I know that the “Mommy Wars” often extend even into the grief community. Isn’t that an odd thing to contemplate? Other moms feel the need to explain if they formula fed or if they rear-faced in a car seat for a certain length of time. For loss moms, it seems there are just as many choices to defend, either within our own community or to the outside world. I take the stand, in both realms of parenting, that you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation for any of your choices.
-You don’t owe anyone an explanation for what you do with your nursery. If you wanted to keep it exactly the same for the next child, or paint over it and start over, that’s your right. You can visit that room daily, and sleep in there at night if you want. You can shut the door and only go in every once in a while, when you barely crack the door and only consider putting in your right toe before you turn around and leave.
-You don’t owe anyone an explanation if you chose to bury your child or if you chose to cremate, no matter how far along you were in your pregnancy. You also don’t have to explain or justify if you had a funeral or ceremony, or if you chose to wait. You can also do it 4 years later if you so wish.
-You don’t owe anyone an explanation for your anger, whether it’s directed at them or not. If you are angry with questions, lack of boundaries or just because it’s a Tuesday and you’re still deep in the throes of grieving, you don’t owe anyone an explanation for your anger. You might later owe an apology, but you don’t have to explain away an incredibly normal, and sometimes healing, emotion of anger.
-You don’t owe anyone an explanation about how, if or when you might want to attempt to conceive again. You might need fertility treatments. You might need to wait and save for your next child after paying for the costs associated with funerals, cremations, autopsies, hospital stays, etc. following your loss. You might want to try immediately. I had one friend in our local groups that often said if she could have left the hospital pregnant again, she would have done it in a heartbeat. Others needed much more healing time and weren’t ready for years. You don’t ever have to answer this question when it’s asked of you, even when you haven’t had a loss, and it’s certainly a blow when also dealing with infertility on top of the other issues all out of your control. You don’t have to answer or explain your choices here to anyone.
-You don’t owe anyone an explanation if you become a totally different person, someone they can’t relate to or recognize anymore. This one doesn’t need much explanation. You are forever changed. You will continue to change and evolve. Some will like it and many won’t.
-You don’t owe anyone an explanation if your religious views change. You may lose your faith. You may find another. You may find a deeper meaning in one you already have. Don’t people do this naturally throughout life anyway? It seems to come under so much more scrutiny when you are being “watched” following a tragedy in your life. But it still doesn’t mean that you have to explain any changes in your own spiritual decisions.
-You don’t owe anyone an explanation for your relationship choices. You may start to cut out large swaths of people, including family. You may connect to a brand new group of people that you clearly might not have ever known if you hadn’t lost a child. Frankly, cling to those who get it and those who don’t will have to wait until you are ready to reconnect, if and when that ever happens.
{Your Thoughts}