Guest post by Gabriela
If there is one thing we can all agree on, it’s that after IT happened, everything changed. Since that day, for me it was December 25, 2012, I really struggle with the fact that darkness has inundated my once vibrant life. Its like all the wonderful, mysterious, optimistic color faded out of my world. Everything is black and gray, dulled by the weight of Kain’s death.
Up until recently, I did not realize one major factor. Goodness. Don’t get me wrong, I still experience this battle of darkness infringing my light on an hourly basis. I have cried like I have never cried before. I have screamed until I lost my voice. I even punched a wall and broke my own hand out of sheer anger. I’ll be honest and tell you I have gone crazy on my poor husband a time or 14. There have been days, more than I care to admit, when I have been unable to leave the house, let alone my “yoga” pants. Yoga, yea right.
But with all that BAD, I honestly truly believe, a good has been carried out. It’s like Newton’s Law, you remember it. “For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.” I realized it’s not all bad. I mean its bad, it unthinkable, its horrible. But as for the death of our son, an opposite, maybe not equal (yet) reaction has happened. I actually believe that. I’ll prove it.
For every tear that has soaked my pillow, someone has given me a hug, or a phone call. And at that precise
moment that I feel I cant get any lower.
For every moment that I desperately miss my son, my family and husband embrace me in love and tenderness.
Each time I let the fear of forgetting his weight in my arms surface, my amazing husband gently reminds me.
With all the dreaded apprehension about my first Mother’s day, I was surprised to get the most achingly beautiful card from an unexpected friend. She acknowledged me as a fellow mama and her GOODNESS in the form of a Mother’s Day card just about made my week.
That- is goodness.
I would have never known at the start of this terrifying journey, that the sole reason I would made it through would be down to “goodness.” Other people’s goodness. Love from my husband, who is also mourning our son. Kindness from my family. Gestures from friends. Generosity from strangers.
Each time I find myself blind in the darkness of my loss, I’m pulled back to the light by the healing power of the good.
You just have to remember to reach for the light.
Goodness will find you.