Five Years Of Grief

September 25, 2014

Five years. 5 years. F.I.V.E. years ago, on September 25th we said goodbye.

Half a decade of my life, learning to live- and I mean REALLY live, this side of loss.

Can I be honest? I am so tired of grief. I mean, tiiiired.

Not my own grief; my grief is my partner, my voice, my joy, my daughters….

But grief,  GRIEF – the topic, the imagery, the word itself – it feels like the last five years have built a shrine of sorts around the grief.

It didn’t used to feel this way. My journey to find my Muchness – to build a tribe of people ready to re-find their Muchness- wasn’t about grief, per sé, it was about the turning point that we all hit, at some point in our lives, to reconnect to our light, our character, our passions. For me, that turning point was finding myself at the depths of my grief.

And then, the journey to light began. Exploring new potentials for myself, busting out of comfort zones, wearing sparkly clothing and inspiring others to find their light! It was amazing and it lifted me up higher than anything I’d ever known- watching women reconnect to themselves… loving them back to who they were when they loved themselves.

I found a passion, a purpose- MY Purpose- and my daughters’ reasons for being.

But somewhere along the line, sometime in this past year or two, it got so heavy. A burden to stay connected to grief because women in grief were those I understood.

Always having to keep one foot in the puddle of grief.

Always seeing the grief in my actions, in my newsfeed.

Grief, grief, grief, all around me all the time, even subtly in the midst of my joy— always there, like an albatross around my neck.

I remember when I didn’t even know what the word “grief” meant, and now I run a 10 week course (which I love) that helps loss moms work through their grief and re-find their Muchness after loss.

I share this because I’ve struggled to write here for the last few months. But I’ve wanted to. Struggled to feed that grief monster enough to write something of meaning to others. On the eve of my twin daughters’ still birth, I want to write. On the first night of the Jewish New Year, marking the transition from last year into the possibilities and potential for a new year filled with light and beauty, I want to.

I want to write. And I want you to know there is no reward for grief. We all have it. We own it, it will be with us always, and it, in its own way, is a tremendous gift. But if you are holding onto yours, clutching it close to your heart because you’ve come to know it as your connection to your baby, your reminder that she’s still with you, please know, your grief is not your connection. Your love is.

If you are tired of holding the grief but are scared to put it down and walk away from it, even a tiny step, even for a minute, worried that would be like walking away from your memories of your child, please know that is not true.

If you feel afraid to move forward with your life, because it feels like you’d be “leaving your child behind,” please know you are not. In fact, it is your child, standing behind you pushing you into your light, your joy, your purpose. That is why they were here, and it is what they want from you- to live fully, joyfully, On Purpose.

I miss my daughters like hell. This was not an easy summer, figuring out how my life is supposed to look, feel, be in these years post-loss, as I walk the earth a woman I never knew I was destined to be.

But tonight, as I think about my girls, I am at peace, knowing that when I invite my joy and beauty, talent, creativity, purpose, love and light into my world, I am doing my utmost to honor and remember them is the way they deserve to be honored and remembered.

It would be incredibly meaningful if you’d read a bit of their story from the pregnancy journal I kept during their short lives, on this day, the 5 year anniversary of their still birth. From it I hope you find inspiration and light to know you can make it through, you can thrive, you can shine in your life post loss, even if you feel like all you walk through today are shadows. <3

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  • Tova

    Tova Gold is a mother to 4 daughters, 2 living and 2, identical twin angels, stolen by TTTS. She is is the founder of www.FindingMyMuchness.com, a community website dedicated to helping women re-find their joy and Muchness after grief or trauma. Her empowering Muchness Bands are a physical reminder of joy and strength inside all of us, with proceeds going to baby loss support and other worthy charities.

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