It’s okay that I have a drink or two. It’s okay that I ride roller coasters. It’s okay that I drink caffeine and work out until I’m totally spent. It’s okay that I live my life in a normal, average way.
I don’t have to follow every temperature rise and fall, count and track every cycle. I don’t have to think twice about everything I’m feeling. I don’t have to buy a million pregnancy tests because that one “might” have been wrong.
It’s okay that I’m not crying every day. It’s okay that I don’t feel desperate. It’s okay that I feel excited and hopeful even if I don’t have another child. It’s okay that a part of me hurts when I see a pregnant woman.
I don’t have to start a memorial fund. I don’t have to justify my pain. I don’t have to defend myself or my children. I don’t have to agree with everything everyone tells me. I don’t have to be okay with what people tell me.
What’s not okay is attacking others for trying to help. It’s not okay to let jealousy of others take over your life. It’s not okay to let your issues take over your life. It’s not okay to keep yourself depressed because you feel like you have to. It’s not okay to not move on with your life.
You have to make your life happy, too. You have to take care of yourself. You have to just let the fear and anxiety go. You have to realize that your love is better than any of the pain. You have to hope for a better future.
I like to think that I have a lot of things figured out. I like to think that I’m in a pretty level place. And really, I am. But I have days. I have days where I’m depressed, desperate, and feel so utterly alone. I have days where every song about children makes me cry. I hear the name Connor and I break down. But I will say, those days are getting fewer and farther between.
You don’t need me or anyone else telling you how to live your life, how to deal with your grief. You can do whatever you want. But always remember that whatever you choose has consequences. You choose isolation, and you’ll be alone. Choose hope, and you’ll start healing. The biggest thing I’ve learned these last 6 years is that you are the driver of your own life. Life throws you curves and tries to break you down, but you get to decide your roll in it. So choose happiness. Trust me, it’s worth it.
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