When our son Aiden was born in 2010, he was almost an exact clone of my husband as a baby. My husband’s own father even confused a picture of my husband as a baby with Aiden. Aiden lived for only 19 days, so we never got to see how his features changed beyond the newborn stage.
Our third child, Gavin, was born this July. We are grateful beyond belief that he is here, healthy and thriving. Although not quite as much a clone of his daddy as Aiden was, he definitely looks a lot like my husband, and as such, a lot like Aiden too.
The first time I really noticed the resemblance between Gavin and Aiden, I was holding Gavin cradled in my arms and looked down and could have sworn it was Aiden’s face I was looking at. Their eyes. Their eyes are so similar it took my breath away. That first time I saw the similarities between them was jarring. It took me back to the time when I held Aiden that very same way, knowing that my days with him were limited, trying desperately to memorize every single feature of his face. Their features are similar in many other ways, but it is their eyes that always get me.
At first I found seeing their similarities difficult. It gave me flashbacks to Aiden, and with those flashbacks, it would bring back the emotions we experienced while Aiden was alive. The panic, the desperation, the hopelessness, the all-consuming grief and sadness as we watched our child die right before our eyes. It was hard to be so intensely reminded of those times while I was holding Gavin and trying my best to embrace the joy, love and happiness he brought to us.
As the days went on, I decided to change the way I thought of their similarities. We never got to see Aiden grow and change. We never got to see him truly smile. We never got to see the little boy and man he was meant to be. But maybe Gavin’s similarities to Aiden could be a blessing, it could be a window into what Aiden might have looked like, what he might have been like. Perhaps we are blessed with not only getting to watch and experience Gavin growing and changing, but getting a hint of what we missed seeing with Aiden. Of course this blessing will always carry a shadow of sadness. I would give anything to be able to see both my boys grow up. But although it breaks my heart, I have to accept that we will never know what Aiden would have looked like or who he would have been. So I will take the blessing that Gavin has brought to us and hold on to it for both my boys’ sakes. We are so lucky to have a son here with us, healthy and alive. Through his life we can experience the joys, challenges and excitement of raising a boy and bearing witness to his life.
As Gavin has grown and changed, the moments where I see an exact clone of Aiden are getting fewer and fewer. Aiden never thrived, so his face and features were thin and did not look healthy. Gavin is growing like crazy and has a beautifully plump body and face. He is starting to smile and respond to us, something we never got to experience with Aiden. So although those jarring moments where I could literally see Aiden in Gavin’s face have mostly passed, I now am finding peace in knowing that maybe this is what Aiden would have looked like at 2 months old had things been different and he had been born healthy.
I feel as though in order to not let the grief of losing Aiden consume me, I must always try to look for the positives rather than allow the sadness and grief to overtake me. So this is a way I have found the positive in something that initially was very difficult. Gavin looks like his big brother, and now I can honestly say that I am grateful for that.
Gavin (Photo credit: Melissa Russell)
Aiden (Photo credit: Melissa Russell)
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