Strength: The definition of

The definition of strength after loss

Soon after my daughter died a well-meaning person told me I needed to be strong for my other children. I remember looking down at my deflated self, my weight leaning fully against the side of a chair, and feeling weaker than I ever had in my whole life. I was sad and isolated and misunderstood, feelings I was no stranger to in those days, but not … [Read more...]

On Seasons…


Here in the United States, we've just entered autumn. It looks different for many.  In social media feed, I see jeans and boots and cowl-necked sweaters. Here in Florida, I'm still cranking up the air conditioning and in flip-flops and sleeveless shirts. Funny, isn't it, how the same season can look so very different? Much like the season of … [Read more...]

Does It Ever Get Easier?


A question I’m frequently asked by bereaved parents is "Does it ever get easier?" The fear in their eyes is palpable. I know. I get it. The answer to that question still scares me too because I’ve been waiting for "easier" for almost seven years straight. And it wasn’t long ago I was asking this very same question to bereaved parents who were further … [Read more...]

I Never Sleep in September


Photo Credit It has been eighteen years since our twin daughters were born silently into this world. Seventeen years since I rocked and sang to our newborn son as he left this earth. It has been almost nine years since I sang "Amazing Grace" at my mother's funeral. Tomorrow, we will sing at my husband's grandmother's funeral. And, I am … [Read more...]

I Miss Her Most in the Autumn

2014-10-17 10.02.59

I miss her most in the autumn. My sweet Grace. It’s not the day she was born still or her due date. It’s not when I discovered I was pregnant. It’s not any of those anniversary dates that can sneak up and drown my heart in sorrow. I have never found a logical reason for why I miss her so in the autumn. It doesn’t really make any sense. Yet … [Read more...]

The Well

The Well of Grief

There is a well I've been visiting for over half a decade now. The old wooden bucket that hangs over the vacant hole in the ground tosses back and forth with the breeze, almost taunting me; and whether I like it or not, the water that comes from this well is something I can't live without. The well is deep, narrow, dark, dank. Mystery surrounds her … [Read more...]

Dear Child of Mine

Hope's Celebration (Image by Luch Bernard Photography, property of

Today, 4 years ago was the day you lived. You were born yesterday 4 years ago - and you passed on, tomorrow 4 years ago. It's been 4 years, not a long time and still, quite some time has passed. Certain things have changed - and some have not. I miss you - and that won't change. It doesn't have to change. I don't expect it will ever change. Those … [Read more...]

On Going Back to Work


I think I made it three hours that first day back. Three hours of avoiding my co-workers, of impotently staring at that same email, and -- a few times -- of finding the least embarrassing location to break down and sob at the sheer, aching depth of our loss contrasted with the banality of what used to be so important to me. Then I went … [Read more...]

Loss Resilience: Living the Contradiction

Screen shot 2015-08-13 at 9.55.35 AM

I was once asked to describe myself in one word. The best I could come up with was: Contradictory. Trying to neatly fit me into a specific label or box is somewhat of an exercise in futility and frustration! I am a mother, yet I have no children here with me. I fiercely love my gone-too-soon daughters, yet I have chosen not to pursue having … [Read more...]

Even as I Lost, I Found


I came across a quote that is attributed to Tennessee Williams. It made me think about many things. Most significantly, it made me think about the passage of time, as one is fording the river of loss.  “Time is short and it doesn’t return again. It is slipping away while I write this and while you read it, and the monosyllable of the of the clock is … [Read more...]