Written by Still Standing Contributor Lindsey Henke of Still Breathing and PALS.
Do you have a friend whose baby died? Maybe she took a healthy baby home and months later her son died tragically of SIDS.
Or maybe he never got to meet his baby awake outside of the womb because his daughter was stillborn.
Maybe you have a friend who suffered a miscarriage more than once – but once is enough pain to endure.
Maybe you have a friend whose toddler, school-age, or teenager tragically died.
If you do know someone who has been shaken to their core by the loss of their child, no matter what age, please take a moment and honor your friend and her or his child by remembering them.
Right now you might be saying to yourself, “I have a bereaved parent friend and I want to help honor their child’s memory, but I just don’t know what to do.”
As a bereaved mom whose child died years ago, I have come up with some ideas I would love if a friend did for me.
I am sharing them with you in hopes that you will reach out to your bereaved parent friend and let them know that you are thinking of them and always remembering their precious child.
1. Say their child’s name.
When you grab that cup of coffee with your bereaved parent friend or you pass them at work, take a moment and say their child’s name in your conversations.
It doesn’t have to be formal – maybe just in passing. Bring their child’s name up if it seems appropriate.
For example, if you are at their house and see a picture of your friend and their child make note of it and say, “I love that picture of you and Susie.”
2. Light a candle for them.
October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day (I like to include ALL children no matter what their age) and is recognized around the world and you are invited to participate.
The remembrance ceremony can take place in your own home. It’s that easy.
All you have to do is light a candle at 7 p.m. your local time and leave it burning for an hour.
You can do this on birthdays, and anniversaries – snap a picture and send it to your friend to let them know you’re remembering with them.
3. Send a card.
You know that section in the store where the cards are that say, “Thinking of You” – that would be a perfect sentiment to send to let them know that you remember their child.
I’m sure it would brighten their day.
As a bereaved mom, every card I still receive from family and friends that acknowledges my child and my pain as a grieving mother is almost like a hug in the mail from my daughter.
I see it as my little girl working through you to get to me. Maybe your friend will feel the same way, and that is powerful stuff.
4. Call up your friend.
Say, “I wanted to let you know I’ve been thinking of you and wanted to tell you about how I think of your child often.”
You could also go on to ask if there was anything they might need from you or like for you to do with them in remembrance.
5. Do a RAOK (Random Act of Kindness) in their child’s name.
What better way to show that your friend’s child’s life has impacted others than by continuing to do things in his/her name?
The MISS Foundation started The Kindness Project and this idea of remembering our children through random acts of love.
So this October, do an RAOK. Maybe buy a cup of coffee for the guy in line behind you with a note that it’s in remembrance of your friend’s baby who died.
Be creative. The possibilities are endless and you will do it all in your friend’s child’s name.
Don’t forget to let your friend know. It might just bring tears of joy to their eyes.
6. Participate in a Remembrance Walk with them.
There are so many out there, especially during October. As a bereaved mom, I find remembrance walks to be powerful experiences.
It’s just so moving when your family and friends come out to support you and honor the child that you are missing.
Want To Support A Bereaved Mother? Do This
I know this might sound weird to the non-bereaved parent, but for those few hours, during that one time of year, when my feet pound that 5k course, I get to really “be” my child’s mom that day.
People acknowledge me as “Nora’s Mom” and I get to publicly parent her in ways I never will get to in life.
7. Stop in for a visit and spend time with your friend.
Don’t forget to mention why you are there. Maybe bring over some baked goods or a meal to share.
We bring over food in the early days of grief and mourning after a loved one dies, I think a nice batch of cookies would be just as helpful years down the road too.
8. Invite your friend to a remembrance service or ask if you can go with him or her to one they might be attending.
See if there is a remembrance ceremony being held in your neighborhood and ask your friend if they would like to come along.
It would be a wonderful gesture and if you are uncomfortable bringing up the topic of their child that died it’s a nice way of segueing into the conversation.
9. Send an, “I remember with you” note through e-mail or as a Facebook status.
Want to acknowledge your friend’s child but don’t know how to say it? Then send an e-mail, private message, or leave a note on their Facebook wall.
Better yet, post something on their Facebook or yours publicly saying, “I remember your child with you.”
10. Donate an item to a child in need and in the name of the child who died.
Something that bereaved parents often do around the holidays, their child’s birthday or the anniversary of their child’s death is to donate a gift in their child’s name to a child in need that is around the same age their child would have been or was when they died.
It’s a nice way to give back to others who need a helping hand while also remembering the child who is no longer with us.
Maybe you could do this as a special gesture this month as a way to honor your friend’s child. It just might make them smile.
Whatever you end up deciding to do in honor of your friend’s child who died, remember even though it may seem like a small gesture to you, it just might mean the world to your friend.
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Photo by Rosie Fraser on Unsplash
My baby was actually born on October 15 2014 and she died October 21 2014 I wear my pink and blue ribbon in her honor this month Gabrielle MyLisa Ann Young I’ll love you for a lifetime rest easy My Love
Thank you so much for this. My best friend just lost her child a month ago. I want to be there for her now and forever and this info is so helpful. I have a question for you. I guess i wonder how much is too much caring. This has been so hard for me, i think about her every day and it hurts to think how much pain she is in. And all i want to do is send her some type of love every day. I realize i probably shouldn’t do that, so i have been trying to do a weekly contact. What would be your advice? What is appropriate?
in response to Ashley. my best friend of 30 years just lost her daughter oct 14 a month and a half before her 16th birthday. I know exactly what your feeling right now, everyday I think of them 2 and every day i cry for my friend. my heart hurts so bad for her and I just want to as you would say send her love every day. I also know I cant. and she doesn’t want me there 24 /7 I don’t blame her. I was going every other day then once a week and now I go when she calls me. she knows ill drop whatever and be there whenever. but she has a very large support team I’m like one of over 10 women that do this. im so sorry for your loss. I hope you and your friend find the peace your searching for.. god bless.
I am trying to think of ideas to do annually in remembrance of my son Caeden which I lost when I was six months pregnant. He survived for about an hour and we miss him terribly. He is my only son. We have not been able to conceive again as of yet. We would like to do something to say add to every year too or etc. Any ideas would be appreciated. Thank you!
Thank you for sharing this.nmy daughter passed away on September 14th of last year. I work with a wonderful group of people, but, often find them struggling to be around me or actually being able to say anything when I’m sad or I bring up her name. The saddest part for me is that I have a best friend in Florida that lost her son July of 2017 and I would call her but struggled to say anything. Now, I realize what she was going through and how she felt when people would avoid her son’s name. It’s just so lonely when all I do most of the day is think of my daughter and wish I could talk about everyday all the time.