Post by Still Standing Contributor RaeAnne Fredrickson of Still Mothers
Grief bullies are all around us. I wish it weren’t true, but it is; the desperately brokenhearted are ambushed and attacked for their normal response to grief.
It’s happened to me. It’s happened to my loss friends, and sadly, it will happen to the next parent whose precious child dies.
Even people who seem to have amazing support will eventually experience an inexpiable shift, where suddenly people have “had enough.”
And every time I encounter these heartless attacks, my blood boils, my heart grieves deeper, and I have to fight the urge to reach out and shake the insensitive offender.
These grief bullies are intolerably cruel.
What’s so appalling is that these unfounded attacks are often made by family and friends, the very people who should be supporting them the most.
They claim to be “well-meaning,” and to have your best interest at heart, but good intentions mean nothing when it comes to grief.
It’s the selfishly-motivated desire to be rid of our pain that brings about this turn from support to attack.
And while it’s inexcusable that a baby loss parent should be accosted for his/her completely normal reactions to a devastating loss, it seems to happen all the time.
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Just like any other bully, the attack is never about the loss parent. It’s always about the bully.
Grief makes them uncomfortable, so they lash out. It’s the ultimate version of kicking someone while she’s down.
It hurts my heart because the LAST thing in the world a grieving parent needs is heartless “correction” by a person who has no clue what they’re talking about.
And believe me when I say, if you’ve never experienced the death of your child, you do not understand, and your opinion of child-loss grief is irrelevant.
How sad that we live in a society that thinks you can get over the death of your child.
How broken it is to believe a few months or years will be all it takes to heal such a massive, gaping wound.
I guess people don’t understand the bond between a parent and child.
I think they don’t see how bullying sets healing back, how it makes it even harder to move forward.
Otherwise, they would know it never ends; that love doesn’t end with death.
The grief of living without your child is new every day.
Yes, it changes, but there is no such thing as the day you wake up and are “done.”
If people put their energy into supporting, nurturing, and encouraging the bereaved instead of focusing on their own needs and opinions, can you imagine how much easier it would be for the parent to heal healthily?
I can.
It’s time for grief bullying to end.
So let me take a moment to speak directly to those who bully the grieving:
First, let me say that unless you own child has died, you do not understand the grief of child-loss.
Period.
So stop thinking you know how it should be done. You don’t.
Secondly, I want to know:
What is it you don’t understand?
Are you so heartless that the death of a baby means nothing to you?
Do you really value the life of an innocent child so little?
Are you so lacking in empathy?
Or is it that you’re afraid? Afraid that if you accept my reality, then you’ll realize you’re vulnerable too?
Does it hurt too much to face the truth that death can take whomever he likes, whenever he wants, and you also could just as easily be sitting right next to me in grief?
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I did not choose this. I don’t want to feel this way.
But if I’m the one who has to live this out, the very least you can do is try to be understanding and compassionate.
If I tell you how I feel, it doesn’t matter one bit if you don’t like it or disagree. It’s not about you.
At all.
Your only job is to support me, right where I’m at, lovingly.
If you can’t do that, then you need to stay out of my life.
When you and your friends in the gossip circle decide “someone needs to say something,” or when you get the urge to “set me straight,” STOP.
You are wrong. Completely and wrong.
My child died. My heart, my beliefs, my comfort, my joy, my safety, my future, my dreams, and so much more have been mercilessly stripped away, and I’m expected to keep on living.
I will never be the same again. Suggesting I “get help,” “take a pill,” “put on my big girl pants,” or anything like this are all completely selfish and massively insensitive things to say.
They do the opposite of helping me. They make my life harder, and it’s already about as hard as it can be.
“Tough love” has no place in grief-support.
Helping me involves climbing down into the ugly pit of grief in which I now unwillingly reside, and sorting through the sorrow, anguish, rage, trauma, confusion, and injustice with me.
Your quiet support is all that’s required.
Unfortunately for us, not many people can dig deep enough into their pool of compassion to be the kind of support a grieving person needs, for the long term.
Related: Imagine Walking a Mile in a Parent’s Life After Child Loss
If my choice is between grieving my beloved child’s death in the way that works best for me or being your friend, you’re going to lose.
I will not pretend to be okay for the sake of people who don’t understand. My love and my loss are too big to hide, and it’s not my job to make you feel better.
Always remember this: It’s never okay to criticize a grieving parent. Ever.
You have no idea how hard it is to live without your child, and your inability to understand doesn’t mean I’m doing it wrong.
It means you need to put that much more effort into loving and supporting me.
Until you can do that, I have no room for you in my life.
My heart is too full of love for my baby, and my energy also tied up in supporting myself as I do the work I need to recover from this trauma.
——-
Photo by Sydney Sims on Unsplash
I have not lost a child so I don’t pretend to know what that’s like. I have friends who have. I can say this: until you do lose someone close to you, no matter the relationship, you don’t begin to understand grief. And until you lose any particular relationship (child, parent, spouse), you cannot begin to know what that grief entails. For that reason, I agree with this article as most grieving face the same bullies. But I disagree with labeling one grief worse than another. As stated, I haven’t lost a child so I don’t know that grief. I have lost a parent & a spouse. Unless you’ve experienced other types of loss, you can’t compare one is worse than the other. (If you’ve lost a spouse/parent & a child…you know.) A loss of anyone close can be extremely & for all I know equally devastating. So I feel compassion & love for anyone who’s lost a loved one. And I understand the grief bullies as I’ve lived with them from day one with both losses. And yes I’ve been told I ‘shouldn’t feel bad because at least I didn’t lose a child’. Even by those who have lost a child but not a spouse or parent. I wouldn’t condemn their grief just because of the relationship. I’m beginning to see losing a spouse is the least respected loss. People think you grieve a couple months (a year is ‘standard’), find someone new to ‘replace’ them & just move on…as if the deceased never existed. (I’ve actually been told this!) Point is society as a whole needs to realize grief is a natural reaction & it takes as long as it takes. And sometimes it’s complicated & unpredictable & bewidering & devastating. If we had cancer or heart disease or some crippling incident, I’m sure we would have more support than we could handle. But grief? They feel THEY get to decide when we are ‘over it’ or how we should handle it or react. Even some who have been thru a loss have same reaction, which baffles me as they of all people should relate more. Still a well written article & I relate. I wish everyone living would read & at least attempt to be more understanding. If they can’t, at least keep their mouth shut about what is the ‘right’ way to grieve or ‘acceptable’ time limit or what we should/shouldn’t be doing to cope & just stay away. Personally, I’d rather hear nothing & be totally alone than hear misguided attempts to ‘help’ & cliche, stale statements meant to comfort them & not me. Love, hugs & prayers to all who are forced down the awful path of grief. ❤️
Hello, RaeAnne,
Thank you for your candid thoughts. The journey of losing a child is near indescribable and incomprehensive for others to truly understand. It is a permanent life altering event and one no one wants to even imagine let alone experience. I’ve come to believe fear is often the base for some of the comments given to grieving parents , it scares people to think it could be their reality at any moment because there are no guarantees of a lifetime with our children.
We tragically lost our 20yr. old son 18 years ago. It doesn’t go away. The grief has become different over time, but it never leaves. He is in my thoughts every single day and I can still find myself on my knees wailing when it at times still swallows me. How can you get people to understand that? The only way is as you are doing, educate them and share even though it will remain a journey that is not fully understood unless you have walked it. We want others to understand our pain but often the reality is that they simply cannot. It’s too fearful for most parents to even think that it could happen in their life. Your sharing helps put light on a topic too painful to even imagine.
May you continue to be a light in the dark for your son and other parents.
Thank you for sharing from you heart. God bless. I wish no parent ever had to walk this journey. Sadly, some of us do. Take care. Big hug to you.
Sandra
I did comment it was a long one and I can’t find it now.