Blog post

7 Things I’ve Learned Since the Loss of My Child

October 28, 2015

Child loss is a loss like no other. One often misunderstood by many. If you love a bereaved parent or know someone who does, remember that even his or her “good” days are harder than you could ever imagine. Compassion and love, not advice, are what’s needed. If you’d like an inside look into why the loss of a child is a grief that lasts a lifetime, here is what I’ve learned in my seven years of trekking through the unimaginable.

1). Love never dies.

There will never come a day, hour, minute or second I stop loving or thinking about my son. Just as parents of living children unconditionally love their children always and forever, so do bereaved parents. I want to say and hear his name just the same as non-bereaved parents do. I want to speak about my deceased child as normally and naturally as you speak of your living ones.

I love my child just as much as you love yours– the only difference is mine lives in heaven and talking about him is unfortunately quite taboo in our culture. I hope to change that. Our culture isn’t so great about hearing about children gone too soon, but that doesn’t stop me from saying my son’s name and sharing his love and light everywhere I go. Just because it might make you uncomfortable, doesn’t make him matter any less. My son’s life was cut irreversibly short, but his love lives on forever. And ever.

2). Bereaved parents share an unspeakable bond.

In my seven years of navigating the world as a bereaved parent, I am continually struck by the power of the bond between bereaved parents. Strangers become kindreds in mere seconds– a look, a glance, a knowing of the heart connects us, even if we’ve never met before. No matter our circumstances, who we are, or how different we are, there is no greater bond than the connection between parents who understand the agony of enduring the death of a child. It’s a pain we suffer for a lifetime, and unfortunately, only those who have walked the path of child loss understand the depth and breadth of both the pain and the love we carry.

3). I will grieve for a lifetime.

Period. The end. There is no “moving on,” or “getting over it.” There is no bow, no fix, no solution to my heartache. There is no end to the ways I will grieve and for how long I will grieve. There is no glue for my broken heart, no exilir for my pain, no going back in time. For as long as I breathe, I will grieve and ache and love my son with all my heart and soul. There will never come a time when I won’t think about who my son would be, what he would look like, and how he would be woven perfectly into the tapestry of my family. I wish people could understand that grief lasts forever because love lasts forever; that the loss of a child is not one finite event, it is a continuous loss that unfolds minute by minute over the course of a lifetime. Every missed birthday, holiday, a milestone; should-be back-to-school years and graduations; weddings that will never be, grandchildren that should have been but will never be born– an entire generation of people are irrevocably altered forever.

This is why grief lasts forever. The ripple effect lasts forever. The bleeding never stops.

4). It’s a club I can never leave but is full of the most shining souls I’ve ever known.

This crappy club called child loss is a club I never wanted to join, and one I can never leave, yet is filled with some of the best people I’ve ever known. And yet we all wish we could jump ship– that we could have met another way– any other way but this. Alas, these shining souls are the most beautiful, compassionate, grounded, loving, movers, shakers and healers I have ever had the honor of knowing. They are life-changers, game-changers, relentless survivors, and thrivers. Warrior moms and dads who redefine the word brave.

Every day loss parents move mountains in honor of their children gone too soon. They start movements, change laws, spearhead crusades of tireless activism. Why? In the hope that even just one parent could be spared from joining the club. If you’ve ever wondered who some of the greatest world changers are, hang out with a few bereaved parents and watch how they live, see what they do in a day, a week, a lifetime. Watch how they alchemize their grief into a force to be reckoned with, watch how they turn tragedy into transformation, loss into a legacy.

Love is the most powerful force on earth, and the love between a bereaved parent and his/her child is a lifeforce to behold. Get to know a bereaved parent. You’ll be thankful you did.

5). The empty chair/room/space never becomes less empty.

Empty chair, empty room, empty space in every family picture. Empty, vacant, forever gone. Empty spaces that should be full, everywhere we go. There is and will always be a missing space in our lives, our families, a forever-hole-in-our-hearts. Time does not make the space less empty. Neither do platitudes, clichés or well-wishes for us to “move on,” or “stop dwelling,” from well-intentioned friends or family. Nothing does. No matter how you look at it, empty is still empty. Missing is still missing. The problem is nothing can fill it. Minute after minute, hour after hour, day after day, month after month, year after heartbreaking year the empty space remains. No matter how much time has passed.

The empty space of our missing child(ren) lasts a lifetime. And so we rightfully miss them forever. Help us by holding the space of that truth for us.

6). No matter how long it’s been, holidays never become easier without my son.

Never, ever. Have you ever wondered why every holiday season is like torture for a bereaved parent? Even if it’s been 5, 10, or 25 years later? It’s because they really, truly are horrific. Imagine if you had to live every holiday without one or more of your precious children. Imagine how that might feel for you. It would be easier to lose an arm, a leg or two– anything— than to live without your flesh and blood, without the beat of your heart. Almost anything would be easier than living without one of more of your precious children. That is why holidays are always and forever hard for bereaved parents. Don’t wonder why or even try to understand. Know you don’t have to understand in order to be a supportive presence. Consider supporting and loving some bereaved parents this holiday season. It will be the best gift you could ever give them.

7). Because I know deep sorrow, I also know unspeakable joy.

Though I will grieve the death of my son forever and then some, it does not mean my life is lacking happiness and joy. Quite the contrary, in fact. It is not either/or, it’s both/and. Grief and joy can and do coexist. My life is richer now. I live from a deeper place. I love deeper still. Because I grieve, I also know a joy like no other. The joy I experience now is far deeper and more intense than the joy I experienced before my loss. Such is the alchemy of grief.

Because I’ve clawed my way from the depths of unimaginable pain, suffering, and sorrow, again and again– when the joy comes, however, and whenever it does– it is a joy that reverberates through every pore of my skin and every bone in my body. I feel all of it, deeply. I embrace and thank every blessed morsel of it. My life now is more rich and vibrant and full, not despite my loss, but because of it. In grief, there are gifts, sometimes many. These gifts don’t in any way make it all “worth” it, but I am grateful beyond words for each and every gift that comes my way. I bow my head to each one and say thank you, thank you, thank you. Because there is nothing– and I mean absolutely nothing– I take for granted. Living life in this way gives me greater joy than I’ve ever known possible.

I have my son to thank for that. Being his mom is the best gift I’ve ever been given.

Even death can’t take that away.

 



  • 189 Comments

    • Melissa

      October 28, 2015 at 11:04 am

      These are beautiful words that spoke to my soul on the first month day of giving our son back to Jesus.

      1. Penny wiseman

        December 30, 2016 at 1:25 pm

        this is Penelope just never go to bed angry or finish your phone call amiable . Pray everyday for his safety and happiness❤️

    • Tunde

      October 28, 2015 at 11:59 am

      So true every word of it… so painfully true… Life is really like that after a child loss. No escape no way out no ending, it is in every breath and every moment we live till the grave.

    • stacie thompson

      October 28, 2015 at 12:18 pm

      I lost my 22 year old son Justin in June 2014. He was an expectant father, of a beautiful baby girl he never for to meet. It was a single car accident. Last Christmas was really hard for me beauss it was the first. I don’t even care to put up a tree now. I wish I could go away until the season is over with. this past Mother’s Day was a nightmare for me. I have 2 other children, but the loss is just too big to overcome. I am counting my days till I see my sweet son again.

      1. Rozanne

        October 29, 2015 at 12:26 am

        I felt the same way for about 4 years and slowly felt like I was coming back to life. My friends and family never gave up on me. To love so passionately means you have the capacity to love those who are trying to pick up your broken pieces. Let them … love them … keep breathing because that’s all they need from you. After 4 years I put up a tree with all its memories. I wept and wept but as I looked at the memories on that tree I smiled sometimes and I pray this year will be easier but no less emotional because I will never forget the one I loved most in this life.

      2. Dawn Butcher

        October 29, 2015 at 10:48 am

        My daughter passed in a single car accident in Dec 1994 at 16 The only thing that helps me through every holiday is making her a part of them. At Christmas we still hang a stocking and I put $200.00 in and invite her brothers and sisters to put in the amount they would have spent on her gift. The money adds up until i hear a story or I’m told of a situation where that money would help then I put it in an envelope and sign “From an angel” and drop it off. For her birthday I still make a cake, get balloons and invite family over. We all blow out the candles and look at photo albums or pictures or her and tell our favorite stories with her. It helps my grief to keep her memory alive and to know that the new family members added since her death know her and understand that she will always be a part of our family. I know she smiles and is proud of what I am doing.

        1. Rodney

          October 29, 2015 at 10:25 pm

          That is an awesome unselfish way to show your love and compassion for other people going through difficult times. Thank you & blessings!

          1. Doug

            August 7, 2016 at 3:24 pm

            I lost my son @ the age of 28 on 5-10- 2008. He had a major sizer. My son was handicapped he was on a 8 yr. old level. He lived on his own with the states help, i was and still am very proud of him. Throughout his life there was alot of what ifs, now only why….. I love and miss him very much.
            On top of going through his passing, which is still hard on me. I now have to go through the passing of my wife january of 2016.
            I wish everyone love & hope. May god be with you always!!

        2. Bunny Evans

          November 12, 2015 at 3:45 am

          I can only hope to be able to honor my son like this , he was killed Nov 5 2015, and the expense is harsh and we went the cheapest we could 🙁 and they are only giving us 2 weeks to pay the remaining balance and it’s causing more stress and heartache so I’d like to find a way to help parents like this someday, because it’s horrible I can barely breathe and now I have a huge expense to cover and I get to say Goodbye to my son after 20 years with him this is all to much!

        3. Linda

          January 12, 2016 at 1:41 am

          Wonderful to hear. That is a great idea. Just know that they will never be forgotten because they live on in our hearts and all the lives that they touched.

        4. Nancy Maher

          August 6, 2016 at 12:58 am

          What a wonderful soul u a, God bless you always, I belong to this club too

        5. Surfmasher

          November 17, 2017 at 3:05 am

          Thank you for sharing I love your Angel gift n keeping the memories alive.

          I just lost my sweet 22 yr old Son at the end of May to a single car crash on his way to work somehow was distracted and crashed over the cliff into the Ocean. Gods Grace comfort n Strength help me. It is the most heart renching shattering pain. My Son lived with me while he was working as an Electricians apprentice. Keeping his memory alive n writing down memories is helpful I want to bind them all up along with the 51 day Heart breaking journey we were on looking for my baby, because we didn’t know of the crash n there was no reckage on the cliff which is so hard to understand, however after about 40 days his AAA card washed up on the beach then a group of his fathers diving friends located his tire a gas tank n part of his car bumper, they were only able to retrieve his tire n the next day 51, the detective made confirmation thru the tire store receipt n the fits n or #s on my Sons Tire. Not the outcome I expected. My world crashed. I barely function st home but by God’s Grace he does my Job, all Glory to God, baby steps n a life long journey. Thank you for your coping as I want to do your gifting idea. God Bless us all. I have my older 26 yr old Son but our lives have changed forever finding that New life is .

      3. Gui

        October 29, 2015 at 1:26 pm

        Dear Stacie, I feel your pain believe me I loss my son 16 years ago due to an accident also , things are never the same now as much as you try to bring the complete happiness of holidays , weddings, mother,fathers day it will never return! What should have been should still be but never will my deepest thoughts and understandings go your way God Bless you , your husband and remaining children , we will see our son’s in life after and hug and love again !

      4. Sharon Winter

        June 19, 2016 at 1:15 pm

        Stacie Thompson ,
        I lost my son on August 15 2012 three days before his 25th birthday. He also was killed in a car accident , threw no fault of his own. He to was an expectant father. He told us three weeks before that tragic night . We were so happy for Luke and his long term girlfriend. Now we have our beautiful grandchild Nancy,who will be 4yrs old in January. She is so like her daddy bless, and like you when celebrations like Christmas, birthdays, Father’s Day. Mother’s Day it’s also very painful. The hole in our broken hearts doesn’t get any smaller, and every day we take a small step forward and also we have days when we go back a few steps. Like you I also count the days till I see my beautiful boy once again.

    • Kim Edmands

      October 28, 2015 at 12:54 pm

      I would like to get in touch with the author of this article to see if I may publish in the Compassionate Friends Newsletter. How would I do that?

      Blessings to all of us who travel this journey and who bring light to the world as we illuminate the path for others who need it most.

      Kim Edmands

    • Misti

      October 28, 2015 at 4:18 pm

      I sit here with tears rolling down my face. It has been 4.5 months since I lost my son. He was on the US Navy. These words you write and the story they tell are so true but in them I find myself inspired. Thank you for writing these words so my heart could connect with even itself.

      1. Carol Crosby

        October 28, 2015 at 5:21 pm

        I’ve a grandmother’s grief. It’s been just a year since my daughter lost her baby boy. Hurting for my child who grieves for her child is a special kind of grief. I too have felt the joy Angela speaks of. That sudden awareness of the new normal in your life and all connections with family are heightened and real. We live in the moment now.

        1. Kim

          October 29, 2015 at 9:41 am

          my daughter lost twins in 2011. They were born 8/13. One passed away 10 hours after birth and the other one 36 hours after birth.

          We talk about the boys ALL the time with their little brother who just turned 1 in September.

          They were born premature (she was 24 weeks) and they somehow developed sepsis and that is what caused them to come early.

          Beautiful baby boys that left a huge hole in all of our hearts when they passed away.

          We include the boys in all holiday decor. We have pumpkins on the step for each one of them, I have Christmas stockings for them, Easter baskets, etc…..at Christmas time, we donate gifts that are age appropriate for how old the boys are at the time…..

          1. Liz

            November 2, 2015 at 11:37 am

            I just lost my twin boys to twin to twin transfusion syndrome a little over a month ago, on September 26th, 2015. I was 23 weeks. I am so sorry for your loss. I love how you have honored and remembered them during the holidays. We plan to do that as well.

            1. Lauren

              November 5, 2015 at 11:33 pm

              Liz, I lost a set of identical twin boys. I was 23 weeks and 1 day and I too had twin to twin transfusion. My sweet angels would have been 5 and there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about them in some way. The pain never gos away you just learn how to deal with it. Honor then, talk about then, talk to them and don’t let anyone tell you different. Hugs!!

          2. Rachael

            November 10, 2017 at 1:00 am

            I lost both my identical twin boys. One on July 31st and the other just this past Sunday after 4 months in the NICU. I had him home only 4 weeks. I’m empty and hopeless. Any words of encouragement will help get me out of this darkness.

        2. MarySue Carter

          October 29, 2015 at 9:58 am

          When my 3 yr old daughter died, my mother in law told me that her pain in no way compared to mine, but that she had two kinds of loss/pain. She grieved for the loss of her granddaughter whom she loved dearly. And she also grieved for the loss for her son and I whom she loved. It gave me a new perspective on family loss. I was able, by the grace of God, to channel some pain into compassion and mercy to other family members. We have to look for ways to pull ourselves out of the pit that we want to crawl into. For me, that is “Hope in my Saviour Jesus Christ.” He is forever faithful. Because of Him, i will see my baby girl again. Take it one day at a time Carol. There are no rights and wrongs with grief. Everyone is different. We aren’t taught how to grieve. The loss of a child goes against the grain of nature. But know that God knows our pain. He lost His one and only SON as well.

          1. Ishraq

            November 21, 2016 at 5:41 pm

            i lost my twins at 22 weeks of prenancy. they were born and anthon lived 3 days ,Samuel lived one week. i got pregnant through ivf after 21 years of trying to get a baby think how happy we were but then everything came upside down. i am still standing but i am dead.I need my children life means nothing after them.

      2. Amber

        December 29, 2015 at 11:17 am

        Tears ran down my face as I read the article, too. It’s going on 3 yrs since I lost my 17yr daughter. We loose so much of ourselves when we bury a child.

    • Cindy Glaser

      October 28, 2015 at 5:22 pm

      Beautifully written and all of it is so true.

    • Emily

      October 28, 2015 at 5:24 pm

      Beautiful. Shared. Xxxxxxx

    • Sharon

      October 28, 2015 at 10:33 pm

      Beautifully written, we lost our Daughter at birth and our Son at the age of 22, 3 years ago. I haven’t worked since, some days it is even hard to get out of bed. There’s a hole in our hearts that will never go away.

      1. Samanth

        January 9, 2017 at 4:06 pm

        I lost my son 1,15,2015 he was 8 only child …
        I too know the bed situation .. It’s not a hard life we live it’s a battle we live and we stay tiered because we are constantly fighting for life….

    • Marilyn

      October 28, 2015 at 10:58 pm

      My son left me and this world in my arms on July 4, 2015. He wasn’t declared officially dead until July 7. In my heart and soul I know his true departure from this world. I struggle with the pain of my heart and the intelligence of my mind in knowing he is in heaven with God. My selfishness wants him here with me. I know that for the rest of my life I will long to hold him, touch him, and kiss his cheek. Although he was 39 years young, he was still my baby and I cry for him daily.

      1. Ambra

        November 12, 2016 at 10:59 pm

        I’m sorry.

        1. Kim Fuller

          May 1, 2017 at 1:40 am

          I am so sorry Marilyn, I to just lost my son Kory he was 35 lived with his mother and then me most of his life he was a beautiful person always had something nice to say about everyone always helping everyone even tho he suffered with pain most of his life see he was born with a stroke at birth they tried to hide it from us for 17 months but had to tell us the truth so Kory went on with life had grandma seizures until he was 17 years old what a happy day that was that he was cleared from those. so as he got older he was loved and liked by most he had contact with through his life he worked until about 3 years ago when he got in so much pain he just couldn’t work in any more so I moved in with him and his mother to help with the bills and to get him some help from doctors, and I took him to a lot of different doctors he finally got disability so that helped with some of the stress in his life, we did everything together dinner out going to the store over to friends or just taking a drive we were always together. never really got a true diagnosis for what was causing all of his pain, but no matter what as I have said he was always there for you no matter how he felt it was all about you. then sometime around Christmas 2016 everyone in are family started getting sinus and colds one or two at a time starting with my grandkids until it got to Kory he caught the cold so we treated it like everyone else cold meds but with in a couple three days his changed and I got worried about him he was running 102 Temp Plus, and talking funny and seamed to be having a hard time breathing at times so took him to an emergency room and they took vitals And draw blood Gave him IVs of fluid For dehydration.BUT NEVER checks his lungs Even With a Stethoscope on his back. Then they said he was okay and sent us home. The next day he got worseAndy collapsed at the houseAnd the fire department head taking to the Major hospital There’re they had to In put a tube down his throat to help him breath and to get enough Oxygen To his brain I couldn’t get enoughOxygenThrough his lungsThey Tried everything they could And they didn’t have the right machines To save his life So we have been transferred againTo another hospitalWhere they had the machines to bypasses his lungs.And after a couple daysThey tried to wake him upAnd he had no brain activitySo we had to say goodbyeAnd I haven’t been right centsPeople say it’s going take timeBut I don’t think there’s ever enough timeTo heal the pain that my broken heart is going throughI want to get through thisBut I feel so bad for Kory and miss him so much!!!!! I don’t know what to do. and this is coming from a guy they has been through a lots of crap and always had a way to SurviveI’ve been surviving Since I was 12 years oldBut I don’t know how to survive thisSo any help would be appreciatedYour
          grieving friend Kim

    • Karen

      October 28, 2015 at 11:32 pm

      Today it’s been 1 month since my 30 year old son was killed on his bicycle riding to work. He left behind 2 beautiful daughters 4 and 6 years old,who loved their daddy with every thing their sweet baby hearts knew of what love was. He grew up in front of my eyes from a silly fun lioving little boy to a hardworking loving father, friend son, brother and kind person. I never knew this kind of pain existed. It happens every day to somebody else and there is no way to understand this grief because it’s 100 times worse than you can ever imagine We will never be the same but I am proud to say this amazing person called me Mom.

      1. Sheridan Ritchie

        November 24, 2015 at 6:56 am

        Hi Karen
        My name is Sheri. I read your post & it brought tears to my eyes. I lost my beautiful son on the 21st March last year. He was 37 with 4 beautiful children that were the light of his life. It was fairly sudden. He was playing golf & just fell down in pain. We all races to the hospital where they worked on him for over 14 hours. He died of an anurism of the thoracic aorta. We now know this is hereditary as his Dad died at age 47 of the same thing. His youngest was only 5 months old at the time & now my beautiful 32 year old daughter in law is left to bring these darling children up

        I’d like to say to you that ‘the pain gets better in time’ but I’m afraid it doesn’t. I’ve noticed ‘for me’ the only difference is that I actually allow myself to have moments of joy without feeling so guilty’.

        At first going up to see the littlies was bitter – sweet but now I actually enjoy my stay up there. I still feel his absence though as he did have a big personality. I miss him so much – his funny jokes & silly pranks, his texts when footy & tennis is on but most of all his hugs – he gave the best bear hugs. I can close my eyes & still feel that last hug & I hang on to that like there’s no tomorrow.

        I don’t know if you are like me & don’t have a lot of people you can chat to but if you ever want to have a chat – talk a outs our sons, I’m happy to chat anytime.

        Please know you are in my heart.

        Kind thoughts
        Sheri

        1. Marjorie

          January 18, 2016 at 12:07 am

          Our son was born on March 21 1968 and he passed away on March 8, 2007, he was murdered by a friend of his wife’s she was dealing drugs and sent our son knowing he was being setup to be killed because she was having an affair with the other guy whom she later married. I will never forgive her and never want to see her again unless in court and his case has never been solved as there wasn’t any evidence at the scene but the police know who did it but not enough proof to take them to court, so we wait and that whole in my heart is big. My other kids don’t understand the grief I have for him and the love I still feel for him and also them they both have a child and pray that they never have to go through the grief that my husband and I go through every day. !
          t never gets easier

      2. Cynthia Finnegan

        January 11, 2016 at 12:18 am

        My 37 year old son was hit by a car while working. He was the awesome dad to a 6 yr old daughter and 4 yr old son. It has been so sad without him. He was fun and adventurous and my best friend. I live one day at a time because it is too painful to think I will still be in the place 10 or 20 years from now. I want to talk about him all the time but it is too painful for his siblings. So many others to consider in grief. That was a hard lesson.

    • Peggy

      October 29, 2015 at 1:13 am

      Beautiful words and true as well. As a grandmother to an infant grandson we had to return to Jesus.I can tell you now the grieving never ends for us as well. Not only do we grieve for the loss of a grandchild we also have broken hearts because we can not take away the pain from our child who is in emotional agony. We feel helpless as we hold them when they cry and cry with them. We know all we can do is love them through it. It is a daily focus and ever present in our mind and hearts but Love is all that we can do and grieve with them.This has been the most helpless and devastated I have ever felt. You want to help your child who is hurting and at the same time your own heart is breaking. These feelings never go away even after 13 years.

    • Jo

      October 29, 2015 at 10:11 am

      I am a bereaved mother as well as a chapter leader of The Compassionate Friends. This article is spot on and so helpful for all parents struggling with the loss of a precious child. How long does this grief last? As long as your love will last. In other words, when you are done loving your child, the pain will cease…which is NEVER! I have walked in the very same shoes as the author of this excellent article, and it’s all so true. Kudos to Angela for speaking her truth~

    • Randall P. Robinson

      October 29, 2015 at 11:17 am

      It has taken me the three years since my 15 year-old son died of suicide to find an all-encompassing article that so perfectly encapsulates all of the complex grief emotions that surround my loss. So from a devastated dad in Oklahoma who has formed an instant bond of deep emotional understanding with you “in mere seconds…[with] a knowing of the heart [that] connects us, even [though] we’ve never met before,” I humbly thank you with deep gratitude for expressing so perfectly what our hearts understand.

    • Barbara Osipoff

      October 29, 2015 at 11:46 am

      I, too,lost a son 5 years ago at the young age of 33 to an acute asthma attack. Marc’s loss has left a void in my heart and my life. The pain never goes away. I miss him and will love him forever.

    • Mike Moore

      October 29, 2015 at 12:22 pm

      I really appreciate your thoughts and words. I have been trying to express this over the past month as I have recently lost my son. This says it all! Bless you

    • Roselyn

      October 29, 2015 at 12:49 pm

      Thank you for sharing this. It is so true and raw. I hate it all, and hope to see # 7 but 10 months later I do not.

      1. Tina

        December 25, 2017 at 12:08 pm

        I’m at 3, 672 hours I too have not seen number 7 and can’t imagine ever seeing it. Please let me know if and when you do. My first Thanksgiving without her was horrific. Christmas well…. I’m sure you know.
        I’m on Facebook Tina Duda orr-Scheel if you ever need to talk… I’m still running, I know when I stop running the grief will swallow me and I’ll never crawl out from under it. But I’m here if u need.

    • Roselyn

      October 29, 2015 at 12:55 pm

      Thank you for your words . They are true and raw. We are out here searching for some relief, others who feel as we do, a cure!!!??
      I hope to get to # 7 but do not see that .
      I feel so alone but I know I am not .

    • Maxine

      October 29, 2015 at 3:11 pm

      As a member of ‘the club’ the metamorphosis that we as mom’s go thru from the day of our loss and the potential that there is to continue to live I believe is really remarkable. My strong, beautiful, healthy Brett, 30, drowned in a freak accident. I feel as if every word you’ve written came straight out of my mouth!
      We have all been blessed with an insight and understanding

    • Cherie

      October 29, 2015 at 7:53 pm

      unfortunately I belong to this group who are on this journey. We lost two sons. ONe from cancer at 38 yrs old our middle son died unexpectedly while his brother was fighting for his life. I guess I through myself into taking care of my son who had cancer when my middle son past. Keeping myself busy and thinking I had to do all i could to save him. Jason told me several times he would not died int the same yr as his brother, no mother needs to go through such pain. On News day 2013 he past in hospice house holding my hand. Then I had no one to take care of but myself, i thought, well they both had children,my grands. The children were practically grown but still i saw them looking to me to see how I was going to handle this journey. I then saw I needed to be strong for them and my youngest son. The lost of two brothers was almost unbearable.. ONe day i looked up and it had been three yrs since they both had left his earth.Three yrs since i had a hug or kiss, I thought. Then I looked into my grandchildrens eyes and a thought came to me .. It hasnt been three yrs because I had many hugs from them and kiss’ on my cheek.I always have my boys with me each and everyday, because i have their children. I have to be strong for them… resently we had a special addition to our family.. our youngest son and his wife had a beautiful baby girl. I have to make sure she knows all about her uncles..so this is my journey now. Not to just grieve and walk everyday without my sons but also a journey in love of what they left for me- their children..

      1. Kathleen Cowan

        October 30, 2015 at 3:47 am

        Three years is still very raw…I lost my son of 17, 16 years ago..I do not know your grief in losing two sons and I am so so sorry for your loss…I do know that how much this article is true that for me after 7 or 8 years each year got a little easier..but to a certain extent you learn to bury the pain for longer and it comes flooding back less…you can never take away love or memories…they are always and forever in your heart and soul and never a day goes by you don’t think of them. It is good you can see them still alive in your grandchildren and they also live on through them..allow yourself to grieve…grief is a journey that no one else can do for us. Be kind to you too. My thoughts are with you…it is true we all connect on another level..take comfort from others. Kathleen x

    • Frank

      October 29, 2015 at 11:44 pm

      Thank-you for the article, my mother lost her youngest son at 35. I am oldest at 50, I know that I cannot imagine a parents grief , it is different from a brothers grief. I going to reach out to my mother.

      Thank-you again

    • 7 Things I’ve Learned Since the Loss of My Child – Still Standing Magazine | Greatpoetrymhf's Weblog

      October 30, 2015 at 2:17 am

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    • Sandra Kay Potts

      November 2, 2015 at 2:17 pm

      I recently lost my son of 46. We had an incredible relationship, woven around hunting, fishing, camping, and parenthood. So many wonderful memories, so many plans for the future.
      And now, I cannot seem to heal the feeling of bleeding in my core. It feels as though I am not connected to anything . I have lost my will to live, to sleep , and accept this new membership to HELL.
      I have started a few new quilts ,and find ” creating” my new friend.

      1. Connie

        November 7, 2015 at 9:56 am

        Sandra, I feel exactly the way you do. This club is hell. I lost my only daughter July 30, 2015, she was 38 years old. We were friends not just mother and daughter. I don’t think I’ll ever get over this. I am raising her 10 old son. He was 9 when she passed and his 10 year birthday without her was really hard for me. Matter of fact everyday is hard no matter what. I miss seeing them together and the love they had. I will never be the same. Prayers to us all for being forced in this Club from Hell.

      2. Libby McDowell

        September 16, 2016 at 11:38 pm

        Connie and Sandra,
        I read your comments with such awe in how our stories are so much the same re: our heartache. My Precious son Chad died at age 44 after a gallant struggle with leukemia. He had such a beautiful family. So close and loving!! 3 young children that lit up the world and they were so tight!! Won’t even try to explain this family. He was the light of MY life like you can’t believe. Everyone who knew me knew my love for Chad was beyond words ….he was my ‘precious’ and I knew he was just plain perfect in my eyes. He died recently…12/9/2015. I still cannot think about him without crying almost uncontrollably. I work long hours and and am consumed by my job which has helped me move through this pain. My husband is a grief counselor and he tries so hard to help me but NOTHING will bring Chad back and I have to manage this heartache on my own. No one can share it….it is my burden. I have close family members and friends but I don’t care how they sympathize ……they have not experienced this loss. Hello fellow club members! YOU do know how it feels!! Tragedy always seemed to happen to other people….now I am experiencing tragedy. No, it won’t ever be easy but I must be able to enjoy life with my other 2 wonderful adult kids and my grandchildren. I DO look forward to that……….but I am very very sad that Chad is not here with us.

    • Bill Chester

      November 3, 2015 at 1:45 pm

      Unfortunately, I just joined this club. It is the most painful thing that I could ever have imagined. I feel for each and everyone of you had that has had to go through this. I keep waking up each day praying that this has been a horrible nightmare and will land. It has not. I lost my nine-year-old boy who seemed to be quite healthy just out of the blue. We were walking to a neighbors house three houses away because my little boy wanted to bring a friend of ours some cookies. He collapsed and his heart never started beating again. I find myself lost. I find myself crying almost all of the time. I have many many people around me and still feel so lonely. I feel for everyone else who has had to go through this.

      1. Bunny Evans

        November 12, 2015 at 3:53 am

        I can relate to this 🙁

      2. Kendra Vaughn

        December 30, 2016 at 7:11 am

        Hello Bill and Bunny,

        I stumbled upon this article and blog out of luck as I was searching for an “answer” to my boyfriend’s mourning and depression-especially during this Holiday Season. As I’m learning from this blog, there is no “answer.” (I didn’t know that before…silly me…)

        My boyfriend lost his son over 7 years ago. His son was 6 years old, he had drown in a pond that was by no means up to any “code” of safety/cleanliness etc…

        I love my boyfriend more than anything and couldn’t understand the pain he’s been going through. Our relationship is struggling, as he is not only consumed with guilt over his son’s death, but isn’t sure if he will “love” again. Case in point.

        As mentioned I had no idea what bereaved parents/persons go through and I have read this entire blog, Tears have been streaming down my face for the last hour and I find myself crying for pretty much every person who has lost and posted on this blog! My heart goes out to you Bill, Bunny and every person on this blog. Thank you guys for opening my eyes. Thank you! If there is anything you all have taught me, it’s to hug, love, listen as much as possible for the pain that you all have gone through and continue to go through for this pain is unbearable and all-consuming. Thank you all for educating me so that I can do the best that I can to offer support/love/shoulder to cry on/ear to listen….Thank you! All my best. …and God Bless.

    • Bets

      November 3, 2015 at 3:45 pm

      I have been sitting here reading all these comments, after reading this so true article, with tears running down my cheeks…..my Christmas baby died after being thrown from the back of a motor cycle…..she was 54 and left two wonderful daughters, who have been such a blessing and I grieve constantly for them….they lost a loving Mother and i lost a loving daughter….her brothers and sister feel her lose so much, we all cry together….but the blessing is on the Mother’s Day before she died, we were all four together, just the 5 of us and we didn’t even plan it that way, God did, knowing what was coming….such a memory to hang onto….I can’t think of anything that would make the pain and better except remembering the words of a gospel song, Tears are a Language God Understands….

    • Linda

      November 3, 2015 at 7:16 pm

      I too am part of the said club of parents who have lost children I lost my only child my beautiful 42 year old son 1 year ago today. I miss him every day and tears come easily

    • Merri Lynne Sterry

      November 3, 2015 at 10:36 pm

      This is the best thing that I have read. Really touches on all of my thoughts and feelings. We lost our “boy” in January in a horrible car accident. He was such a delight and a blessing to have for almost 19 years. Some days I don’t know if I will make it another day.

    • Peg

      November 4, 2015 at 10:13 am

      I also belong here along with all of you, I lost my best friend ( my son) at the age of 34 to a freak auto accident on Memorial Day. We told each other everything. My MD said we had a special bond that not too many mothers and sons have.. My husband and my daughter have that bond and I and my son had it also… It’s been ten years and I haven’t moved forward very much… A lot of that I blame on my family, you see, I have 10 brothers and sisters, many nieces and nephews and so on. When you count just my immediate family there was 84 of us, and my son was the first to pass. He spent 8 years in the. Navy so I had a military funeral for him, he deserved it… He is in the new military cemetery up here and I also had him buried at sea. ( That was at his request, When he came home from his tour he said ” Once a seaman always a seaman”)
      The one thing that I did not have that it seems like all of you had was family support, after the funeral, my family wasn’t there for me… My mom told me that it was Gods will and I had to move on… My one sister told me not to call her because I made her depressed and she couldn’t handle it… The other one said to accept it and get on with my life…For 5 years I hardly talked to them, I see them once in a while now, but I’m not permitted to bring up my sons name… If I start a sentence by saying Butch I get all these looks, and once in a while I can tell a funny story about him… His name fit him very well… He was 6’2″ 180lbs. And I am 5′ …. My husband is my soul mate but my son is my best friend… And I have nowhere to go…
      Thank you so much for listening to me…

      1. Leahann

        November 10, 2015 at 9:34 pm

        its hard to lose a child under the best of circumstances but to have no family support at all i couldnt immagin i mean my family wasnt there for me but i at least have my husbands family and they treat me like one of there own if you ever need to just talk or vent rant or whatever my email is leahannvaughn.com im always willing to lend an understanding ear

      2. Patricia Donnelly

        December 6, 2015 at 10:02 am

        Dear Peg, my heart goes out to you, for your loss. I`m so sorry, your family has not been supportive! They, who should be there, for one of theirs, is not. I pray God they see the light, and finally step up. Glad You have a husband, there for you. I lost my 27 year old son, 16 years ago, in a car accident, he left a 5 year old daughter, whom I raised as mine! She is now 21, and I can see a lot of his features still! All I can say, is Please Hang In, It never goes away, but will get easier, in time. Time is the key word. As you can`t rush it, it will happen on it`s own.. I will keep you in my prayers, may God Bless You, and grant you PEACE!

        In Love, Pat!

        1. Amy

          December 14, 2015 at 8:40 am

          Dear Peg,

          People are such creatures of habit. We navigate our lives through habit, it routes nearly every minute of our lives. While I think your family has been selfish, even cowardly in excluding you for so many years while all along you’ve needed their support and understanding, perhaps it would help you to come to terms that when Butch died they lost someone they loved, too. Facing you during your earliest days of mourning was something they had to do because they couldn’t face up to their own grief, couldn’t find a way to acknowledge that your own grief was, and still is the greatest. They avoided you and kept avoiding you until avoidance has become their habit.

          Perhaps you could try reaching out to them with phone calls or cards in the mail. Tell them that after ten years you still need their support, have never stopped needing it. Let them know you’re weary of being treated as if you’re invisible for something no one had any control over. Also, acknowledge their grief that, as hard as Butch’s death was and will always be for you, you know they were hurt, too.

          If you do this, I can nearly promise those who love you most will come forward and, together, you can find your way back to love for one another. Should they all continue to ignore you, you will have lost nothing.

          Blessings and peace to you.

      3. Deb

        January 13, 2016 at 1:28 am

        Yes. I can relate to your story. My family was not supportive at all. A friend of only one year called me everyday and checked on me. I think GOD put her in my life to help me through this horrific time. My family never mentions Scotty and it is like he never existed. He was 18 and loved by all. I miss him so much. My family was definitely not there for me. He was 18 ….gone 4 years +

      4. Rachel

        January 28, 2016 at 6:28 pm

        I know what your talking about. My husband and I lost our ” Sweet little Gurl “, 34 years ago. After her birth we were so happy. We had had been married more than 6 years and feeling so Blessed to have her in our arms. Our home was complete. The next week was the most wonderful week of my life…. then it happened !! She was gone. JUST GONE !!! We went thru the motions, the funeral ect…. in disbelief. And now…. I still have the pain in my heart, the tears still flow and people have forgotten when she was born, when she died. They say “It is better that she died before you got to know her” People do not understand !! My prayer is that they never do understand. Being a member of this CLUB sucks raw eggs.

    • Rhonda Hall

      November 6, 2015 at 6:14 pm

      Wonderful article!

    • Rebecca mcneal

      November 7, 2015 at 2:59 pm

      2006 my 43 year old daughter died. 2008 my husband died after fighting cancer. 2009 my 54 year old son in law suddenly died. Year 2013 my 50 year old daughter died from grief. That is my family. I have a grand son and grand daughter living. Some days are so hard. I could write so much of the sorrow .

    • Cecelia

      November 8, 2015 at 12:41 am

      Thank you so much for this wonderful article. We have been members of “the club” for nearly nine years. This is surely a club that nobody wants to join! Our son had muscular dystrophy and was in the hospital for over a month when he was 15–he came home with a tracheotomy. Someone had crocheted a “prayer blanket” that fit perfectly on his hospital bed. I still have it and wrap up in it sometimes. I dreamed about him one night soon after he died. He was sitting up on a bed in a cabin (at camp?), no wheelchair, no respirator, with a stack of blankets beside him. I asked “Are these your prayer blankets?” He answered “No Mom, I don’t need them anymore.” That dream has given me such peace! I pray for peace for everyone who has to go through this. I also encourage those who have just started their journey to look for the unexpected joys. It’s okay to be happy again after losing your child. Not happy they are gone, but the happiness of memories and the joy of still being able to love them even though they are absent in body. Speak their names! Remind yourself of that funny face they made or that joke that only the two of you understood. It took me almost a year before I could laugh about things like that, but it happened, and it was good.

    • Lydia Davis

      November 9, 2015 at 12:41 pm

      It will be three long and painful years next Monday since my beloved son took his life aged 34. . He had a brilliant mind but a tortured soul. The pain and grief is unbearable, my heart is broken and can never be fixed and for me, time does not heal but it has helped reading all the poignant and amazing messages of courage and inspiration from parents who have joined this most dreadful of ‘clubs’. . It is true that you can have a broken heart and I feel that mine has been completely shattered and can never be fixed but my life is worth living because of the joy I get from my amazing daughter and three wonderful grandchildren. My love and thoughts to everyone who is dealing with such indescribable pain.

      1. Kathy Caldwell

        March 21, 2016 at 11:42 pm

        I can so relate to your story. My son, too, committed suicide at age 34. He, too, had a tortured existence. It gives me great peace to know that he is not dealing with his demons any more and is at total peace and freedom. Of course, I would love to still have him here, but not if he would continue to be so miserable. Yes, this is not a club I would have chosen to belong to, but I do take comfort in knowing other people who understand what it is like! Love and joy to all.

    • Kimberley

      November 9, 2015 at 11:37 pm

      I lost my youngest son Dec 2013 and struggle every moment trying to make sense of why me. I attend Compassionate Friends, grieve counselling along with weekly Dr appointments and still find the heartache unbearable. Then I found your words, amazingly I realized that its okay to feel the heartache, pain, and emptiness in our family, this shows that my son Grant was and is loved. You have explained the grieve of a parent the way we feel on a day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute basis so eloquently.
      I do hope in time I am able to feel joy, happiness and blessings that come my way, you have given me hope! There is a bond between grieving parents of children, I have not met you nor the others that have posted their comments but realize we all understand each other regardless of race, religion or the countries that we may live in, we are all bonded by our children in heaven.
      Thank you for your uplifting words, from one mother to another.

    • Miriam Center

      November 10, 2015 at 12:09 pm

      A poem I wrote for my son Henry, who died of a brain tumor:

      Words for my Dead Son

      If I should open the door
      and suddenly a man,
      you at thirty-seven
      walked in

      Who would you be
      Where have you been
      what would you say

      I would know you
      you would love me
      symbiotic drums would
      beat You would be
      alive alive

      1. elizabeth

        January 14, 2017 at 12:14 am

        Beautiful poem – thank you so much for sharing it.

    • Leahann

      November 10, 2015 at 9:21 pm

      I enjoyed reading your story/exsperience. I myself have lost a son. His name was bennett and he was 7 and a half months old when he passed. while everyone exsperiences loss differently we all also deal with it in alot of the same ways also. and you are surely right when you said the loss never goes away there isnt a single day that goes by that i dont think of my little guy.if i had to think of one thing that bugs me about people who havent been in our shoes its that my little guy was here 7 and a half months and everone always says just 7 and while that seems petty of me to let something that little bother me but it does he was here longer than just seven months and while that seems like a small amount of time it altered my life forever he made me the person i am today he was my reason for exsisting and when there gone u feel as though you have nothing left to live for. still im grateful for the time i did have with him he was an adorable little boy with the cutest blond hair and pierceing blue eyes youve ever seen.i often think to myself as im sure most of us do when i could have done different or what i have done in my life that was so horrible that i deserved this but in truth there isnt really a why that matters.all that matters is that it did happen and no amount of begging pleading and yes in my case even trying to barter with god so to speak but in the end you left a lonley empty shell of your former self. but as time goes by you begin st see a small glimpse every now and agian of the person you used to be and while im forever changed i wouldnt trade a single second of the time i had with him even if it meant the pain would stop be cause without sorrow and grief we wouldnt apprecate life and love just my thoughts that you so much for sharing your very brave best wishes leahann

    • KAREN

      November 13, 2015 at 11:24 am

      I lost my son Jacob on 4/3/15 in a car wreck two weeks before his 20th birthday. Then I lost my dad two months later to cancer. I cry just about every day. I just can’t get passed how sad I am and how much I miss my son. Jacob was smart, funny, witty, just a wonderful person that loved life, loved college, loved his friends, would do anything for you. He was in college studying to be an engineer. He wanted to be one since elementary school and was in sophomore year of college when he was killed on his way to visit his girlfriend. I just fill so lost, broken and that he and we were cheated out of so much!

    • Donna Cable

      November 13, 2015 at 1:56 pm

      God gifted me and my husband on August 7th 1976 with a beautiful healthy son and on March 2nd 2014 God called him home to Heaven. Our son Jamie was our world and I honestly do not know of a more kinder gentler and loving man. The pain and grief that me and my husband share is constantly with us. We always took vacations together, Sunday dinners at his home, and Church together. The certificate states complications of a seizure. Jamie never had seizures before but was hospitalized in October 2013 with high blood pressure and a seizure. He always told everyone that he knew that he would take care of mom and Dad and he did. He was a senior technical architect at AT & T and he loved his job. He loved God, his family, and friends. He loved the saying – Remember me with smiles and laughter for that is how I will remember you all- If you can only remember me with tears and sadness than don’t remember me at all. Once I get to Heaven I will never have to be separated from him again.

    • Cathy Blakley

      November 14, 2015 at 11:46 pm

      I lost my son 9 days before his 25th birthday, in 1998.. He and a best friend were killed in a small airplane. I have written him a poem for the last 17 years and have published it in 2 local newspapers. Here is one I wrote in 2011:

      My dearest Jamie,

      Another year goes by and yet the struggles are there,
      To everyone I talk to, it’s your memories I share.
      There’s so many questions , there’s so much to say
      And I will look for those answers til my final day.

      I walk past a mirror and I take that second look
      Wondering why instead of me it was YOUR life God took.
      I often imagine of your world up above
      And I’m hoping you are constantly feeling our love.

      Are you happy, are you sad, do you have any fear?
      Do you look down upon us without a tear?
      When there’s peace in your soul will we somehow know?
      Will the stars in the sky have that heavenly glow?

      As with Todd now there is Aaron right by your side
      And without your presence we have been denied.
      Remember from our hearts which will always be broken
      The words “I LOVE YOU” will be softly spoken.

      1. Jodi

        December 3, 2017 at 1:21 am

        That was amazingly beautiful! I don’t think I could come up with a poem, I never tried but maybe someday when I can sort things out, there would be just to much for me to say for my 7 year old I would just probably make a story! Poems are beautiful and very difficult to write. Just keep writing and I’ll keep watching with saddened love Jodi

    • Valerie Loupe

      November 16, 2015 at 6:16 pm

      I lost my 17 year son in a horrible car accident. However I didn’t only lose him but everyone in his life,because no one knew what to say to me so they left me as well . The pain and emptynesss.
      Is with me everyday. I always say it’s okay but it’s really not okay. I am still grieving daily.

    • Lori Jackson

      November 24, 2015 at 6:34 am

      I lost my 15 year old daughter on August 26,2014 and my mother November 2, 2014 I am so far in grief I barely leave home or talk to anyone. The hurt is real I loved my mother and my daughter very much and both of them left me to bear this grief my heart has been ripped from my chest. I feel as though someone is suffocating me and I don’t know what to do. Please say a prayer for me. Hurt, lost, and lonely!

      1. Gabbie

        November 29, 2016 at 3:39 pm

        I am praying for you – my son just died this past summer – I can barely breath sometimes – I will keep you in my heart. Dear God hear her tears and help her walk this with You. – Gabbie

        1. Lori Jackson

          November 30, 2016 at 12:55 pm

          Gabbie, I know your pain. I am still yet struggling with these losses. I can pray for you and I will pray for you. I can’t offer any quick fix remedy because there are none. You have to go through this storm in order to find out what will work and what won’t work. Just know that there is no expiration on grief. Take all the time you need in order to heal and when you feel strong enough then and only then can you help the next person. God sees and he knows. Prayers from my heart and soul go to you. I am so sorry for your loss.

    • Kathy Ramsey

      December 5, 2015 at 7:45 am

      I pray everyday day for anyone that has lost a child.

    • s.a.m.

      December 5, 2015 at 3:25 pm

      Grief that reaches the depth of despair. Our 19 year old son was in a drowning accident. (he was an excellent strong swimmer). Thank God his two friends survived. Then the questions come WHY God? Was I being punished?.
      Peace of mind comes from knowing he is safe, well cared for, happy, loved and without pain and someday I will see him.
      It has been over 36 years. I fight never to think back at the tragedy the pain is eternally unbearable. I remember how much I loved him and still do.
      My words to all “you never get over it but you get on with life” . Forever a changed person, more aware of others and the grief they are suffering..

    • Christy Mckinney

      December 7, 2015 at 10:52 am

      I lost my daughter who was only 20 years old And I think of her everyday God bless all of you Cuz I feel your pain I know she’s in heaven Just like all the other children are And I’m glad to know I’m not aloneGod bless you all.

    • C Southard

      December 7, 2015 at 3:29 pm

      I lost my older brother almost 9 years ago. He was only 38 years old. He was estranged and ostracized by my parents for several years after he came out as gay at 19 years old. Us four other siblings rallied around him and always accepted him for who he was (he was such a good person and our brother), but it took a long time for my parents to come around. Eventually, in the end, he was the one who came home and took care of my parents when they were going through some tough times, and then he took a turn for the worse. After he died a horrible death from AIDS related complications my mother never recovered. My Dad remains silent, stoic and detached. My Mom remains cold, emotional and aloof. I imagine both of them have guilt for the way they treated my brother for several years and that’s why their grief, particularly my mother’s, is so profound. We all mourn my dear brother. The thing that pains me the most though is that my Mom has four living children and she has all but abandoned us emotionally since my brother’s passing.. It’s been so long and I understand that grief is handled differently by people, but when you have four living children with grandchildren, you need to focus on this life and the blessings that you have now. The death of a child is profound, but grief is not unique no matter who died. You can’t measure one love against another kind of love. Life is for the living and our beloved deceased family members would want us to celebrate this life, not crawl up into a hole and become useless because of their passing. I have children of my own, and my heart would ache like no other if they ever died before I did.. But I am also cognizant of the fact that life is for the living. If you choose to be dead inside, no matter the circumstances of a loved one’s death, you are are choosing your own emotional self destruction. Grief is grief (I just want to disclose that I witnessed my birth mother shoot her heart out when I was 7 years old, and I was later adopted by my Dad’s second wife, who is truly the only Mom I’ve known. I know grief and heartache and nightmares…so please don’t post crap about…”but it’s not the same….” ) You can’t measure grief and articles like this diminish others experiences sometimes. Celebrate your child. Celebrate your loved ones. But don’t compare your grief to another’s grief….

      1. Kathy McMullen

        January 3, 2016 at 7:38 pm

        I’m sorry for your loss. We were very blessed when my brother died because our mom had 4 other children to take care of. We rarely saw her cry I guess she did most of it alone. But she never let us feel like she didn’t love us just as much as before. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

      2. Maribel

        January 10, 2016 at 1:17 am

        This is a touching article. I definitely must agree with C Southard. There is no need to one up anyone on grief. Grief is extremely hard when any loss is experienced. Divorce is a kind of death and is a deep loss even with someone who is living. So, the idea that reconciliation is always possible just because someone is alive is not accurate. And, that is the loss of someone that has faced rejection from family members or divorce.

        I think it is wonderful that this article gives us “permission” to celebrate those lives that were taken too soon. It helps to know that it’s “OK to ask about them” and allow grieving parents to share their treasured memories of their children. .

        Grief is grief. I know that as a divorced person who has not experienced the loss of a child, I don’t need to compare. I just know that the pain from dealing with any loss allows me to hug that person that is going through their grief and to be there for them and to let them know that it’s OK when it’s not OK.

    • Day 25 | Kinley's Mommy

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    • Karin

      December 14, 2015 at 2:48 am

      Wow… there are so many of us. It’s a wonder how taboo the general populous treats our losses. We lost our son to brain cancer, diagnosed at 17 months old, he died four months later. That was 11 years ago. He is still very much a part of our immediate family, his brother and sister including him in their identity of family, but the extended branches of the family are awkward at best.
      Reading through many but admittedly not all of the comments I want to share a book (among the dozens that folks gifted us) we found helpful from page one: When the Bough Breaks
      (Judith R Bernstein).
      My hope is that every one of you has even just one person you can count on to just BE! who can listen and ask and refrain from any sort of advice or judgement.
      And as for the joy purported to be on its way, Khalil Gibran has a piece that illustrates this juxtaposition with great eloquence.

    • Mel Sheppard

      December 28, 2015 at 9:09 pm

      My younger son passed on 23 September 2004 and your words (apart from no. 2) are relevant to me. It has now been Christmas number 12 without him, and our ‘thing’ was always the turkey wishbone. There are now 12 turkey wishbones in a red and white lanyard hanging just to the left of where I am sitting typing this .. next to a portrait drawing of my boy. He was 32 years of age when he died.

    • Larry Fegel

      January 1, 2016 at 1:51 pm

      I lost my son during July of 2010. He was 27 years old. I agree that holidays are especially hard. However, there has not been a day that I have not grieved for him. I read a quote recently written by an unknown author.

      ” Grief never ends, but it changes. It is a passage through which we travel. It is not a place to stay. To grieve does not show a lack of faith or a lack of strength. Grief is the price we pay for having loved someone.”

      There are many times when I do seem to be frozen in my passage of grief. May God comfort all of you who have lost a child.

    • Kathy McMullen

      January 3, 2016 at 7:34 pm

      This was so moving! I tragically lost a brother when he was 10 years old. My parents had 5 children and loved all of us equally. When my brother died, we all had such a BIG loss. My dad wouldn’t talk about him and would leave the room when we did. My sisters and Mother would sit at the kitchen table talking about him and his life and the funny things. We would all end up in tears but I think that was the best therapy we could have ever had! We spoke so much of things he did and loved doing that when we all got married and had children that they also talk of him the was we had as if they knew him. We kept him living through our memories and have passed it down through the years. He was born 4/1/1963 and died 4/28/1973. He had just become a cub scout and absolutely loved fishing and being outside. The day he died he caught a 10 pound bass and mama took his picture! She would have taken tons of pictures if she had known that would be the last one! Always talk about your loved ones who have passed away and keep their memories alive. Thanks so much for the post!

    • Carolyn Wright

      January 3, 2016 at 9:25 pm

      I lost my son Shane on Sept. 19 2015. A part of my heart went with him . This is the worst loss I have ever experienced. I find myself crying all the time

    • Tony Gavigan

      January 4, 2016 at 7:18 pm

      Wow… I lost Kyle 20 years ago and have trawled the country(Ireland) looking for answers and counselling, this is a great source of comfort for all grieving parents. It is a life sentence of pain,loss,grief and what ifs.. The author of this article has penned it correctly in her description. Terrifying though it sounds for you newcomers to “The Club” it never goes away. But time helps. God bless us Mammies and Daddies alike. Xx

    • Candy

      January 5, 2016 at 9:50 pm

      I lost my 22 yo daughter to cancer, I feel fortunate in that, we knew she was dying, and I was able to hold her and talk to her, say all the things I needed to say, prior to her passing, We hurt so much because we loved with our very being, my comfort is knowing that she is in a better place and I will join her again some day, God Bless you all andI pray for your peace and comfort.

    • Lana McKinzie

      January 6, 2016 at 11:22 pm

      I lost my baby girl (age 5 years, 4 mos.) In 1966. Even though it’s been 49 years, it seems like today. Rarely a day goes by that she is not in my thoughts. I was blessed to have 3 more children, and love them dearly, but the loss of Deanna forever changed my life.
      I have never met anyone else who has lost a child, no club to share my grief.

    • John

      January 7, 2016 at 12:44 am

      We lost our 24 year old son Nov 7th 2015. He suffered a life of mental illness and took his own life. Yes the club, a club that you will never be thrown out of. I hate being able to truly say “I know how you feel”. My heart is heavy for all that are here whom have lost a child. May you find strength to carry on in your child’s name.

    • Nancy

      January 8, 2016 at 6:56 pm

      I lost my son December 16, 2015, it was 4 days before his 27th birthday. To an overdose. I miss him all the time. I also feel doubts in myself as his mother. Could I have changed anything? He was a really great kid, with a really bad problem. A lot of people either avoid me because they don’t know what to say, or they tell me I need to figure out how to move on from this. talking helps a lot! So thank you for this.

    • Dallana Loper

      January 9, 2016 at 1:21 am

      Thank you for your words of comfort! I lost my precious son, Cory over 29 years ago, at the age of 10 (almost 11) yrs. old! He was loved by everyone that met him. He was my joy for sure and I’m so thankful for my other two joys in my life along with my precious grandchildren! Thanks again so much, for your words of wisdom & comfort. My sister & my parents (now deceased) have also lost a son so unfortunately we all know & share this unbearable pain! Your article was so well said & spot on! Living with this pain is torture! I really want to read more of what you have written!
      Thanks again for your thoughts!
      Dallana Loper

    • Shelia Thompson

      January 9, 2016 at 1:27 am

      This article could only have been written by someone who has lost a child; it is very right on. I lost my oldest son in a motorcycle accident at the age of 41 not sure exactly what happened to cause it . That will be five years February 20,2016 he had a 15 yr. old son. For nearly 3 years I hardly left the house except to go to his grave and to counseling. Then my mother fell and broke her hip so I had to move I had to be with people because I wanted to be with her to help her. She was sent home with hospice and we were told she would live 2 days to 2 weeks she lived 18 mo. I had spent every single day with her and my Dad then on March 19,2015 she passed away at the age of 93. In less than 3 months my youngest son 43 committed suicide on June 7,2015 leaving behind a 17 yr, daughter and 8 yr. old son. My head hasn’t even begun to process his death. I have a 40 yr. old daughter that I am hovering over yesterday she had a bad asthma attack and I took her to hospital all the while thinking not again I can’t go thru this again. I have an especially hard time when hearing its God’s Will and I always believe I am being punished. My heart goes out to each and everyone of you it doesn’t matter their ages they will always be our babies.

    • Lindsey

      January 9, 2016 at 3:13 am

      Beautiful. I lost my daughter and first child 30 minutes after she was born
      .. Full term.. I was only 19 years old. We sued the
      Hospital and won
      , but of course that gives you nothing back. I never knew I was this strong, and I now know that I can make it through anything! My baby girl will be remembered forever.

    • Jeanne Walton

      January 9, 2016 at 1:19 pm

      My 24 yr old son, Bill was accidentally electricuted at work 36 years ago. Still feels like yesterday.
      Every detail of that day is etched in my mind as though it were just this morning all over again. Maintaining sanity and living a positive, productive life has been a lifelong struggle.
      Bill was a happy, free spirit and enjoyed everything and everyone he knew.
      How have I coped? Bill was married only two months. They were very much in love and looking forward to a long and happy marriage. All I could think of was his wife and the grief she was suffering as a new bride. Her beloved was taken from her and she was devestated. I on the other hand had two precious sons still living. God is good.
      These two sons have filled a void that no one else could. Both happily married and productive in their work and now I have 4 wonderful granddaughters that fill our lives with so much joy. Bill still lives on in our hearts and we find comfort in talking about him and remembering our good times together with him when we are lucky enough to be together.
      Grief? Yes. Pain? Yes. How long does it last? FOREVER. BUT becomes overshadowed with joy and love for all the many blessings we have including the sweet, sweet memories of the God given soul HE loaned us for 24 years. We did the best we knew how and I know he is with our Lord and Saviour and we will all be together again one day.

    • Lesley

      January 10, 2016 at 6:19 am

      I lost my 20 year old son to suicide 7 years ago. After being a single parent for 17 of his 20 years and having no other children your statements are true and correct. I will grieve my son all of my life. He was my world

    • George Novalany

      January 10, 2016 at 11:21 am

      I can’t begin to explain the extent of the pain I have endured since the loss of my son who was 23 when he died. Ten years prior to that I loss my wife suddenly and without notice when she was 45 leaving me to raise my two boys alone who were 13 and 15 at the time. Michael, my youngest, was devastated by the loss of his mother. He never recovered and went into a deep and lasting depression resulting in marijuana abuse,then getting entrapped into the juvinile justice system and eventually spending 7 months in the Carrier Clinic locked up like a criminal offender.
      He never hurt anyone except himself and would like to thank him for that now. After years of despair he finally came around and attended Sanford Brown Medical Institute as a surgical technologist student and graduated with honors. He obtained a position in a hospital in western PA where he moved to with his girlfriend. Shortly thereafter she left him breaking his heart and moved in with her mother in central PA. Then one weekend when he was scheduled to work she called and ask him for a ride to NJ so she could visit some friends. He went out of his way to accommodate here, got someone to switch at work and picked her up on a Friday night. It was dark already and he was going down a steep unlighted, wet highway and came upon a sharp curve unexpectedly. The car slid out of control into the woods hitting a tree. He died on the side of the road and luckily his girlfriend escaped uninjured. She had her seat belt on and he didn’t which is something I had drilled into both my kids heads since the day they were born. I asked her why hers was on and his wasn’t and she could not give me an answer. I have never and will never be the same since that fatal night. I just struggle through each day trying to find what happiness I can elsewhere but it is always tainted with the loss of my son.

    • Robin

      January 10, 2016 at 9:19 pm

      My heart was broken into pieces 3 months ago 2 days shy of his birthday he committed suicide in our yard. He would have been 43. He was loved by everyone. I am so heartbroken .

    • Cynthia Finnegan

      January 10, 2016 at 9:39 pm

      This is exactly how I feel about my son Matthew. He was hit by a car on Aug 3 while leading a bicycle tour. He was pronounced dead Aug 9. He was 37. I miss him everyday and say his name all the time. He and I were kindred spirits. I want to celebrate him. Out loud.

    • Dortie

      January 11, 2016 at 9:43 am

      I couldn’t have said this better. Life is so,difficult. I try everyday and sometimes I’m exsuated !
      I remember your son and have keep him in my prayers. Little did I know at the time I would be going through the same in unending life.

    • Carole

      January 11, 2016 at 11:37 am

      My daughter in law died at 43 from cancer. She was my “daughter” for 25 years…we had a rare ” in-law” relationship. My grief continues to overwhelm me 15 months later and so many discount it because I didn’t give birth to her. Couldn’t have loved her more if she was my own. I grieve for my sons loss as well. I am so very grateful for the years we had as she battled multiple myeloma for 20 years and then died in 68 days from ovarian cancer. The people in my online grief groups have gotten me through these past 15 months. I do believe grief is lifelong and my heart hurts for all of you who share this grief.

    • Shirleyjune hagerhirschman

      January 12, 2016 at 5:26 pm

      This is January 12,2016, the anniversary of when we buried my 2 sons that were killed when hit by a train Jan.7th.in our town coming home from work for lunch , this was the worst day of my life I thought,you always think that they will be burying you, which is just as it should be, the parent should never have to bury their children, but I have buried 3 sons. the last one was my oldest, he was burned to death his Grandson set the trash on fire he had told him not to but he did anyway ,James had severe Diabetes, and had had his left foot half amputated, and to keep his trailor from burning down, he got out and tryed to put out the fire. As he was trying to stomp it out, his nylon pants caught on fire, And burned him over 95 % of his body, he had the worst burns you can have and died on Easter morning, as we were getting ready for church..These children was my life, I raised them in church and all three were great kids. The Hosp. St. John’s Mercy, st .louis co. Missouri, tried everything they could to save him,they did skin grafting from cadaver’s strip’s of skin. they finally told me there was’nt much they could do. but they wanted to try something else, they cut off his left leg, and half of his fingers on his left hand.His body was so infected with Mersa, that his body just could not heal. He was on a ventolator ever since he was flown to the hospital by helicopter. He also had Cancer on top of his head. he never came out of the hospital. After all this I am not the same .I miss them everyday. I had already helped bury 23 relatives including my Granddaughter, whom I had to bury since she was still in the Hosp.(my daughter). The only child I have left. I loved my sons.

    • D. Foster

      January 13, 2016 at 7:10 pm

      My heart aches for all of you, I too lost my daughter when she was 37 years old. She fell backwards down her basement steps. That’s been eight years ago on Dec. 1,2007 The I miss her so much every day. God Bless all of you!

    • Ann

      January 15, 2016 at 12:24 pm

      In reading all the comments here and being deeply touched by them, as well as my own grief, what stands out is the utter and dire separation that death means for us, and how death is so permanent.

      At the risk of being judged for saying this, I am so grateful to the Lord Who did not spare His only son, Jesus Christ, Who in turn made the way for us (and truly overcame death) in providing Himself AS the ransom for mankind in how death entered the world and has a hold over even one person let alone all.

      We were not meant to die! We were never meant to ever be separated! And just like God, we are meant to live for all of eternity. WITH God, Who is “love personified.” And, our being made in God’s image, the powerful, deep and abiding love that we know and have for our loved ones IS the very Spirit of that love personified!

      “Forever” is not a word just for children in fairytales. While I do grieve not being with my loved ones in the flesh now, I am deeply comforted that I will be with them again! And forever!

      Thank You, dear Lord, for Your SUPREME love of us and for us!!!

    • Jeannette Zig Hill

      January 15, 2016 at 7:33 pm

      My husband of 40 yrs. died onFeb.1,2015. 6weeks later on Mar.13 my son(51 yrs.) died of a massive heartattack. Two funerals in 6 weeks for your family will show you where your faith is. Thank you,Father for your abiding grace. Jeannette Z. Hill

    • sue webb

      January 17, 2016 at 12:45 pm

      I came. across this amazing site while trying to look busy. I have always been fairly reserved, but I am emotionally frozen in that day May 21, 2015 when my beautiful baby girl left me , my husband passed Jan. 12 2015 and I have been fighting breast cancer since November of 2014. I am inthat deep dark hole and my inside are shattered. Despair and loss are all I can feel .i try hard for my other kids but I can’t. I want to lay down go to sleep and never awaken. How ever realistically it is not an option . So I suffer in silence and pretend. My daughter was 38 and died of a drug overdose lying 5feet away from me. Why did I not know ,how could I not feel her need for help?
      .

    • Jo Bean

      January 17, 2016 at 2:15 pm

      My heart goes out to all the mothers’ and dads’ who have lost a child. We lost a son and daughter over 60 years ago. The hole has never left our heart and a day has not gone by that they are not on my mind and I wonder what our lives would have been like if they lived. Somehow, after lots of time, I was able to accept what I could not change …that did not mean I no longer grieved, it just meant that I had to go on living and not let losing them destroy me, but somehow use my pain to make me a better person which would honor them..I could not live with thinking their lives and their deaths were for nothing..I look forward to seeing them again one day when I get to heaven..

    • Ed Cockey

      January 19, 2016 at 9:57 am

      We lost our lovely daughter who was 18 on september 22 2014 in a car accident. My wife and I strugle each day dealing with this horrible tragedy. Words like yours are needed to help us get through this. Thank you, Ed Cockey

    • Phil yates

      January 19, 2016 at 3:38 pm

      I lost my daughter just over two years ago , she lost control of her car and ended up in a river , she drowned aged 18 ,
      My life will never be the same again , I am destroyed , heart broken , and so so sad .
      Miss you Hannah Louise Yates . X

    • Salvatrice M. Her

      January 20, 2016 at 3:35 am

      Complex grief is horrible! Lost my Mama at 14, Papa, 20 years later! Thanksgiving week of 2007 …train hit dune buggy carrying 2 of my young grandchildren….she was 15, her brother was 9! Grandparent grief was joined by a Mother’s grief when my only son was found after 6 days, dead of heart failure, he was 46, same age as my Mama…..3 months before, my younger sister!! In between, more family and many friends….all ages…gone!! Then, 2015, my ex husband and my older sister!! I still can see & hear the kids running around our house & me son, rolling into the house in his wheelchair!! In between..so many surgeries, procedures & illnesses that are unrelenting!! Now, I face an implant in my spine to try & stop the horrendous pain caused by a fall that tore muscle tissue from bone socket in right hip!! GRIEF…..JOY……PEACE THAT ONLY JESUS CAN GIVE!! Holes in our hearts that only He can fill!! I relate to everyone’s grief shared here….my daughter shared this article with me in the midst of her grief!! I know we will all be reunited one day….in the meantime….I have learned to PRAISE THE LRD ANYWAY & listen for the Vouce of the Holy Spirit as He dictates messages from the LORD!! In between tears and pain…I write and try to self publish to help others!! Sending each of you HUGS FROM HEAVEN! Salvatrice, please write for prayers….: hisgloryrains12@gmail.com

    • Jacki

      January 23, 2016 at 10:23 pm

      I wish that I was not apart of this club. I
      lost my mother at age 16. It was difficult and painful . However that pain does not compare to the loss of a child. I’ve lost two. One in 2003 and one in 2006. I thought it would get easier but no, it doesn’t. It’s not as raw, but the deep loss is so painful. As I go through my life, no one seems to allow me to communicate my loss. If I mention one of my children, they change the subject. It’s too uncomfortable for them. I’d love to communicate with others that share this pain.

    • Susan

      January 26, 2016 at 3:41 pm

      Thank you for articulating this so beautifully. You speak for many of us who could not find the right words. Thank you <3

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    • Grandama penny

      March 4, 2016 at 1:56 pm

      This made me cry but it also made me smile because he was my 1st grandson and there was something very special about Him.I think about him every day and can’t wait to see him again in Heaven.I am so proud of your family and the love you all share.,your a lot stronger than I am. I love you all and miss you every day.

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    • luanne taylor

      May 3, 2016 at 7:38 pm

      jackie i would love to communicate with you. i am going through the same as you. everyone just changes the subject.luanne

      1. Annette Tajc

        August 4, 2016 at 7:08 pm

        This was so true and answer some of my questions. On March 20, 2016, my daughter, Amelia was in a homicide. We are still waiting for the crime to be solved. She is 35 years old and I miss her so much. Just to hear her voice………………………….

    • peter davies

      May 5, 2016 at 9:56 am

      My/our only son was born and he seemed fine until we noticed he was having a slightly difficult time climbing stairs when he was six years old. After a few consultations we were given the diagnosis and prognosis, Duchene Muscular Dystrophy and for the next 6 years we watched him dying in front of our eyes and no cure anywhere. He died aged 15, at home in bed that was 28 years ago and i am so full of grief,anger,tears even now.
      My chiropodist came today and she told me she had lost her son when he was 24 it had destroyed her as it has done me. So it was feet and tears today
      My marriage survived, after a fashion, but we will never be truely happy again
      People who have not been i a similar position think you eventually get over it, you don’t period

    • Debi Craddock

      May 8, 2016 at 10:56 pm

      Happy and Very, Very Sad Mother’s Day. Last month we lost our wonderful 21 year old son in an auto accident. I now know what the word ‘suffer’ means. I can’t imagine the pain going away and am almost relieved to read that it does’nt. It seems like less pain would deny how much we love him still. Yet, today I enjoyed the precious joy of being with my living children and grandchild. To each of you, I am truly sorry for your loss. God strengthen us each day, please, please.

    • Paul

      May 26, 2016 at 12:56 am

      I’m a member of the worst club in the world as well. 4 years and not getting any better. I feel for everyone in the club. I feel better that it is not only me that this will never end for and sorry for you at the same time

    • otobong

      July 5, 2016 at 5:57 pm

      It’s more than three month since my little boy died. From what looked like fever to death within 24 hours. Now I feel like God abandoned me. We named him victory even before he was conceived because my first boy was diagnose with ASD and later had asthmatic episodes. We hoped that he would be victorious over every sickness when born, but rather he died I am wondering if I will ever be truly happy again in this life because it feels like i have forgotten what that feels like. I need someone to talk to please.

    • Brenda O’Brien

      July 31, 2016 at 10:39 pm

      We lost our son almost 10 years ago at the age of 19,we are not suppose to outlive our kids.This article is so very true,I feel for all that suffer the loss of a child it is definately a club we belong to but never asked to join. I really wish more people understood the loss and how it is a lifelong sentence that we have to endure. God Bless those so few that try.

    • Terri Norris

      August 2, 2016 at 2:58 am

      I lost my daughter on July 25, 2012. She was 26 years old & left behind a 4 year old precious little girl! This article is so true!! Thanks so much for sharing! Changes your life FOREVER & EVER!

    • Patricia geoghegan

      August 5, 2016 at 7:09 pm

      Yes getting up in the morning my son andrew is in my head last thing at night andrew is in my head miss him in our home big bouncy lad full of cheer it’s birthdays Halloween Christmas the void of our beloved son andrew was killed coming home from college aged nineteenth 2oio and I am still watching him home to all family’s who have lossed someone precious out their pease Andrews ma ❤

    • Debbie

      August 7, 2016 at 11:53 am

      I enjoyed reading this, i have not had to go through this awful pain and pray I don’t… But I did walk along side my mom as she lost4, out of 8 children,… I will never forget the scream she let out… We tried to comfort her, but we didn’t know how… She is now with her angels, I love and miss my family…. See you one day and we will all be together again… God bless you all, to my mom and dad it’s personal , I love you all❤️✝

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    • Theresa

      August 12, 2016 at 12:36 am

      Thank you so much for sharing your story I have just lost my son this past April he would have been 25 this past May every day that goes by I miss him more the pain never seems to go away just reading your story made me cry but made me feel better to know that there are some people out there that knows how we feel.

    • Sue Evans

      August 14, 2016 at 5:21 pm

      In 1963 I lost a twin daughter she was about 8 months that hurt but in 1996I lost another daughter she just disapeared her body has never been found she was 38 another hurt she left 5 children but then in 2016 Jan.26
      at 430 in the morning my son died from cancer before we could get to the cancer center at 900 we got a call
      that my daughter was in a coma she passed away at 1030 that same day so I understand what grief is all about
      Some times it is hard to breathe but I know that Through it God never makes a Mistake

    • Sherelyn Hornick

      August 15, 2016 at 11:27 am

      We lost our 23 year old son to Cystic Fibrosis, almost 12 years ago (in October). Today, looking back at those first few days, weeks, months, and years, I wondered how we would get through this. Joy does come, although sorrow still could overtake me. I take my days, one at a time, and look at my faith in the Lord. His strength is made perfect in my weakness. May God give comfort to each who go through this. There is joy in the morning. It will come.

    • Janet Bartell

      August 16, 2016 at 1:00 pm

      I lost my precious daughter on July 3 2016, she was my best friend and the best mom to her 9 and 10 ear old daughters. She died suddenly of cardiac arrest that afternoon with no warning signs. She was running marathons and exercising so much so it was a shock. She was adored by so many people and was an accomplished photographer. She was one of six children, only 38 years old. I sometimes beg God to take me because the pain is too much but I need to be here for my granddaughters and their daddy now as well as my other children. I seem to be in denial now and then it hits me. I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone. Thank you for your story, I don;t feel so isolated

    • Maureen E Cooje

      August 17, 2016 at 11:05 am

      I lost my daughter when the ski lift at our ski resort broke and she was thrown in the air & died. That was back in 1977. Hardly a day goes by that I don’t think about her, what she would have become as an adult woman, what she would have accomplished, what her children would have looked like. We, as a family, have been robbed of this vibrant exciting kid who loved horses, skin, skating, swimming! All of it. She even looked the spitting image of me. There’s a big hole in my heart that can never grow back. Well-meaning people have said things like ” well you can always have another child”. What? I could never replace the one I lost! What did that person know anyway? Very strange things get said & it hurts even more then.
      Bereaved parents stick together & help…. Sometimes just silently but just their mere presence helps, like a crutch to lean upon.
      It’s been almost 39 years that she passes at the young tender age of 11…. And I almost asked a portrait artist to do a rendition of what she might look like now…. but I didn’t pursue that idea. I think I’d rather do it in my mind by myself! Her little sister & her Dad also still miss her & talk about her.
      I have helped form a group of people who are going through the same struggle called ” Mothers with something in common” & we try to have regular get-together a. It is so damn hard! We just have to cherish every moment we had with our child & cling to those fond & happy moments. Love conquers all!

    • Doli

      August 18, 2016 at 11:25 am

      Thank you for the messageit is too hard, people no longer want to hear about my son 3.5 years, died on July 5th 2016.

    • Sheryl Nelson

      August 18, 2016 at 2:48 pm

      It’s only been three weeks since my 16-year-old son died of a gunshot wound and I’m afraid I haven’t gotten as far as #7. But thank you for reminder that my husband and I are not alone.

    • Brenda Chain

      August 18, 2016 at 6:40 pm

      I lost my son 7 years ago. My life is changed for ever. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about him. He left behind little twin boys 5 years old. I went to see them 3 weeks ago. It was like I was looking at David ! Life will never be the same ! Without God I could not go on !!

    • Linda Smith

      August 27, 2016 at 4:02 am

      We lost our Son on Dec. 3, 2003. He was on his way to work early in the morning and his Camaro was broadsided be a large vonversion van fleeing grom the police, traveling at over 100 mph. I saw on ingold on the local mornong news. When the helicopter camera zoomed in I recognized the car and it was on his route to work. I have never been able to watch the news since. My 32 year old baby boy was gone like thst. The pain, the grief, was unbearable. Our older son lost himself in grief for awhile.. We all did. And not my husband, my son or myself will ever be the same. The hurt, emptiness, the lack of grandchildren from him. I could go on and on but we all have our stories in this club no one wants to be in.

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    • Judy Ellington

      November 1, 2016 at 11:07 pm

      I lost my Son April 15 2013 in a motorcycle accident .. My life changed complete around. Still having a hard time with it.. Read your email really helped a lot. Thank you.

    • Karla Bundy

      November 3, 2016 at 11:26 am

      A friend sent me this. On August 15, 2015 my only child age 23, was killed instantly in a single vehicle accident. 3 friends were with him and, thankfully, they survived. He was the kind of person who always said he would take a bullet for his family or friends and in my mind that is what he did. He would not have been able to live with himself if he had lived and a friend had died since he was the driver. This writing is so very very true! A club we have no choice in joining and no way of leaving! We learn to live at a completely different level. No other person, except parents and grandparents who have lost children, experiences life as we do. It’s always BEFORE and AFTER. One moment in time changes every moment that follows. I am blessed because Taylor had a daughter who turned 4 just two weeks after he died. She is the joy of my life. She has been a trouper and we talk of her daddy all the time. She believes in heaven and God and knows her daddy is with Jesus and loves her. This Christmas, 2016, he will have celebrated his 25th birthday. We will still celebrate him. Along with our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. A double blessing! My heart goes out to all who share having lost a child. The pain is real, it means we love and will always love.

    • A

      November 17, 2016 at 10:49 am

      I find it that people dont even bring up my child anymore. When it is brought up, the subject is quickly diverted. Even though i cry and have tears, i still like to talk about him. My first born son at age 19 was the victim of car vs motorcycle accident-almost 3 months ago.

      1. Pauline Tulia Giles

        December 6, 2016 at 12:37 am

        I don’t understand the way people will divert talking about our children who died. I find the same thing to be true. It’s only been 4 months and at first I had support, now they run from the subject. Feels so alone. I’m sorry for me, sorry for you, sorry for our children. There is no medicine to fix it. None.

        1. Jo

          December 12, 2016 at 11:40 pm

          My daughter died 4 1/2 months ago and I feel exactly like you do. It’s as though they just want to forget the horror of me losing a child. She died as a passenger in a single car accident. She was 32, single, never been married. 16 years ago I lost my 19 year old son in a car accident. I don’t want either of them to EVER be forgotten. They lived, and I will continue to keep their memories alive. My heart break for all of us carrying this pain~

          1. Carrol October (South Africa)

            March 29, 2017 at 4:29 am

            Hi Jo

            My heart goes out to you.
            8 months ago I lost my 14 year old son, a day after his birthday, and less than 2 months after being diagnosed with 2 brain tumours.
            Losing a child is the most awful experience any person can go through, it is different from losing a Mom, although that was soooooo sad for me as well, or losing a sibling, my heart bled when I lost my brother as well.
            But nothing equates to losing a child.
            He was so special and precious, and no, the hurt will never go away, it might get better in time, I hope, but it will never go away, until I am reunited with my baby.
            So for parents out there that have lost a child, we definitely share a grief that cannot be compared, and let no one tell you different.
            It is raw, and painful and will last for the rest of our lives.

            Praying for all of you and wishing we did not have to belong to a club like this.
            “Tears are a language God understand.

    • It never gets easier – adventuresofagrievingmother

      November 28, 2016 at 11:56 am

      […] In honor of the approaching holidays, I’d like to share this article from Still Standing Magazine. […]

    • Janet Pape

      January 3, 2017 at 6:32 pm

      Friends are what hold you together. In the last 2 years one friend and I have lost a son and of the six of us, four of us also lost our husbands. We help each other stay strong.

    • Links to begin the week – RobertKrupp.com

      January 9, 2017 at 6:22 am

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    • John Hamilton

      January 17, 2017 at 12:27 am

      Our son, Timothy Sean, died in a drowning accident when he was 2 1/2 years old on April 10, 1968;. Andrew Jerome was born and died on June 10, 1971, because of blood incompatibility issues. Time does dull the pain but it and the memories will always be there.. Our sons’ deaths caused us to evaluate our lives and we believe we are better people as a result. God took our self-centered anger and turned it into other- centered ministry.

    • gail

      January 20, 2017 at 8:20 am

      March 1 will be a year since my precious daughter wAs killed by a hit and run driver while walking after an argument with her “so called friends” .. She wanted out of the car. The accident occurred around 10pm Feb 29 but she wasn’t found until 4am by a newspaper delivery person. She was 26 and petite and it kills me to know that he just left her but stopped less than half mile to check his new truck and stopped a second time again to check his new truck. . Not only am I mad at him but also her”so called friends” my friends would never have left me alone walking home. … they would have followed me or kept on until I got back in the car. …I have an upcoming trial and I get to face the boy for the first time. ..I desperately need prayers. I don’t know how I will react…. the pain is still so unbearable. .hard to get thru a single day. I miss her so freaking much. . She was so proud thst she was about to graduate college after 8 years to become a phyciatrist. ..I was the happiest mother ever. ..I still am… jordan was my first born. …I was single but God I was so amazed and blessed to have such a sweet amazing bsby girl…. can I ask for all of u to pray for justice and give me the strength I need to get thru this. God bless each of u
      ..

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    • Gerald Phillips

      March 1, 2017 at 7:59 am

      Lost our son April 27,2016 .So hard to try and live a normal life , my thoughts always some where thinking about our son . what his life would have turned out to be . His two son’s will grow up with out a father ,but will always have his love in there heart Rest in peace our son. Like a song ( Always on my mind )

    • Kelly Muller

      March 1, 2017 at 8:17 pm

      I lost my second son to leukemia on October 28th, 2015. And 5 months later I lost my youngest son to a massive heart attack, on March 23, 2016. They were 35 and 33, respectively. My heart and life will forever and always be irretrievably altered and there is no getting any of it back. The sound of their voices, the feel of the hugs we shared, the pieces of my heart that were theirs alone….all gone. I can barely think of them without losing my composure. There are scents, songs, movies, foods, sports, certain kinds of clothes…all are triggers for memories. Some days I can smile as I take each memory out and look at it. Other days I feel like my heart will just shatter over and over again and I will die of the intense pain. I have one son remaining and he has been seriously hurt twice since his brothers left us. Both times I nearly died of fright. I hold onto my son and his family, my daughter-in-law and 3 grandchildren from my middle son and the granddaughter from my youngest with all my heart, soul and sometimes my arms. They are the only reasons I have to live on. They give me some measure of comfort on my darker days. They bring me joy when my heart forgets how to be light.

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    • Agnes Jones

      March 18, 2017 at 4:40 pm

      Losing a child is loosing part of ones life, we cry, we prey but one thing my daughter left me was wonderful grandchildren and great grandchildren, but to look in their face you can see some wonderful memories, now Molly one of my great-granddaughters is falling into her step this year she is a brownie, I remember these days clearly with my daughter. So many this I miss her smile, times we had together and often I think I should pic up a phone and tell her something that just happened, Now I have to help buy giving them apron and cooking in the kitchen, Teresa was a good cook. good with crafts and now these kids do the same things. Memories linger and part of me is empty but through the kids it helps some, Teresa I love you, Mom

    • Agnes Jones

      March 18, 2017 at 4:44 pm

      Losing a child is loosing part of ones life, we cry, we prey but one thing my daughter left me was wonderful grandchildren and great grandchildren, but to look in their face you can see some wonderful memories, now Molly one of my great-granddaughters is falling into her step this year she is a brownie, Now I have to help buy giving them apron and cooking in the kitchen, Teresa was a good cook. good with crafts and now these kids do the same things. Memories linger and part of me is empty but through the kids it helps some, Teresa I love you, Mom

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    • Robert Nderitu

      April 12, 2017 at 7:31 am

      Wherever a beautiful soul has been, there is always a trail of beautiful memories, or so somebody once said. This resonates well with every word of the writer.
      After losing two teenage daughters in college in a road accident five years ago, the grief has all along been so overwhelming, life seems hollow. the silence in what was an active chatter-house in our house makes it more agonizing, but by and by we have learnt to make believe that there is no turning back, only the love we have for them endures. I feel encouraged by the article knowing that we are not alone in this. Very inspiring indeed.

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    • Doug Leslie

      October 29, 2017 at 1:16 pm

      Beautifly written, true to the word and a testament to what bereaved feelings really are. I lost my daughter to murder November 27th 2010. LOREN was a beautiful child of 15 who was always there to help others especially those who were being bullied, she was legally blind and had a hard time seeing the things other kids could see and was at times ridiculed for having large print text books although she dealt with it very well. there is not a second in my life where LOREN is not there, she fills my heart and mind all the time. there is a website that has been on hold since the trial in 2014 there had to be a time to reflect on life without her and to reactivate a bond with her siblings. to view some of her being you can go to the website ldlfoundation.com. I would appreciate some feedback from other bereaved parents. I send my Love to you all “GRIP FAST”

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    • Jodi

      December 3, 2017 at 12:49 am

      I lost my beautiful boy (5th) child age 7 -7 weeks died from septic shock on time change march 9/14 and which we thought it was flu! Although we do have 7 children minus one and miscarriages. Only the ones that go trough it know the pain suffering! my 4 older children in their early 20’s and teens where like parents to The younger ones they are close and still so devastated by this tragic! My baby didn’t understand but now 6 seen him told me stories of him which were true it was quite amazing! My 9 year old who was 5 at the time he and Braxton where incepratable extremely close who was expecting him anytime and to jump out of the casket because he was a big boy they called him the Hulk he just waited and waited for him to bust out and say here i am! He changed lost weight was lost loved chocolate to not eating it no one was allowed to talk of Braxton unless he asked still the same 3-1/2 years later scarred to die and he never left his side at all! Braxton fought hard that night 7 hrs died 3 times 4th they called it it was the most heartbreaking sadness that you could only gasp for air because you forget to breath, and so unexpected and what we watched saw that night was like a nightmare! And not waking up! no goodbyes could be said no last pictures no time to ask God for help just trying to breath and tell him to fight. He needed to be transported to children’s hosp they would not send hallicopter cuz of weather over airport and had to wait for them to come get him and time was of essence. It killed us they gave 2 times of death and we weren’t with him his final flatline! sickens us! we had with so many unanswered questions, today as I still research it. I miss my little boy so much it kills me and if I could trade places with him I would in a heartbeat knowing I have the best husband father siblings they would not go without. But I still would not see him or the rest..(reality) but he deserved life! I was under Drs. Care for 3-1/2 year and my job of 16 years would not take me back saying I abandoned them and to stay home and watch my 2 younger ones! I’m like that’s um why I’m here I need my job! I need my money and yes 3 years is a long time To go without, and I need it for my little ones! like don’t you understand what I’m going through! Wat I saw! All i can say is they are a billion dollar industry all around the world everyone eats there and their supposed to be there for children families and family oriented ect. But it comes down to business n money because I never even got a call from 3 of my managers nothing! That was a hard step for me to walk in that place when to me my world fell apart! And treated me like trash! If they only knew that feeling what it’s like to loose a child!!!! Braxton mommy, daddy and everyone loves you sweetie! sending u hugs n kisses all the way as always!! Xoxo

    • REBECCA MILES

      December 16, 2017 at 2:16 am

      At last my happiness and joy has been restored through this email drokojiespellhome6@gmail. com as my husband who left me for another girl has finally come back good and still lovely to me , i want to use this time to give thanks to Dr Okojie who has use his love spell and prayers to bring back my ex lover and also share little about my rough story between me and my husband and the other girls , i got married to the man i love Sanchez June 23 2013 and we have been together ever since and we have lived happily, we both have a daughter , but this year 2017 when he traveled to new York on a business, things changed even when he was away he never called to say hi to me and my daughter and this was unlikely of him, because he loves our daughter to sky , so i began to suspect something wasn’t right, but i waited for him to return to me in Canada, so i know what the problems was, only for Sanchez to come back asking for divorce, at first i thought he was joking , but with time i saw he was so serious on this, i tried to plead with him but nothing changed , i called my mom telling her about the situation and she said i should pray about it , i was depressed and devastated on this issues and was praying and looking for help to stop the divorce and save my marriage, i seeked help with many persons non could help , i continue with the search of help because i knew and have the feelings my man was not on his right senses because i know the man i married can never ask me for a divorce, so i kept on looking for solutions i spent almost all my savings seeking solution , until Juliana a colleague told me about Dr Okojie of drokojiespellhome6@gmail. com, i never wanted to email him because many has taken money from me without giving me any good results, but when he gave her words about Dr Okojie i decided to give it a trial , contacted him and told him about myself , he told me that he will have me to make my husband stop the divorce and reunite us again , that he gave me three days after which everything will be back to it normal place for good , i did some few things he said i should do as instructed , and let him do his work i was at work on the 15th of July about 10 AM when i received letter from my husband that my husband has cancelled the divorce case and same day at about 12 noon my husband wrote me a sweet text , and this was how me and my husband came back and today we are better as one family , so i want to use this means to tell you all. contact Dr Okojie for any kind of relationship or marriage problems and i let him solve it for you just as he has done for me. you can also contact him if you are unable to bear children!. , his contacts Email; drokojiespellhome6@gmail. com

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