I Quit

To Whom It May Concern,

This letter is to inform you of my decision to quit this club called “Babyloss”. I’m fed up and I can’t take it anymore! I don’t want to be a part of this club for even one moment longer. If I’m being completely honest, I never once wanted to be a part of this horrible group: the people who live every day with broken hearts and lives that feel meaningless. I’ve decided I can’t live one second more without my son, without my hopes and dreams, without my sense of security, without my joy and peace. I don’t want to be brokenhearted anymore. I’m done. 

I don’t want to hear even one more story about a loved and wanted little baby who was stolen away by the injustice of death, or see one more photo of a gorgeous little person who will be forever missing from his or her mother’s arms. I don’t want to hear the news of even one more person being forced to join this nightmarish club, this life of existing without a piece of your heart. It’s not okay anymore. It never was.

When I decided to become pregnant, I was choosing a life of diapers, sleepless nights, love, and cuddles. I was choosing a lifetime of terrible twos, potty training, loose teeth, first days of school, holiday pageants, driver’s tests, proms, weddings, and grandchildren. I was planning a lifetime of parenting. I had planned to join the group of mothers who have the luxury of complaining about how “hard” it is to be a mother to a fussy-sleepless-teething-messy-bundle of joy and love. I was planning to swap birth stories, and cloth diapering suggestions, and DIY baby food recipes. That’s what I signed up for. How is it then, that I ended up in the group of broken mothers who share ideas for creating a beautiful memorial service for her own precious child (unthinkable, I know), drying up milk that will never feed our babies, and facing a world that refuses to accept the perfectly normal reactions to grief? I’m not okay with it. 

So, that’s it. I’m done. I’ve done my best to find a way to live life like this but to what end? Nothing ever changes because he’s always missing. I’m standing up and saying NO MORE!

Cancel my membership, effective immediately. I want my hopes, my dreams, my joy, my sanity, my beliefs, and my innocence returned to me immediately. And – most importantly – above all else, I want my loved, wanted, and beautiful son returned to me without even a moment passing. 

I don’t want this to be my life, and I’m not doing this for even one second more.

Sincerely,

An empty-armed mother who knows it’s never going to happen.