Guest post by Rachel
One LONG year. It has been such a long year when I look back to the day my world forever changed. I have often read that the first year is the hardest and I can only “hope” that is true because it has been so tough!
In this past year, I have found a few ways to kind of focus my pain and get through some dark days. So, I have decided to write what I hope is a message of HOPE to other women experiencing the trauma of stillbirth. I looked for this hope in the early days of loss without my Clara and it wasn’t found many places. I would like to list the places that I did find it so others can look to this hope as they endure something no mother should ever have to suffer through.
GRIEF TIMES
I started counseling the week that I was released from the hospital. I was 36 weeks pregnant and had only two loads of baby clothes left and a name to decide on when I was told my five-pound baby didn’t have a heartbeat. What was I supposed to do? I had no idea how to even get through the day. So, I started counseling which I would highly recommend on the journey.
My counselor told me she thought I should schedule “grief times” into my day. Clara was on my mind throughout the whole day but to find specific times in my day to journal, to think, to cry and then to try and push myself to do normal things in the remainder of my day. I chose to schedule my grief times for first thing on waking, 3pm, and just before bed. To give myself permission to excuse myself from anything I was doing and just take that much needed time to be alone. I will confess I still schedule grief times. First thing in the morning I take time to be alone, pray, think of Clara and journal knowing that I will always have that time in my day. I have coined this next year my “year of hope” so I daily remind myself of that and the choice I have made to not be weighed down in sorrow.
PRAYER
I will say I couldn’t really do this in the days following the stillbirth of Clara. I still have days where my only prayer is one of anger, of frustration, and of pain. But, something I will honestly say got me through is meditating on the prayer of the Seven Sorrows of Mary. Maybe you don’t have a strong faith… but you can think and know that other mothers have gone before you in this loss and find solace in that.
The last three of the seven sorrows of Mary are (1) Jesus dies on the cross (2) Mary receives the body of Jesus and (3) Jesus is laid in the tomb. So, I would meditate on these sorrows and think about what I suffered with my Clara learning she had died, holding her after she was stillborn, and having to bury her tiny precious body. I remember thinking “How could a loving God allow me to suffer through holding my daughter’s precious body only after she had died”? It was so hard for me and still is at times to ask where God is in this pain. But, to then remember and focus on Our Mother Mary and the pain she also endured watching her Son die, holding Him in her arms, and burying Him. These prayers brought me peace and a renewed sense of hope. God chose Mary of all women to be the mother of her Son and even she was not spared such suffering. There is hope for me!
ROUTINE
Building a routine into my daily life has been extremely helpful in looking toward a “new normal” and a life that could once again have hope and joy. Knowing what I would be doing throughout each day took the guess work out and all I had to do was do whatever was next! It may sound simple but having a plan for my day and incorporating self care, meals, grief times, prayer, etc. is still something I do for myself and for my family.
MEMORIAL
Clara takes up a part of each of my days. Some of the things that I focus on in Clara’s honor are tending to her garden, working on her prayer flag (www.carlymarieprojectheal.com), thinking about starting a ministry in her name, or even just writing this little article. I will always talk about her. She will always be a part of my family. My heart will always love her so doing little things in my little Clara’s memory also bring me hope.
Cling to hope! It is always there for the taking and if you can’t feel any hope today then remember that tomorrow is a new day. Pray, take time apart, remember, and make traditions! I hope you have felt a glimmer from this article about some of the things that have helped me press on this last year. This next year is my year of hope and I look forward to what it brings!
Love, Clara’s mommy
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