Post by Still Standing Contributor Lindsey Henke of Still Breathing and PALS
The “P” in my PTSD should stand for pregnancy loss – because pregnancy loss is what has created my post-traumatic stress syndrome.
My PTSD stems from the stillbirth of my daughter.
I know outside of the loss community people don’t often want to hear about the trauma that is associated with the death of our children.
Or in the case of pregnancy loss, the trauma that we experience as our children are so confusingly born into this world, yet have already died inside us.
Below are some of the criteria for PTSD with my own experience added to share with others how my PTSD is shaped explicitly by pregnancy loss.
Yours might look different.
Symptoms of my PTSD from Pregnancy Loss:
1. The person has been exposed to a traumatic event in which both the following are present:
– The person experienced, witnessed, or was confronted with a pregnancy that ended abruptly, never began, or resulted in the death of their unborn/newborn child.
– The person’s response involved intense fear, helplessness, or horror as they were forced to intensely participate in the birth of their dead child, which also resulted in the demise of their hopes and dreams.
Living in a Swamp: PTSD After Baby Loss
2. The traumatic event is persistently re-experienced in one (or more) of the following ways:
– Recurrent and intrusive distressing recollections of the delivery or loss of pregnancy and child.
– Nightmares of the event or associated dreams such as: of your husband now dying, your dog dying, future babies you do not have dying.
Horrific things happening that you did not dream of before the event.
– Flashbacks to the moment when you heard the words, “No Heartbeat” and “I’m sorry your baby is dead” from doctors and nurses.
– Intense psychological and physiological distress and reactivity at exposure to triggers from the event and reminders of not having the child you planned for (i.e., exposure to hospitals, living babies, pregnant women, the empty nursery, your menstrual cycle, and even car seats make your heart race.)
3. Persistent avoidance of stimuli associated with the trauma and emotional numbing including:
– Efforts to avoid thoughts (of your baby and the way it was supposed to be), feelings (sad, anxious, guilt, grief, anger, confusion, despair, etc.), conversations about the event (“How’s the baby?” is the worst. I try to avoid that one all the time.).
– Efforts to avoid activities, places, or people that arouse recollections of the trauma (baby showers, your doctor’s clinic, ultrasounds, friend’s newborn babies, pregnant women, thinking about getting pregnant again…I could go on).
– Feeling detached and estranged from others – Ah, Yeah!
Especially from people whose pregnancies result in living children.
– The sense of a foreshortened future – YES!
Thinking – “My child didn’t live, why should my life be all of a sudden guaranteed.”
Self-Care: Combating PTSD After Loss
4. Persistent symptoms of increased arousal (not present before the loss):
– Difficulty falling or staying asleep – Who sleeps well after knowing the worst can happen to them and has.
– Irritability – Having a short fuse because life has played a cruel joke on you.
– Difficulty focusing – On anything but your grief.
5. Duration of the experience is more than one month.
6. Causes clinically significant distress or impairment of everyday functioning.
– Yes! Your life is never the same, people at work think you should get over it but you can’t focus, your relationship struggles in ways you never thought it would.
Even doing a simple task like going to Target is impossible because you cry every time you walk by the baby section.
In conclusion, I think I have it.
I have PTSD, but my “P” stands for pregnancy loss.
I want readers to know that you can have PTSD/PTS (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder/Post-Traumatic Stress) from a pregnancy loss, stillbirth, or the death of your child AND it’s okay to seek help.
I wrote this piece to let people see that even someone who is supposed to have her stuff together, as a Mental Health Therapist, can still get sideswiped by life and experience mental health struggles – like PTSD.
If you feel that some of the symptoms described in my version of PTSD from pregnancy loss apply to you, please consider talking to a professional counselor or therapist to help you address your pain.
I know that seeing a therapist at first might be scary, but finding the right one has helped me address my traumatic grief and PTSD from the stillbirth of my daughter.
I will never forget my trauma or grief. Instead, I try to integrate it into my life as part of my story — a piece I hold close to my heart.
To find a therapist in your area check out the resources below:
GoodTherapy.org
PsychologyToday.com
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My twins died over fifty years ago and l still feel like it was yesterday
I knew as soon as it happened, I would live this for the rest of my life, I’ve read it in the book “Still to be born” and it included women who were much older and stated that they still thought of the baby or babies they lost, and it further broke my heart. It’s like getting a life sentence for not committing a crime..:(
i am.already experiencing some symptoms.i gave birth to a baby boy at 24 weeks gestation and he lived for less than 24 hours only.he was oir 1st baby, we waited 4 yrs to have a baby.its ironic right, im a school counselor but now i find it difficult to help myself recover from the loss of our baby. I too loss my purpose in life after my baby died.
My son was stillborn in 2002, 15 years later I still have nightmares, intrusive thoughts and avoidance of pregnant women. I was pushed by everyone around me to move on right away and now 15 years later I have been told to get over it. When I say I have PTSD people, besides my doctors, don’t take it seriously. Stillbirth is so disenfranchised and the lack of support from family, friends and the community ultimately contribute to a mothers suffering. My suffering is so horrible that I have to push the thoughts away or I can’t function day to day.
Love my Baby boy a month ago woke up with him next to me not breathing and blue around his mouth & nose . I cry everyday and every night whenever I get the chance to be alone. How am breathing is beyond me . Doctor’s tried for 40 minutes. I scream for him to wake up but he didn’t . Instead of my boy having his first Christmas opening his wee presents he was lay down looking like he was sleeping in his coffin in my living room. He was so beautiful and loved the camera. I wish I could’ve turn back time or switch bodies . How his last bottle could of saved him if only I wasn’t in a deep sleep. The Horrible morning that no mother should wake up to relays in my head and it won’t switch off . I can’t watch his videos because I’ll beat myself up. Iv been distance by choice. I do try and keep busy but knowing my neighbors (Two) had their babies the same month we shared our experience together . Their babies are growing up with out my son and it kills me to see how they are changing by spoon feeding handling how to use their hands . Where there is his bouncer empty and cold his Moses basket his toys he never got a chance to open as he passed on the 22th of December 2019. I refuse to ask for help even doh it’s ok but I can’t keep reliving that morning . I hate what people say sorry for your loss and even mention it . Any mother who has loss their child and who is still breathing is a miracle to me . My sister pregnant but I don’t envy her am excited for her she having a girl maybe that’s why. I got sleepers off my doctor but I don’t believe i deserve to take one . I hate myself . The only thing keeping me going is my 20 month old boy and my partner of six years who is amazing but yet I still can’t break the silence . I know he’s hurting and can handle it different but mother’s are honestly built as very strong human beings. I only started giving my 20 month old the attention he’s deserves off me but doesn’t (lack). I hear how other women suffer from a child loss from over 50/60 years ago and am afraid that will always be me …. Am I living a lie now ? I feel am cheating on myself . They say time heals you but you will never forget and will always remind heart broken but how does the days heal you then ? Feels to me it only eases your pain . You could look in my eyes now and know the pain straight away weather am crying or smiling or seem like am having a good time but deep down in reality am dead and am so cold inside….. I honestly hope days do get better not just for me but for anyone who sadly experience child loss I hate to know am not the only one how many suffered before and after me . May God give us the strength.
I gave birth to my baby and five or six minutes later then told me they couldn’t hear his heart beat anymore.