Do you think you’ll have another?
Words that are uttered so often these days I’ve lost count. Words that break my bones like stick and stones each and every time they come out of someone’s mouth. Words that leave me hollow and empty.
But you’d never know as I politely reply, “Oh, probably not. We’re happy with the one we have”. with a smile plastered to my face hand and hand with our 3 year old rainbow.
I know however, deep down inside that my answer is a lie.
Time has certainly healed our broken hearts and repaired them with love for this little miracle who wouldn’t be here if her sister didn’t come before her.
And it isn’t a lie that we’re completely and utterly happy with her and the way she completes our family.
But every night as I kiss her to sleep and watch her affection for others grow, or watch her push her baby dolls around the neighborhood in a stroller, or hear her ask about her friend’s siblings I wonder, what if.
What if there was another.
And just as quickly as that thought enters my mind, I push it away again.
Because I know we’re just walking on eggshells.
Right now, life is good.
And it’s those exact feelings of goodness, and wholeness, and happiness that begin feeling foreign in a body that’s known the depths of grief and sadness and despair of losing the first daughter we wanted to bring home more than anything in the world.
So although I’m more than happy and grateful for our rainbow who greets us each morning with a smile and a hug, in reality I’m not living life happier.
I’m living life just waiting for those eggshells to crack and break under my feet.
So next time you ask me why.
That’s my secret.
The real reason why I’m not having another.
Because I’m sitting here waiting for grief to rear her ugly head once again. And, sadly right now the fear of loss overpowers the love that another life could bring to our hearts.