Something someone once posted on my blog sticks out in my mind. It was along the lines of “I don’t know how you can even smile with all that you’ve been through.” Yet alone, LIVE, right?
Life has dealt me some pretty bad hands. I lost someone dear to me through the disease of mental illness. Divorce. I lost both of my best friends at terribly young ages under cruel circumstances. I have had many, MANY health problems, both physically and mentally. Infertility, panic, anxiety. My daughter died.
Yea, that one.
So as an outside observer of my life I can see the presumption one might have as to my own inability (or ability) to continue. There have been many times I haven’t wanted to keep going. I have felt sorry for myself. I have wallowed in self-pity. I have just wanted it all to end. Heck, if I am being completely honest and open and raw, that still sneaks up on me in the most unexpected moments.
And then I remember that I have also been incredibly blessed in this life.
I have little hands to hold. I have a husband who loves me more than anything. I have a supportive family, friends. I have support from strangers even. What is missing is not replaced by all of these things but it shines a definite light on my path. And then there is this, the one piece that ties it all together and makes the “not-knowing” okay. My God.
I know “religion” is a thing in the loss community that can unite and divide. I would never, nor have ever, thought differently of anyone because of their beliefs. I feel each person is entitled to clutch to their heart whatever brings them comfort. Me, I am a “Jesus Freak” some might say. Personally I cannot fathom not having the hem of His garment to cling to. I would have sunk. I would sink without its sacredness in my hand.
He is the reason I can smile. The reason I can “carry on” with the scars upon my heart. The reason I have been blessed and covered in grace, even when I am failing.
I fail often.
My hope is to offend no one in stating my beliefs, but to truly answer that comment genuinely, from my own heart. I wish peace, love, light and healing to every beaten soul who has ever had to walk this path. This difficult, treacherous path. It is a life-long one.
And my hope, my prayer for each and every one of you, is that you may find your reason to “carry on.” That you may see hope in your tomorrows and feel the love of a community that spans the globe.