There are widely varying reports on divorce rates after the death of a child. Some I have seen report divorce rates are as high as 80%; others as low as 16%. I’m not sure if there has ever been a truly great study on the subject. I have been a part of the bereaved parent club for a little over five years and I have seen numerous couples divorce. Some right away; others years after the death of their child.
I’ll never forget the day one my unborn twin sons was diagnosed with a congenital diaphragmatic hernia when I was only 21 weeks pregnant. We were very lucky to have an incredibly empathetic doctor take both my husband and my hands and look us in the eye and say, “Today, right now you need to choose to get through whatever happens to your son together. Because it will either tear you apart or make your relationship stronger.”
That night my husband and I held each other and cried and feared the future. Our son was given a 50% chance of survival. We talked about what that kind doctor said to us and we decided right then and there no matter what we’d get through it together and stronger.
The next several months we prayed and begged God to spare our son and give him a chance at life. When our twins were born we saw one son leave the hospital perfectly healthy a few days after I delivered them. Our other son spent his entire life in the NICU and endured multiple surgeries and procedures. The day after I turned 25 the only option left was to take him off of life support and let him pass away in my arms.
Honestly, the next few days I don’t even remember. My next memory of the week after he died is his funeral. My sisters were guarding me with their lives and not leaving my side. (And who could blame them, really? They were being amazing sisters by never leaving my side.) My husband pulled me aside before the funeral started and asked me why I wasn’t by his side. I was so numb I didn’t even realize I was essentially leaving him alone as our son’s funeral was about to start. It was that moment I realized was the beginning of Choosing Us.
It would have been very easy to drift apart and end up divorced. We were on different planets regarding our grief. I had completely fallen apart and was barely able to function. I remember one weekend I didn’t get out of bed. My husband brought our surviving twin son to me every three hours to breastfeed him. He was trying so hard to keep us together and be the strong one I didn’t give him an opportunity to grieve. By the time I was starting to come out of the fog he was given the first opportunity to grieve. We followed all of the typical men vs. women stereotypes. I grieved first, he second. When our daughter was born 2 ½ years later I found myself in a really good place. I had finally been able to see what a newborn baby experience should be, and was so happy and in love with our daughter. He had finally been able to see me in a good place and so he let his guard down and started to grieve himself.
We never followed the same path and we seemed to breakdown at different points.
But in the end we always made sure to Choose Us. Sometimes I’m not sure how we did it. There were plenty of times I didn’t know if we’d survive.
No matter how we started a fight, or who wasn’t ready to be nice, we always reminded each other we Choose Us. There were times I didn’t want to be nice, and I am sure he has felt the same. But one of us always would remind the other to Choose Us.
Looking back, it’s no wonder we went through a time where we fought a lot. We were all we had. The months that followed our son’s death our family and friends slowly drifted away. The depths of our grief were something a non-bereaved parent could not understand. When you are with someone 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, because you literally have no one else, it’s inevitable that there will be fights.
Somehow we always managed to find each other again.
I am so thankful. I don’t know where I would be without the unending love from my husband. There were times I was just downright mean and he loved me anyway.
But I get it. I totally get how it’s so easy to slip so far apart there’s no coming back, and I certainly make no judgement on those who couldn’t find each other again. The death of a child is so life-altering.
It was so hard. So hard in fact it amazes me we made it through. I know life can still change and grief will always play a part in our relationship and our fights, but the hardest part we’ve made it through. And I will always Choose Us.
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