You’ll Never Know
I’m not sure you’ll ever really know…
How it wasn’t you that I dreamed about or considered the most amazing miracle in my life.
At least, not the first one.
I’m not sure you’ll ever really know what joy you bring to my heart,
Simply because you live.
You are larger than life!
I’m not sure you’ll ever really know what that does for my soul.
How you are a balm my heart ached for and my mind did not believe could exist.
I’m not sure you’ll ever really know because I am not sure how to explain to you…
How your your brother’s life made our family complete before he was even born.
How your brother’s death shattered our worlds and changed us.
Aged us beyond our recognition.
I don’t know how to tell you that if he’d lived, you probably wouldn’t have…
Not easy for me to reconcile, nor easy to explain.
And though you may never know the depths of my love for him…for them…
I know you will know that you have my entire and whole heart.
I will spend every second of my life letting you know.
You, my sweet and precious redemption…
You are enough.
Because your brothers lived…and died…you will know every second of every day that you are loved.
The blessing I begged God for, and the answer to my most fervent prayers.
You’ll never know what deep, dark places my heart has been…and where it still goes sometimes….
Because it is impossible to be anything but grateful and filled with joy in your presence.
Their deaths make your life so much more precious to me.
You’ll never know anything but that my heart beats for yours.
And my cup runneth over.
**This was originally published in Still Standing…Because They Lived, available here.