I’m sitting here, trying to figure out what to write, and I’m drawing a blank. Writing about how Mother’s day can suck has been done, and it’s over with, so it won’t be that much help now. I’ve written about my back story, and I’ve handled topics I wanted to discuss. I have other topics planned for the future, but they’ll only make sense if I do them at the right time. I don’t really have anything I’m struggling with, so that’s out too.
Then it dawns on me. I’m not struggling with anything right now. How the hell did that happen…
So it’s true, there really is light at the end of the tunnel. It’s true, your heart can heal from the billions of broken pieces. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not naïve enough to think that this feeling will last forever, but for the first time I forever, I’m letting myself bask in the sunshine. No guilty feelings need apply. It’s okay that I’m happy, it’s okay that I’m not struggling. It’s okay to be okay with life.
I want to make it very clear that I’m saying this to rub anything in anyone’s face. I want to share this with the world because all parents (and friends, family and loved ones) of loss and infertility deserve to be happy. You all deserve to know that it’s okay to feel happy. That it’s okay to not mourn your lost children and opportunities all the time. I think we get stuck a lot in feeling that if we’re not sad about our losses, then we don’t care about what’s been lost. We feel guilty for being happy, so we don’t let it in. I’m here to tell you it doesn’t need to be that way.
For me, what really helped was realizing that happiness is a choice. Every morning I wake up, and I have the potential to be happy. I just have to choose to be happy. I have to choose to not see the worst in everything. I have to choose to see the blessings that my children are, not dwell on the fact that I lost them. When I make that choice, the pain goes away, and what I’m left with is this overwhelming happiness and thankfulness that I had the opportunity to have those children in my life.
Seems pretty easy right? Well, unfortunately it’s not. It’s simple, but not easy. There’s no trick to choosing happiness, you just have to do it. What makes it difficult is when the doubt, guilt and fear step in and try to take it away. It’s hard to try and force yourself to be happy and be okay when you’re in the throes of grief. It’s nearly impossible to see the sunshine. But when the life-shattering grief turns into numbness, that’s when you can really start to open your eyes.
The world is an amazing place. The complexities in the most basic things are mind-boggling. The amount of beauty in this world is astounding. The amount of strength in you is never-ending. You deserve to see, hear, feel and experience all of it. This is your life, you have to be the one to choose to live it.
I want to show you that there is life and happiness after loss. I want you to know I believe in your happiness, and I pray you can believe in it, too. I promise it’s there, you just have to let yourself see it. You have lost a part of your heart, but you are still here, and you deserve to be happy. Especially after being dealt such a devastating blow, you deserve to be happy. You’ve earned it.