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September 20, 2013

Revisiting Grief

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I hate grief.  I just flat out hate it.

I went back to the early days of my blog and re-read the posts.  The ones that were days, weeks and months from that life changing moment ~ when Amelia died.  It was horrible.

Reading the posts, seeing the words, feeling them again ~ like putting on a cast iron coat, heavy and hot with grief.  My morning was changed in the short time I re-visited these pages.  And I have to say that I am thankful to be miles away from those days.  The days when I could not see the light.  The days when everything was heavy and felt hard.  I am no longer finding it hard to breath, to get from one moment to the next.  I don’t have to wear the “I am okay” mask for the world.

Time has done what I never believed would be possible . . . it has changed me.  I am able to feel happiness, I can smile, I can speak Amelia’s name easily and share her story without completely breaking down.  I can write a post about the fact that I am still standing after my loss and mean it.

I will always grieve my baby girl.  I will always and forever yearn for her to be here with us.  And yet,  the iron coat has shrunk down and changed into manageable size ~ a bracelet.  It is not beautiful, but instead striking and profound.  Like that time in my life three years, 3 months and 5 days ago when I began to live within the prison of exquisite pain.

Grief ~ I still wear it.

How do you wear yours?

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Founded in 2012, Still Standing Magazine, LLC, shares stories from around the world of writers surviving the aftermath of loss, infertility - and includes information on how others can help. This is a page for all grieving parents. If you grieve the loss of your child, no matter the circumstances, you are welcome here.
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