This post was written by Still Standing Contributor Tova Gold.
Editor’s note: As a reminder – Still Standing is a place for all grieving parents. All. If you grieve the loss of your child, no matter the circumstances, you are welcome here. We ask that all conversation be kept respectful and civil.
I am done staying silent. I am done walking through shadows afraid of your judgment, your name-calling, your assumptions.
I am a mother.
A baby loss mother.
I am a wife.
I am a daughter and a friend.
I grieve for my loss the same as you.
And I am entitled to.
I will not be made to feel shame for my choice.
It is a choice I made out of love.
I will not allow you to stereotype the strong, courageous, full-hearted women that I call my sisters in loss or me.
We are not victims.
We are not examples to be judged or pitied.
We were not coerced into making our choice.
We were not too stupid to understand our options.
We are not uneducated, too weak or lacking the ethics or support to make different choices.
And we do not need you to change our minds.
Neither before nor after our choice has been consummated.
We do not need you to pray for us.
We do not need you to try and imagine yourselves in our shoes, for frankly, we often can’t imagine ourselves in those very shoes, and you certainly can’t begin to either.
We are mothers.
We are baby loss mothers.
We made our choices out of love.
The choice to bear a lifetime of pain, so our children didn’t have to carry a moment of it.
THAT was our choice.
And it’s time we come out of the shadows and stand within the circle of the baby loss community with our heads held high.
I Am The Face Of A Heartbreaking Choice.
__________
This piece was written to represent one type of loss; one that is frequently hidden & misunderstood within the baby loss community.
It is in no way meant to cast judgments on those that make different choices, as we all make the best choices that we can, for ourselves, our babies and our families.
And WE ALL make our choices out of love. LOVE.
Thank you to the 80 courageous, beautiful mothers who have bravely shared their pictures, names, and babies for this post.
These are women who have reached out to the AHC/TFMR online communities and received support and understanding of their losses.
They are but a small segment of this community.
If you have made the Heartbreaking Choice to end a wanted pregnancy following a poor prenatal diagnosis, please visit the following communities to find support and understanding.
You are not alone.
AHeartbreakingChoice – forums
Termination For Medical Reasons Group on Babycenter US
Termination For Medical Reasons Group on Babycentre UK
Featured image: pixabay/chiisaihana20200
Thank you so much for saying what I’ve been frightened too for 8 years xxxx
Thank you. As a still grieving mother 25 years on. The “what is” are always with me. You are never the same.
You know, it is not just the choices that you needed to make for your unborn child. I had to make that decision for my 9 year old son who was born with congenital heart disease, @ 8 had a heart and double lung transplant with so many other surgeries and proceedures in between. Dec. 2014 he had a fungus growing in his lungs and then it turned into 3 different strands. He was on life support for weeks and not a canidate for another transplant. I had to decide to let him go. Half the doctors in opposition to my decision and some that were supportive. He lived for 9 hours after he was extubated. But I got to hold him. I got to lay beside him. And in my head, i knew it was the right decision. But to this day, I still think about the what if’s. My guilt comes from never knowing if I did all that was left to do. I miss that boy every second that I am breathing. I live with the pain of never seeing his beautiful face again except for the pictures from days gone too soon. It is so unfortunate that there needs to be web pages like this. We are the survivors of our decisions to ease the pains of our children. Hold those memories close.