Post by Still Standing Contributor Loni Huston-Eizenga
It’s been two years, seven months and 15 days since my daughter died. By societal standards, I should be completely healed and moved on. I should mainly think of her on her birthday.
That is the day I am allowed to dwell and be sad. By the morning of the next day, I must dust myself off and get back to life.
This is not reality.
Thoughts of my daughter are ever-present. Yes, almost three years later.
I’m as devastated as ever.
This is not by a lack of effort to heal on my part. I’ve read books on healing and working through grief. I have and continue to see, my therapist.
I participate heavily in charities that aid other bereaved families.
I meditate frequently.
I write to purge the thoughts and fears in my mind.
I’ve done it all.
Somehow I’m still destroyed.
I still have flashbacks of the moment I realized she died. Certain things can trigger me, and I will see her lifeless body in my mind. I could be walking through the grocery store and suddenly the thought ‘your daughter died’ surges to the forefront of my mind.
Related: Living in a Swamp: PTSD After Baby Loss
It’s a knife to my heart.
At that moment I am crippled. I close my eyes tight to squeeze back the tears, smooth out the grimace on my face. Return my gaze to the apple in my hand and continue my shopping.
I can cry in the car.
This still happens almost three years later.
I frequently find myself in a state of irritation. I’m agitated, simmering on a low boil. I look forward to moments I feel content, moments I feel more like myself.
I want to be that person more often. I long for that peace.
But there is still anger in me that I cannot seem to tap. Things that wouldn’t normally irk me do. People that don’t usually annoy me are like nails on a chalkboard.
It’s as if my subconscious is looking for ways to get out this anger, anyway it can.
How can they not always see how unfair it is that my baby died?
This still happens almost three years later.
The irony is that I have an appreciation for my life that many others don’t. I have such love for my family and friends that I could burst.
I value each breath that I take and find overwhelming moments of joy in my life.
Related: Grief Defined Me; Until It Didn’t
But I’m still also sad. I’m still angry.
I still miss my baby girl almost three years later.
Grief and PTSD are no joke. They may be invisible to the world around us, but to those with it, it’s incredibly debilitating. Light needs to shine on the struggles of bereaved parents.
There are a lot of us.
I feel that the more we learn, the more we can support each other. Outside of the loss community, I receive so little support from the majority of people around me.
It’s an uphill battle, but I’m still climbing.
Grief may transform and vary in intensity, but it remains.
Grief is like love – it’s for life.
——-
Photo by Cristian Newman on Unsplash
Jean Ecker says
I understand it all in my brain. My heart not so much. Our son committed suicide at age 25 in 2011. He was struggling with mental illness but no one knew how much. All grief is different but i also think all grief lasts just like love. Society doesn’t want to think death can happen to them or their family. Stay strong for the rest of your family and we will all pray for each other. Thank you for publicly posting your heart.
Julie says
Thank you. Thank you for this. Thank you do saying everything I feel and live with each day. 3.5 years later, and the grief is no quieter, no less. Lost our son at 6 months old to SIDS. No greater pain.
Stephen says
I understand every word you have written as if they were my own… I lost my daughter who was 20 years old 8 years ago next month…. but it is as if it was yesterday… she is my first thought in the morning and my last every night. I have been told that time is my friend and that with each day it will get easier… There is of course truth in that but also so very much false hope…
Is their great joy still in my life certainly… I have people who I love and who love me but the grief I feel hangs over and impacts all of that… I am not as good a Dad or Husband or Friend as I was… I am moody… difficult and distracted by my own self absorbed grief that fills me regardless of what I try to do. In the last 8 years I have made so many bad decisions just trying to distract myself from the pain I feel… I have let down pretty mush everyone I know… I see myself doing it but just can’t seem to get my life right… I don’t sleep and am an emotional wreck.
Do I have more good days now yep… but the bad days now just seem worse….it is a very very lonely place to be in your life so while I am so so so sorry that you feel the way you do it was good for me personally today to know that I am not alone or crazy… thank you
Annmarie says
I needed this to help me know its Ok tp “Feel” what i do as this is the beggining of my journey its only been 5m i go to my therapy but i know it isnt enough… i need a Supprt group for homicide victim survivors of kids for parents ..she was only 19 and as much as i tried to get the help of proffesionals for her prior to her death they failed her by brushing her services off and YESim angry but sooooooooooo sad and LOST …if you know of a support group please tell me .. i live in Lynn,Massachusettes and cant find anything i desperatly need help as i constantly try to distract myself from the feelings yet wear her clothes and constantly look at her pictures.. Thankyou Love and Respect from one Grieving Mother to Another