In the time “before Aidan” I like to think that I was grateful. However, I know without a shadow of a doubt that I wasn’t nearly thankful enough. I didn’t appreciate the moments in the present and was usually hoping that the current good times could happen again. I was always planning for the next time instead of enjoying the moment I was being given. I couldn’t live in the present because I was already looking ahead.
Of course, time stopped when I went into labor. Suddenly I couldn’t look forward. All I wanted was for time to stop or even go backwards. I spent those hours cherishing every kick. Memorizing every heartbeat. Thankful that so many took the time to come visit.
Then, when the unthinkable happened, I needed time to freeze forever. I have never been more thankful for patience, tears, words, silence and the compassion to allow us to love Aidan as much as we needed. For the first time I was truly present in the moment. Moments that will have to last me a lifetime. Moments that are some of the most precious.
In the almost two years since then, I have learned more everyday to appreciate each smile, laugh, tear, hug and snuggle. I have loved with all of my heart and then some.
Since Kellan’s arrival, I find myself losing time. I lose minutes, hours and occasionally days. Not because of the exhaustion of a newborn, but because I am so immersed in these moments. Moments I wasn’t sure I would get to have. Moments that I often think of Aidan and know that I am getting a second chance.
The big moments are fantastic. The moments that I have thought about and dreamed about are even better in this reality.
But, the small moments are the ones that I am really soaking in. The snuggles, the coos, the early morning feedings, each new development….all of them are so precious. The past 10 weeks have flown by. My heart has been so full. I’ve even found myself cherishing the hard moments. The ones where I miss Aidan so much I think I might just break again.
So yes, I am that mom.
I laugh at his cries because they are the most beautiful sound.
I laugh at his pout because it looks like his Daddy.
I cheer when he poops because it is one more diaper I get to change.
I smile through the bittersweet moments because they are moments that belong to both of my boys.
I take the time to pause and be thankful when I get to fold up a stroller and put it in the trunk for another use.
I had to stop writing this and go rock a fussy baby to sleep and it was quite possibly the highlight of a pretty terrific day.
I find healing in these moments. And for that I am so thankful.
As you travel your own journey, what are you thankful for? How has it changed?