I hate grief. I just flat out hate it.
I went back to the early days of my blog and re-read the posts. The ones that were days, weeks and months from that life changing moment ~ when Amelia died. It was horrible.
Reading the posts, seeing the words, feeling them again ~ like putting on a cast iron coat, heavy and hot with grief. My morning was changed in the short time I re-visited these pages. And I have to say that I am thankful to be miles away from those days. The days when I could not see the light. The days when everything was heavy and felt hard. I am no longer finding it hard to breath, to get from one moment to the next. I don’t have to wear the “I am okay” mask for the world.
Time has done what I never believed would be possible . . . it has changed me. I am able to feel happiness, I can smile, I can speak Amelia’s name easily and share her story without completely breaking down. I can write a post about the fact that I am still standing after my loss and mean it.
I will always grieve my baby girl. I will always and forever yearn for her to be here with us. And yet, the iron coat has shrunk down and changed into manageable size ~ a bracelet. It is not beautiful, but instead striking and profound. Like that time in my life three years, 3 months and 5 days ago when I began to live within the prison of exquisite pain.
Grief ~ I still wear it.
How do you wear yours?