost twins a boy and a girl, than miscarried another little girl. I talk to them as if they are here, my twins would be four and my little girl three. I have a rainbow baby. I am happy to have my son but sad to not have my other babies. My hubby wants a big family. Who knows. I am sorry for everyone’s loss.
Denise says
January 27, 2017 at 9:04 amI lost my Grandson! I still wear his team t shirt! I proudly tell all how much I miss him and that I have my own personal angel! I watch Frozen with his sister, our Rainbow baby, his favorite movie! I post on his journey page, and Iwear his fingerprint around my neck so he is always near my heart!
Jackie Amezcua says
May 27, 2017 at 6:45 amWhen I see pennies and dimes in odd places I believe it is my baby girl Love… I think it is Love saying hi to me and giving me a sign that she is still with me…
Maria Lockhart says
May 6, 2019 at 6:44 pmI still open the box the hospital gave with the clothes they wore before passing. I smell them and I can still smell my twins scent on the fabric. It’s been 19 years.