Guest Post by Rhian
It was Valentines Day 2012, where had the year gone? My little star George was one years old today. George was our third child and perfect in everyway. He completed our family puzzle and never stopped smiling. A happy family of five, all I could have wished for and something I presumed I would have forever. Unfortunately 1 week later my life as I knew it was over and would never be the same again.
Holding George in our arms he looked asleep. A button nose and little chubby wrists. However, he was not asleep. Our little boy had died suddenly and was gone forever. I can remember us just sitting there holding him. No tears just this gut wrenching feeling and desperation to wake up from this nightmare. He had been happy and crawling around our home, giggling as he went only 2 hours ago. This does not happen? I can remember vividly lying on the hospital floor with Paul trying to pick me up. You see this on TV, this really is not real life. They tried for 2 hours to save our Son who starting fitting suddenly but they fought in vain. He was too good for this world.
When we woke up in the morning I led there waiting for the baby monitor to start talking to me. It didn’t. Our other two children came in and asked where George was and why we had left him alone in the hospital? “He would be lonely?”
How do you explain this to a 3 and 4 year old when you could not understand it yourself. The physical pain inside is unbearable and all I wanted to do was turn the clock back 24 hours.
We must have failed our Son? As parents you are there to protect them and instead we watched strangers fight to save our precious one while we watched on. What more could we have done? Guilt is a horrible thing but combined with shock and trauma it’s the worse type of emotion.
The thing that confused me though was one minute I was howling in pain and the next acting completely normal. Was I going insane? I had two babies still to bring up but how could I try and hide this from them. You cant and when we sat them down to say George was now sparkling high up in the sky in the stars, the tears flowed… I wanted to go back to work the next day. If I tried to carry on as normal then maybe this would all go away.
When I thought that things could not get any worse and that my life was shattered into as many small pieces as possible, the unexpected happened. My amazing, perfect husband walked out of the house and never came back. Paul took his own life 5 days after we lost our Georgie. In a state of distress and shock he walked out of my life forever.
Pain! There was no pain. Not for a long time. I did not cry for weeks. In fact I went into autopilot planning this perfect send off for my boys. I thought I was ‘ok’ and could do this but looking back I did not have a clue what I was doing. I felt nothing. Literally nothing. My heart, which once was full of love and laughter, was now hollow.
I needed Paul and missed his strong arms around me. He would make it all ok and take the pain away. He would ‘fix’ this. I had never felt so lonely in all my life despite being surrounded by so many people.
For the first five months I did not leave the house. I did not want to experience life out there without my boys. It reminded me of my old life that was gone forever. I did not want to start a new life with new memories without them. I didn’t want fingers pointing and people pitying my children. I thought I was living but I was simply existing. I found it so hard to look at my beautiful children. Motherhood no longer made me fulfilled. I felt I had failed George and now being a mummy was a chore not an enjoyable and love-filled experience it once was. This was not the plan. Paul and I had three children and we were a family. How could I now do this alone?
People always ask are you angry with Paul? Yes I am at times. Angry he has deprived himself of a wonderful life with his wife and children. I am never angry with him for leaving us. Why would I be? He was with our Son who was no longer alone. He always made me happy when he was alive and that was not going to change now he was gone. I had to make him proud like he still makes me, every waking hour.
Some days I look at photos of my boys and smile but more often than not I cry. I cry with such pain and anguish and the feeling of longing. I just want to go back to the 21st February last year. I want to appreciate what I had and tell them both how much I loved them. But you cant! 5 months of crying in my house has taught me that. You can cry, scream and long for the past but it is only the future that is there to cling onto.
In 10 days it will be the anniversary of George’s death. Another year gone by. Some days it feels like yesterday but others it feels a lifetime since I held my baby and felt him warm next to me. 5 days later it will be time to remember Paul. I feel ok about it to be honest. I feel every Monday morning at 9.30am, when I lost Paul, is an anniversary and every Wednesday the same for George. A year on I still hope this is a dream and they will come home. I still think about it and talk about it non-stop to the point now that I am actually bored with this constant sad feeling.
I am starting to look at my children and smile again. I am their best chance now and I can’t let them down. They need me and for Daddy and Brother to live on in their hearts we must move forward with joy and happiness. They will be proud of them one day when they understand. I have to stop worrying everything they say or do is a result of the tragic events of last February. They are normal whingy, hard to please, stroppy children who know when their mummy is having a bad day.
My boys will always live on. Everyone who was lucky enough to know them will one day smile again with warmth in their hearts. I also truly believe I will too. I have to believe that. I don’t know when or how but one day I pray that me, Holly and Isaac will have a happy life. It will never be the same life, the one that was all mapped out in front of me but it can still be good. Sleep tight in the stars my angels, I will always love you.
2 Wish Upon A Star is a charity I have established since my loss back in 2012. My aim is to help bereaved parents who lose a child suddenly and traumatically. We have raised over £50,000 already in the last 6 months. Please take a look. Your support would mean the world.
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