By Still Standing Contributor Angela Miller of A Bed For My Heart
Child loss is a loss like no other. One often misunderstood by many.
If you love a bereaved parent or know someone who does, remember that even his or her “good” days are harder than you could ever imagine.
Compassion and love, not advice, are what’s needed.
If you’d like an inside look into why the loss of a child is a grief that lasts a lifetime, here is what I’ve learned in my seven years of trekking through the unimaginable.
1). Love never dies.
There will never come a day, hour, minute or second I stop loving or thinking about my son.
Just as parents of living children unconditionally love their children always and forever, so do bereaved parents.
I want to say and hear his name just the same as non-bereaved parents do.
I want to speak about my deceased child as normally and naturally as you talk about your living ones.
I love my child just as much as you love yours– the only difference is mine lives in heaven and talking about him is unfortunately quite taboo in our culture.
I hope to change that.
Our culture isn’t so great about hearing about children gone too soon, but that doesn’t stop me from saying my son’s name and sharing his love and light everywhere I go.
Just because it might make you uncomfortable, doesn’t make him matter any less.
My son’s life was cut irreversibly short, but his love lives on forever.
And ever.
2). Bereaved parents share an unspeakable bond.
In my seven years of navigating the world as a bereaved parent, I am continually struck by the power of the bond between bereaved parents.
Strangers become kindreds in mere seconds– a look, a glance, a knowing of the heart connects us, even if we’ve never met before.
No matter our circumstances, who we are, or how different we are, there is no greater bond than the connection between parents who understand the agony of enduring the death of a child.
It’s a pain we suffer for a lifetime, and unfortunately, only those who have walked the path of child loss understand the depth and breadth of both the pain and the love we carry.
3). I will grieve for a lifetime.
Period. The end.
There is no “moving on,” or “getting over it.”
There is no bow, no fix, no solution to my heartache.
There is no end to the ways I will grieve and for how long I will grieve.
There is no glue for my broken heart, no exilir for my pain, no going back in time.
For as long as I breathe, I will grieve and ache and love my son with all my heart and soul.
There will never come a time when I don’t think about who my son would be, what he would look like, and how he would be woven perfectly into the tapestry of my family.
I wish people could understand that grief lasts forever because love endures forever; that the loss of a child is not one finite event, it is a continuous loss that unfolds minute by minute throughout a lifetime.
Every missed birthday, holiday, a milestone; should-be back-to-school years and graduations; weddings that will never be, grandchildren that should have been but will never be born– an entire generation of people are irrevocably altered forever.
This is why grief lasts forever.
The ripple effect lasts indefinitely.
The bleeding never stops.
4). It’s a club I can never leave but is full of the most shining souls I’ve ever known.
This crappy club called child loss is a club I never wanted to join, and one I can never leave, yet is filled with some of the best people I’ve ever known.
And yet we all wish we could jump ship– that we could have met another way– any other way but this.
Alas, these shining souls are the most beautiful, compassionate, grounded, loving, movers, shakers and healers I have ever had the honor of knowing.
They are life-changers, game-changers, relentless survivors, and thrivers — warrior moms and dads who redefine the word brave.
Every day loss parents move mountains in honor of their children gone too soon. They start movements, change laws, spearhead crusades of tireless activism.
Why? In the hope that even just one parent could be spared from joining the club.
If you’ve ever wondered who some of the most significant world changers are, hang out with a few bereaved parents and watch how they live, see what they do in a day, a week, a lifetime.
Watch how they alchemize their grief into a force to be reckoned with, watch how they turn tragedy into transformation, loss into a legacy.
Love is the most powerful force on earth, and the love between a bereaved parent and his/her child is a lifeforce to behold.
Get to know a bereaved parent.
You’ll be thankful you did.
5). The empty chair/room/space never becomes less empty.
Empty chair, empty room, space in every family picture.
Empty, vacant, forever gone.
Empty spaces that should be full, everywhere we go.
There is and will always be a missing space in our lives, our families, a forever-hole-in-our-hearts.
Time does not make the area less empty.
Neither do platitudes, clichés or well-wishes for us to “move on,” or “stop dwelling,” from well-intentioned friends or family.
Nothing does.
No matter how you look at it, empty is still empty. Missing is still missing.
The problem is nothing can fill it.
Minute after minute, hour after hour, day after day, month after month, year after heartbreaking year space remains.
No matter how much time has passed.
The space of our missing child(ren) lasts a lifetime.
And so we rightfully miss them forever.
Help us by holding the scope of that truth for us.
6). No matter how long it’s been, holidays never become easier without my son.
Never, ever.
Have you ever wondered why every holiday season is like torture for a bereaved parent? Even if it’s been 5, 10, or 25 years later?
It’s because they really, indeed are horrific. Imagine if you had to live every holiday without one or more of your precious children.
Imagine how that might feel for you.
It would be easier to lose an arm, a leg or two– anything— than to live without your flesh and blood, without the beat of your heart.
Almost anything would be easier than living without one or more of your precious children.
That is why holidays are always and forever hard for bereaved parents.
Don’t wonder why or even try to understand.
Know you don’t have to understand to be a supportive presence.
Consider supporting and loving some bereaved parents this holiday season. It will be the best gift you could ever give them.
7). Because I know deep sorrow, I also know unspeakable joy.
Though I will grieve the death of my son forever and then some, it does not mean my life is lacking happiness and joy.
Quite the contrary. It is not either/or; it’s both/and.
Grief and joy can and do coexist.
My life is more precious now. I live from a deeper place.
I love deeper still. Because I grieve, I also know joy like no other.
The joy I experience now is far more profound and more intense than the joy I experienced before my loss.
Such is the alchemy of grief.
Because I’ve clawed my way from the depths of unimaginable pain, suffering, and sorrow, again and again– when the joy comes, however, and whenever it does– it is a joy that reverberates through every pore of my skin and every bone in my body.
I feel all of it, deeply.
I embrace and thank every blessed morsel of it.
My life now is more rich and vibrant and full, not despite my loss, but because of it.
In grief, there are gifts, sometimes many. These gifts don’t in any way make it all “worth” it, but I am grateful beyond words for every gift that comes my way.
I bow my head to each one and say thank you, thank you, thank you.
Because there is nothing– and I mean absolutely nothing– I take for granted.
Living life in this way gives me greater joy than I’ve ever known possible.
I have my son to thank for that.
Being his mom is the best gift I’ve ever been given.
Even death can’t take that away.
These are beautiful words that spoke to my soul on the first month day of giving our son back to Jesus.
this is Penelope just never go to bed angry or finish your phone call amiable . Pray everyday for his safety and happiness❤️
So true every word of it… so painfully true… Life is really like that after a child loss. No escape no way out no ending, it is in every breath and every moment we live till the grave.
I lost my 22 year old son Justin in June 2014. He was an expectant father, of a beautiful baby girl he never for to meet. It was a single car accident. Last Christmas was really hard for me beauss it was the first. I don’t even care to put up a tree now. I wish I could go away until the season is over with. this past Mother’s Day was a nightmare for me. I have 2 other children, but the loss is just too big to overcome. I am counting my days till I see my sweet son again.
I felt the same way for about 4 years and slowly felt like I was coming back to life. My friends and family never gave up on me. To love so passionately means you have the capacity to love those who are trying to pick up your broken pieces. Let them … love them … keep breathing because that’s all they need from you. After 4 years I put up a tree with all its memories. I wept and wept but as I looked at the memories on that tree I smiled sometimes and I pray this year will be easier but no less emotional because I will never forget the one I loved most in this life.
My daughter passed in a single car accident in Dec 1994 at 16 The only thing that helps me through every holiday is making her a part of them. At Christmas we still hang a stocking and I put $200.00 in and invite her brothers and sisters to put in the amount they would have spent on her gift. The money adds up until i hear a story or I’m told of a situation where that money would help then I put it in an envelope and sign “From an angel” and drop it off. For her birthday I still make a cake, get balloons and invite family over. We all blow out the candles and look at photo albums or pictures or her and tell our favorite stories with her. It helps my grief to keep her memory alive and to know that the new family members added since her death know her and understand that she will always be a part of our family. I know she smiles and is proud of what I am doing.
That is an awesome unselfish way to show your love and compassion for other people going through difficult times. Thank you & blessings!
I can only hope to be able to honor my son like this , he was killed Nov 5 2015, and the expense is harsh and we went the cheapest we could 🙁 and they are only giving us 2 weeks to pay the remaining balance and it’s causing more stress and heartache so I’d like to find a way to help parents like this someday, because it’s horrible I can barely breathe and now I have a huge expense to cover and I get to say Goodbye to my son after 20 years with him this is all to much!
Wonderful to hear. That is a great idea. Just know that they will never be forgotten because they live on in our hearts and all the lives that they touched.
What a wonderful soul u a, God bless you always, I belong to this club too
Thank you for sharing I love your Angel gift n keeping the memories alive.
I just lost my sweet 22 yr old Son at the end of May to a single car crash on his way to work somehow was distracted and crashed over the cliff into the Ocean. Gods Grace comfort n Strength help me. It is the most heart renching shattering pain. My Son lived with me while he was working as an Electricians apprentice. Keeping his memory alive n writing down memories is helpful I want to bind them all up along with the 51 day Heart breaking journey we were on looking for my baby, because we didn’t know of the crash n there was no reckage on the cliff which is so hard to understand, however after about 40 days his AAA card washed up on the beach then a group of his fathers diving friends located his tire a gas tank n part of his car bumper, they were only able to retrieve his tire n the next day 51, the detective made confirmation thru the tire store receipt n the fits n or #s on my Sons Tire. Not the outcome I expected. My world crashed. I barely function st home but by God’s Grace he does my Job, all Glory to God, baby steps n a life long journey. Thank you for your coping as I want to do your gifting idea. God Bless us all. I have my older 26 yr old Son but our lives have changed forever finding that New life is .
Dawn- what an amazing parallel- my daughter, also 16, died in a one-car accident, just a month ago. I have a 20-second video from our Ring doorbell, when she came home one day just 2 months before her death, rang the doorbell, danced and did a silly laugh–it was so typically her, and it is my absolute treasure. I stopped feeling bad about playing it, sometimes 2-3 times a day, because it brings me a smile every time.
Dear Stacie, I feel your pain believe me I loss my son 16 years ago due to an accident also , things are never the same now as much as you try to bring the complete happiness of holidays , weddings, mother,fathers day it will never return! What should have been should still be but never will my deepest thoughts and understandings go your way God Bless you , your husband and remaining children , we will see our son’s in life after and hug and love again !
Stacie dear, I feel the same way. Today marks the 8th year of the worse day in my life! My son died suddenly and tragically 2 weeks before Mother’s Day and his 39th birthday. This time of year is always hard for me as well as holidays. I do have another son, daughter-in-law and 2 great grandsons who I live for. BUT, no one ever talks about Lee. I’m the only one who ever says his name when bringing up a memory of the past. The hole in my heart for him is so big and will always be there. Everything and everyday I am reminded of him even if I’ve been distracted for awhile. I have many pictures out of Lee that comforts me. I will never put them away! I hope we will see each other again when it’s my time… Hugs to you and everyone who knows the pain from loss of our beloved children.