This post was originally published on Still Standing by
Grieving the loss of a child is a grief that is unique. It is a loss that is still largely considered taboo.
When someone experiences the tragic loss of losing a child, there are very few societal norms that can guide family and friends when their loved one finds themselves in the path of an unfathomable loss.
I lost my daughter a year and a half ago, and I still consider my grief to be very new.
But it surprises me every time I meet up with a friend or see family and their reactions to my pain.
Here, I’ve compiled the six things I wish people understood about grieving the loss of a child:
1: Grief and Love are the same.
Please don’t think that because I am still grieving for my child even after all this time that there is something wrong with me, or that I need to get over it.
I grieve deeply for the loss of my child because I also love her deeply.
Love never dies, therefore neither will grief.
2: I will never get over it.
I may look like I finally got my life back together, I may have even gone on to have more children or embarked on a new career, but my child and the trauma of losing her is always one step behind.
My tears may have dried, and I can probably utter my child’s name without breaking apart –
But please know that I will never, ever get over the fact that she is gone.
Related Post: Why “Get Over It” and “Move On” Don’t Apply to Babyloss
3: Silence is deafening.
I know it must be very difficult and confusing to know what to say to someone who has lost a child.
I know how uncomfortable and unfathomable it must be to you, but please know that wrongly worded sentiments are easier to forgive than your silence.
My world has forever been shattered, a simple “I’m sorry” will do.
4: My child is irreplaceable.
It doesn’t matter when my loss may have occurred, whether it was an early miscarriage, or if I had the chance to spend a few moments with my child before she died.
Babies are not interchangeable and any subsequent child born after is not a replacement.
5: I’ll always live in a parallel universe.
No matter how much time has gone by, when an important holiday or occasion occurs, my mind is going to retreat into another universe where my child would have been present.
I will calculate how old they would be and how they would look.
This whole entire universe is something I hold on my own.
So if you find me retreating inward during a significant day, please know that I am in that place that I share uniquely with my child and my imagination.
It’s just how things are always going to be.
Related Post: A Grief Like No Other
6: I am forever changed.
The day my child died is the same day a big part of me died too. I won’t go back to being my usual innocent and carefree self again.
It will take time for me to find myself, and return back home.
But when I’ve figured out a way to put together all the broken pieces, I won’t look the same.
Please understand that.
If you have experienced the loss of a child or pregnancy, what do you wish other people would understand about it?
Donna Markham says
I would like people to know that it’s alright to talk about my daughter. We lost her six and a half years ago to suicide. It seems that left some sort of stigma and people look uncomfortable when I bring her up in conversation. She had a disease, it’s called depression, and like other diseases it consumed her body and soul . But I remember the happy, always smiling daughter that was my best friend, the one that dragged me shopping and to the movies. I will never ever forget her and I don’t want others to forget her either. Forever 23 my baby will be!
Connie Wegner says
I lost my first grandchild a baby girl at 27 days old. My son was her father. 7 years later I lost my son to suicide. People do not know what to say when you’ve had horrific losses, sometimes that hurts as bad as the “get over it” crap. They don’t call or visit, because they don’t know what to say. The isolation this creates intensifies the grief that I carry forever!!
Connie Wegner says
I lost my first grandchild a baby girl at 27 days old to SIDS. My son was her father. 7 years later I lost my son to suicide. People do not know what to say when you’ve had horrific losses, sometimes that hurts as bad as the “get over it” crap. They don’t call or visit, because they don’t know what to say. The isolation this creates intensifies the grief that I carry forever!!