Storms of Infertility

May 28, 2013

First, I want to extend my thoughts and prayers out to the victims of the EF5 tornado in Moore, Oklahoma. If anyone is like me I spent the whole week after the devastation glued to the news. I listened to countless inspirational stories of survival. I also listened to several heartbreaking stories of loss and grief. I watched as the confusion set in as people wondered where to turn to next in rebuilding their lives.

When we were trying to conceive I had awful recurring nightmares that my family and I were stuck in the path of a huge tornado. Almost always I lost my daughter in the tornado and was left childless. The fear of living childless was magnified because of my secondary infertility. I felt like if I lost the one I did have I could not continue on.

I remember in one nightmare I was 6 months pregnant with a second baby. I was overjoyed to finally be pregnant again after so much heartache. I ended up having the baby early but couldn’t get to the hospital because of the storm. The baby was so little and fragile, already clinging onto life. The tornado came and carried that baby away into the heavens. I felt so horrible and alone.

Usually in the dreams we were trying to get away from the tornado but no matter how much we tried to plan, it always seemed to catch up to us. One particular dream I was completely alone in a field as a huge tornado was coming my way. It was such a helpless feeling knowing I couldn’t do anything to get away.

Infertility in a lot of ways is like an emotional tornado. A lot of times you don’t have warning that you will be its victim and you don’t have time to plan for its power and destruction in your life.

You feel so alone, like I did in that field, desperate to get away but not knowing how to. You are completely helpless and at the mercy of a higher force.

hearttornado

Once the dust and destruction settles you don’t know where to go to next. Do you move on? Or do you rebuild and hope that another storm doesn’t hit your soul again? Do you rebuild, but this time make a better plan even if it costs thousands of dollars that you don’t have?

One question that was raised over and over on the news coverage was how this could be prevented again. Two elementary schools were hit and those schools did not have safe rooms for the children. Most homes and schools in tornado alley don’t have storm shelters because it costs so much money and the statistics that an EF5 tornado will ever hit your home is about 1%.

The fact is, tornados aren’t going anywhere anytime soon. Neither is infertility. Although it’s not likely that a person will have infertility it still affects a person down to their core when they do. It shakes their foundation. Makes you question everything you’ve ever dreamed of becoming; a mother.

We may not be able to get rid of tornados or infertility but we can be resilient in the face of its storms. We have a community of men and women going through the same storms to lean on to help us rebuild. And even if the storms beat down without any let up we can help pick each other up, dust ourselves off, and try again.




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    Ashley

    I have been at war with my uterus for the past 4 years. From suffering a miscarriage, having two preemies, secondary infertility, and now parenting after trauma I have learned that the only way to heal is to face grief head on and not apologize if it makes people feel uncomfortable. My hope is that one day infertility and loss can become more open to everyday conversations and become a less taboo subject. You can find me at my blog.

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