The Things I Remember

May 8, 2014

There’s a lot of things I remember from January, 2013.

I remember the silence. From the moment during the home visit when the Doppler was place on my stomach, the sound of my heartbeat filled the lounge room. But all I heard was silence. Silence where my baby’s heartbeat should have been, silence as my midwife tried to find the missing heartbeat, silence as my husband and I shared worried glances. The silence that was the first indication our lives were about to become forever altered.

I remember the thoughts running through my head. This happened to my friend last week, could it happen to me? Was my health at risk? Once we left for the hospital, would we return home happily with a baby or with heavy hearts and empty arms?

I remember the twenty minute drive to the hospital. The conflicting emotions of holding onto hope and beginning to come to terms with our baby’s probable death. I remember ‘In Christ Alone’ playing on the CD and thinking that yes, in Christ alone was my hope found.

I remember the stillness. The stillness as I lay unable to move, holding my breath and hoping for the best. The stillness of my husband, so close beside me. The stillness our baby on the ultrasound screen.

And finally, most painful of all, I remember hearing the words “I’m very sorry, there’s no heartbeat”. With those words, all our hopes and dreams over the last 39 weeks were crushed.

But I don’t just remember the sad things.

I remember her. My firstborn. My baby girl. My Ariella Jade.

I remember her hair. Ariella’s dark brown hair was a surprise, as both her Daddy and I had light blonde hair as babies. She had a lot of hair and it had a slight curl to it. When I think of what she may have looked like as she grew, I like to think that those slight curls would have become ringlets, just like I had when I was a young girl.

I remember her beautiful features. She was a very tall but slender, with the most precious fingers and toes that I had ever seen. Her dainty lips were perfectly doll-like and her little button nose was a miniature version of her Daddy’s.

Our hands

I remember the memories we created with her. In the two days we spent with Ariella, we were able to dress her, sing to her, read her stories and give her plenty of cuddles and kisses. Those two days are some of my most dear memories, ones that I will treasure forever.

I feel so blessed to have these things to remember. But there is one more thing…

I remember the desire to talk about my baby, but not knowing who would listen. So many times I wanted to talk about my beautiful baby, but people didn’t ask. And so I ask you…will you share your baby with me? What are the things you remember? I would love to listen.

  • Larissa Genat

    Larissa is wife to Marcus and mama to four, including one precious girl lost to stillbirth. She writes about her daughter and life after loss at Deeper Still.

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