Hope Over Heartache

On February 6, 2012, my miscarriage is the devastating end to our hopes & dreams of expanding our family.

Four months later . . .

I wake up & I count my blessings. I may not be six months pregnant but I am blessed. My husband is strong & true. Our pup is silly & sweet. Our home is warm & comforting. Our family & friends are the best. As if all this weren’t enough, I have my health, my happiness, my hope.

I’m out of bed & ready to start my day. Small victories.

I head outside to take Bailey on his first walk. We live in a small, pedestrian-friendly city full of young families. On the average walk, we pass no less than 10 moms pushing their babies in strollers. I say “God Bless” to myself at the sight of each & every one to stave off the sadness. It works.

So far, so good. Three cheers for me.

I slowly approach our condo building as Bailey’s walk comes to an end. I may go inside, ride the elevator & make it to our condo without seeing another soul. Or I may run into a neighbor Mom with her cute baby & be subjected to cooing over the baby’s latest & greatest. Oh, please, please spare me chatting with our next-door neighbor who is due one week before our baby would have been born. My chances are 50/50.

Breathe. The day is going so well! God bless.

I settle at my computer for a day’s work once I’m safely home. I am so thankful for my job as a wedding planner & wedding blogger. There is little talk of babies in the wedding world. There are no co-workers to chat about their babies. I get happily lost in love & flowers & lace.

Keep that momentum going. Go, go, go!

I take a small break before lunch to peek at my favorite blogs. Another blogger is expecting? God bless. Another blogger is recapping her baby bump photos? God bless. I check People magazine online for my latest dose of Hollywood gossip. Another celebrity is pregnant? God bless. Another celebrity has chosen a funky name for their baby? God bless.

By lunch, my heart is exhausted.

& so it goes. The reminders of what could have been are everywhere, no matter where I go or where I look. Every moment of every day is a conscious decision to choose hope over heartache. It’s gotten easier, almost effortless. Still, it remains a real effort from the moment I open my eyes to face the day until I close my eyes to dream of better days.

Because, in my heart of hearts, I believe there will be better days. I pray & I wish & I hope that my husband & I will have our rainbow baby. I read somewhere that it’s all about the right soul at the right time. Please let our right soul & our right time come soon. Very, very soon.