Guest post by Kara
We met. We fell in love. We got married. We had a beautiful baby girl.
I made a choice. We fell apart.
I never thought I would ever choose anyone over my husband. He was my rock. He was my everything. Then I met my daughter and found out what unconditional love truly meant. She was perfect…on the outside. We were told to expect that. We were told to expect not to see anything wrong, but know every cell in her body was quickly turning against her. We were told to expect ‘every nightmare you have ever had that could happen to her happen all at once.’ Who could let the person they loved most in the world suffer through that?
We fell apart.
I believe in science. It makes sense to me. We had the leading team of professionals in the country working with us. They had never witnessed this genetic anomaly anywhere in the world before. I always wanted my children to be unique. Maybe I asked for too much. My daughter was unique in so many ways, if possible, too many. We were told her life would not have milestones. There would be no crawling, first steps, first words.
We were told to expect her life to consist of feeding tubes, wheelchairs and constant medical procedures. We were told she would not have any quality of life. I loved her more than anything or anyone so I chose. We fell apart.
My husband wanted to wait. He wanted to prolong the inevitable. He hoped time would heal. In some cases it does, but not this one. He loved her more than anything or anyone so he held on. We fell apart.
I watched the man I loved hold our daughter in his arms and said what he couldn’t say, ‘It’s time.’ I chose to let her go. I chose to not let her suffer. I chose to start living a different life, a life of missing her every second of every day. I chose to be a mum in a way I never imagined being a mum…I chose her in a way I wish no other mother has to choose. Don’t let anyone fool you, knowing you are making the right choice for the right reasons doesn’t make the choice any easier. I made the choice to let my child die in peace and it shattered me. We fell apart.
It took months of merely existing until things truly crumbled. Words were spoken that can never be unsaid. Fingers were pointed. Blame placed. It was time for them to have been spoken, because finally it was out there where it needed to be. We fell apart.
And then we started to rebuild. It took so much for it to fall apart, but one word for it to start to come together again. Betty. Her name was Betty. Months after losing her, he finally said her name. He finally acknowledged what happened. It took months for my husband to open up to say he left me alone in making the choice I had to make for our daughter because he couldn’t say those words. It took months for him to take see being a parent sometimes means choosing the unthinkable.
We met. We fell in love. We got married. We had a beautiful baby girl. I made a choice. We fell apart.
We are rebuilding.