His fingers were cold when I first put them in mine, but I was glad of that embrace; it was the only one we shared before I carried him to his grave. Finally, after 2 years of silently lying in that grave it seemed as though Ethan took my hand once more and silently spoke to me.
‘Why do you seek the living among the dead?’
When these words entered my head, I realized that there are few answers I still need to seek. For now, Ethan’s grave will yield no further secrets. It will always be a place for reflection, but I will no longer go there hoping for some understanding of the cruel hand that life once dealt me.
I wondered if words are lost on the dead. Perhaps conversations at the grave simply echo the unheard battles within yourself; the voice of others’ expectations, with that of your guardian angel imploring you to be true to yourself and live to your full potential.
I am done with grief. I expect I will be unpopular with some in saying that I refuse to wallow and lament in my grief; I refuse to be a static victim. I refuse to just be a member of the dead baby club; I choose to be a father. The time is right for me to quietly leave this mindset and carry on through life with my wife and surviving sons; however, Ethan will always follow us.
Ethan, my personal inspiration, has taught me that every achievement in life is a victory, earned through battle. Grief is no different; overcoming it is also a battle. When it comes for you, there is nothing to gain from running in shame or terror; you can not enjoy the future if you do not experience and learn from the pain of grief’s traps. When grief has marked you, the future cannot be enjoyed unless you learn to wear the scars of grief with pride.
I do not expect my life to be easy, but Ethan has taught me that the point of life is to be challenged and, where possible, to enjoy the challenge. Either way, I believe a life without struggle has little value. If my struggle is to keep grief at bay, then so be it. I expect my attempt at going forward in life will be be littered with flaws; I expect to fail many times. However, nobody has, nor is worthy of, a perfect life; imperfections make a life interesting and worthwhile.
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