Post by Still Standing contributor Beth Morey
Tomorrow is my daughter’s second (still)birthday.
I don’t know what to say.
If you reading this, you probably know what I mean.
How to describe the rippling ache whose circles widen but never disappear?
How to communicate how she is still an important part of my family, my life, even though she is dead?
How to answer those who tell me to move on, that it’s unhealthy and uncomfortable, and couldn’t I just shut up about this whole dead baby thing already?
How to celebrate her birthday when she is not here to enjoy it, when the decisions I must make of how to remember her are incapacitating?
And how do I describe just how exquisitely and excruciatingly she has changed my life, my self, the trajectory of my days and years and heart?
How do I put words to the love and gratitude I have for this tiny little girl who never breathed?
photo by Beth Morey
Tomorrow is my daughter’s second birthday. She died. I birthed her.
I held her body and said goodbye, but it was not goodbye.
It was an end, and a beginning.
I carry her with me still, her memory and my love for her.
It is impossible for me to do otherwise.
This is not a choice.
It simply is.
Some days it is beautiful to be a mother to a daughter who died, and some days it is an eternal, devouring aching.
Today is one of those days.
I don’t know what to say.
My daughter died at the age of 21, I died with her.. I lost her twin at 3 1/2 months.. living this life has become a nightmare, I fight to exist … that’s all .
Celebrate her! Without regard of others opinions (those who do not live this crappy childloss journey) Cupcakes or a cake – do what makes YOU feel happy
On 30th October it was our daughter’s 6th birthday. She died aged 10 days. I’ve found there’s times I want to celebrate with family and other times I want to curl into a ball and cry. Each year just make the space if you can to mark the day in a way that you feel is best. This year for some reason has been the hardest year since she died. I certainly can’t make plans and definitely know I will feel a certain way.