Five years out, months away from my daughter’s anniversary date, and the good days are in the majority. The bad days are quite few, and really only bad hours or minutes.
My ache is still there, and the hole will never close.
Somehow, life is springing forward.
Somehow, I have learned to cope. I’ve learned to live again.
Once I didn’t think it was possible.
Sometimes I feel survivors guilt. I’ve learned to balance those feelings and remind myself that when I feel good and have good days, it doesn’t mean I’m forgetting her or letting her memory fade. It means I’m bringing her into my present, and springing forward with her.
That’s what I want. I want her part of my present. As much as it makes people around me uncomfortable, my daughter’s death will never be an event in my past. She will always be part of my past, present, and yes future.
I make plans for ways to continue to honor her. I make plans to heal, with her memories and spirit at my side.
This is springing forward when you are a loss mom.
It’s not letting her fall back into my past. It takes a long times to understand that and to act upon it.
Giving yourself permission to spring forward with your baby isn’t easy. It’s a juggling act. Some days all the balls come crashing to the floor and I find my self stuck in 2009.
After all, grief is like a time travel machine. We live simultaneously in the past, present and future.
As a Buddhist, my faith guides me to live in the present moment. As an intuitive mother, I do what feels right, and bring my past and future into the present with me.
I always think of this picture of a reflection of that. Living in the moment, taking the picture, looking back in the mirror, and also looking forward at the road ahead.