My journey to motherhood has ended. I never thought this day would come; this day I’d have to:
Let go of hope.
To have to dream of new dreams. To wonder, “What’s the point?”
The concept behind Still Standing as a magazine is to focus on what happens as a result of tragedy…What are you left with. How it leaves you.
It’s YOU. Standing. Still. Still Standing. Isn’t that a stoic image? Beautifully broken woman standing looking out to the distance; maybe over the ocean or looking to the sunrise? Yes, still standing. But in reality? Reality is a lot more messy. Let’s face it, you are left crumpled on the floor in a puddle of tears, sweat, blood, and snot. In silence or screaming or a combination of both.
I’ve been left “standing” in the wreckage of infertility since 2007. I’ve “stood” through losing 3 babies. You guys, you don’t stand through this, initially. You barely crawl through it. You are left bruised and scarred. Now? Now, I am standing among the chaos that comes from ‘moving on.’
What in the hell is “moving on” anyways?! How do you move on from the one dream you ever wanted to come true? How do you move on from a future you still grieve for? How the eff do you move on from something that is a very real and physical hurt of never having a child?!
Navigating this new journey, my new normal. No compass, no instruction manual, no self help guide, or map can help find this new me.
My very being is lost and feels so desperate for something but I have no idea what. My heart and soul have been shattered and pieced together so many times that parts are missing. I’ll never be whole again.