I remember the first couple of weeks and months after saying goodbye to my precious Jonah at 30 weeks gestation due to a heart condition as extremely difficult and filled with so many ups and downs, I felt like a marionette doll living someone else’s life, because there’s no way that much sadness could be…
In a moment death won. Motherhood felt like a cruel joke that had been dangled in front of my eyes only to be yanked from my grasp much too soon. Prayers felt like they were hitting a brass ceiling. Heaven had to be real, it just had to. But in this moment, it felt like a figment of my imagination. The grave mocked me. And all innocence was gone in this world where children die. In that moment that death won, a promise was made in my heart to never to let her name memory fade. She was incredible and I wanted the world to know it. The resilience that I have witnessed, not only in my own heart, but in the company of other bereaved mothers, and women who have suffered from infertility… is contagious, powerful, moving. When I look through pictures of those early days of grief, I am amazed that I have survived. And not by anything that I have done, by any means. But it is incredible that anybody could survive the aftermath of grief and losing a child.
For a long time that is what it felt like though – that I was merely surviving. And sometimes that is all you can do. But maybe you’re like me, and you just want to smile again and not feel that tinge of guilt for a moment of happiness. Making the plunge to embrace life after loss is an inward battle I have found in my own heart. But I cannot let death win. Not today. It has already taken so much.
This is my heart’s dream, that I hope might spill into yours. Life is a gift. And the truth is, if you’ve suffered loss, infertility or both, and reading this… you are still standing in the midst of the aftermath.
And if you are here, you must know that you are not standing alone.
Founder of Still Standing Magazine