She tottles along the beach with me, blonde curls at the nape of her neck. Chubby fingers with indents at the knuckles holding my hand. She utters things like “rock” or “what’s that” as we navigate the sharp rocks and shell fragments of low tide searching for sea glass. Across the silvery sand my husband helps my son throw rocks into … [Read more...]
When I was pregnant with our rainbow baby, it was hard for me to purchase anything for him. I wanted to, but the death and stillbirth of our daughter loomed large in my mind and I was afraid to bring more baby items into our home that might go unused. But as his due date drew near, my nesting instinct kicked in and I began to collect items that … [Read more...]
Let me tell you a secret. Sometimes I want to forget that I have a daughter that died. Not because I don't love her or want her or miss her terribly (I do). But because this road can be flat-out exhausting. Sometimes I want to pretend that our rainbow son is our first child, so I don't have to fumble for an answer that doesn't hurt when people … [Read more...]
Infant loss doesn't ask to come into your life. Uninvited, it thrust itself full force into the midst of whatever world you have created. It shows no bias or favor of persons. Anyone is fair game. Anyone is susceptible to the endless reach of its grip and the life-changing catastrophe that settles in as mother and father surmise the damage. One thing … [Read more...]
This is a photo of the current state of my (rather messy) kitchen table. I wonder if the collection of items on it might come across as rather strange to someone who doesn't know me well. The formula samples, the how-to book on newborns, the envelope of infant-related coupons – these all make sense, because the presence of our recently born rainbow … [Read more...]
Did you know that your couch contains carcinogenic fire retardants that are released into the dust that you breathe in? How much time do you spend worrying about the link between lawn pesticides and childhood cancer? Are you someone who frets over the long-term health effects of chemicals in today’s processed foods? I am not “normal.” I … [Read more...]
I sat in a group at Haven of Hope a few Saturdays ago, surrounded by women who had mostly experienced recent losses. The rain was covering us in a soft roar against the windows on the third floor of this life-size doll house. We talked about our children, our families' reactions and expectations, our faith and a lot more. Something in the … [Read more...]
It used to be that if you were the unlucky person to wander over to me in the meat department and ask if I had any children, I would respond with something to the effect of, “My daughter was born with a very rare form of Leukemia. It was totally unexpected. She started chemo at six days old and developed a terrible fungal infection. We had to make … [Read more...]
Death. Grief. Children. Protecting children from the biggest reality of life is one of those topics that most parents avoid. And for many families, avoidance is easy as getting a sitter when attending a funeral. But what happens when the person who died is part of your children's immediate family, a part of their daily lives, someone whom they will … [Read more...]
How many of you, after losing your child, felt angry when you heard other women complain about their children, or (healthy) pregnancy woes? Anyone? Come on, it’s okay to admit it. No judgments here. If you are anything like me, then reading statuses like: “up all night with a screaming baby—again!” or: “teething … [Read more...]
When I was pregnant with Nora I was worried about how introducing a child into our lives would change the relationship between my husband and me. Nick and I have had a strong loving connection since our first date, after meeting through online dating. We are a perfect match in every way. His calm and [...]
Exactly one year and six months ago, my husband and I said hello and then goodbye to our daughter, Eve. When the doctor told us that she’d died inside of me, I didn’t see how I was going to survive her birth, much less the days and weeks and months of life-without-her that lay ahead. [...]
