You’d be three today my darling Ariella. I see girls your age and I’m always stunned by how old they look. I can’t imagine you that big and that hurts. I was scared that one day I wouldn’t be able to imagine you growing up and that day has come. It hurts so much my baby! You’ve got a sister now. She’s so social, while your brother is more reserved. Which one takes after you? They were both born with dark hair like yours, but their’s has turned blonde. Would yours have done so too? I wish I knew the answer, I really wish I did! I’ve always pictured your hair staying dark but as your sister’s hair becomes fairer and fairer, I have to wonder if I am wrong. Your hair would have been wavy (maybe curly!) – that I am sure about. I could tell when I held you that your hair wouldn’t be straight. But what colour would it be? It’s a seemingly small question that I can’t shake.
There are so many unknowns but I do know this: for three years I have woken up each day without you and I’ve still gotten out of bed. Sometimes that’s all I’ve achieved. Are you proud of your mama? I’m doing my best, sweet baby girl. I really am. Some days my best doesn’t feel good enough though. I can’t visit you as much as I’d like (it’s so hard now to take your brother and sister) but that’s not a reflection of how much I love you and miss you. I miss you every second of every day. I miss you when I see your brother dote on his little sister and I miss you when she stares adoringly at him. It tears me apart to know that he will never be doted on by you and that he’ll never look at you the way Seanna looks at him. It’s not just me or your daddy who misses out, your siblings do too. And your grandparents, aunties, uncles and friends. We all miss you.
My precious girl, I know you won’t read this. But I like to imagine that you will. I love you Ariella Jade, with all of my shattered heart.
Larissa is wife to Marcus and mama to four, including one precious girl lost to stillbirth. She writes about her daughter and life after loss at Deeper Still.